Every time I come on here this little face bubble jawn tells me I got one direct message but I fuckin don’t. Someone fix it.
Cheers, I just figured out the origins of ALL my sexual hang-ups, and I’m posting them here because I dunno where the fuck else I would do that. CW for rape, CSA, will try to add more as they come up; obvs nsfw.
There are a few of my friends who still follow me here who don’t follow me on Twitter so I guess here’s a comprehensive life update post
- ppl here still don’t understand how class & oppression work so I’m not gonna fuck with The Community until it sorts itself out
- I learned things about myself. Most of what I’ve considered attraction throughout my life wasn’t actually attraction; it was sort of a targeted desire for attention mixed with a narrative pull. The legitimate, limited attraction I experience is oriented toward physical features most commonly attributed to cis women; features which, of course, can be found on people of all genders and birth assignments. It’s about as “legitimate” as anything can get in that it actually elicits a visceral response from me.
- Related: I don’t feel emotions. I experience them, absolutely; they’re entirely cognitive. I get about one actual feeling-emotion per week, unless I miss my anxiety meds or the Gorgeous Queers Convention is blowing through town. (That’s not real; I made that up.)
- I want to experience everything, including things which conflict, and I feel as if my time is very limited. This is part of why I’ve ruined all of my past relationships, and something I’m struggling against now. (The other reason is because I apparently have a history of dating people to whom I’m not actually attracted. Bottom line: I’m an ass and I feel the need to apologize profusely to everyone I’ve ever dated.)
- I’ve started acting like an extrovert, and while concerts and bars and stuff are fantastic, I find myself melancholy by the end of the night because I have no one there with me.
- I’m a business manager now. I have a spreadsheet.
- I’ve been going to shul, like, twice a week? Statistic probably skewed because it’s been the high holidays recently, but I’d like to start going weekly. I have dear friends who help me get from the train station to the synagogue.
- But I am getting my license. After a whole lot of hubbub from the DMV regarding the medical part of the permit application (WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT IN THE “OFFICIAL USE ONLY” BOX PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK THAT YOU WILL CONDUCT THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION AT THE DMV), I have all of the required documentation and will receive my permit hopefully next week. My aunt will teach me how to drive in the ‘burbs and then the city. When I have my license, I intend to make liberal use of car-sharing services. My sister and I made a pact to get our licenses together and then take a road trip. This will be good for a lot of reasons.
- I started a new Aveyond fanfic! It’s called Rhenegade and it’s on AO3.
- I have a new therapist now, but I have yet to find a psychiatrist who can diagnose me with ADD/ASD/both, because one of those options is definitely true. I’m going to see a psychiatrist to manage my medication, however (because after my thyroid broke I started gaining weight fast and my doctor believes that my medications are preventing me from losing that weight), and they might be able to point me in the right direction.
- Scout is doing great.
#12 the passage of time is frightening me#every single problem I have save 1 is because I have severe control issues (the other one is trauma)#my friends and family are all making changes outside of my sphere and I don't like it#I can't forever bask in the comfortable and commitment-light era of one's late teenage years#and I can't even look back on it because my late teenage years were hell
You know what, actually, I don't want to be here anymore
if you want to call me a fascist sympathizer for the thing I’ve had since I was able to read, because my poor little aspie brain picked up exactly one message from all the media I consumed and that message was Death Is The Enemy, I guess you can fucking do that
yeah idfc my primary opinion in life is Death Is Bad and I freaked out at the fact that so many people don’t share that with me
idgaf what you do I just don’t really trust you as much now
I keep accidentally putting notes on unsourced photography and I feel groooosssss
ladyvenovel reblogged
in other news it was snowing and I was cute
ladyvenovel reblogged
usbdongle-deactivated20200531
ive never fucked off and been a fun and irreverent young person bc im literally aware of all possible things that could go wrong at all times in any given situation
ladyvenovel reblogged
We ran into a man on the trail that said he’s only seen water flowing here twice in 20 years.
Source: millivedder
ladyvenovel reblogged
Emancipated duels. Photo by Pavel Kurmilev
Baroness Lubinska who presided over the famous duel between Princess Pauline Metternich and the Countess Kielmannsegg in 1892, insisted that the duelists remove their clothing above their waists to avoid infection in the event that a sword pushed clothing into the wound it caused. Being a doctor, the baroness had seen many instances of septic infection in soldiers for this very reason throughout her years of medical training.
tfw most of the people in your life know and like them and your friendship is considered the toppest of notches and lots of people think you have or want you to have romantic involvement but they’re actually responsible for the absolute worst of your trauma and the recurring disquiet you’ve experienced since
I was like “okay I’m not gonna make this OC Jewish” and then.
ladyvenovel reblogged
i should maybe wear this lipstick forever i think ????
Now I gotta start freelancing for actual money. 5 bucks a page for copy-editing. PM me and I’ll give you my email address, I guess? You can request my resume if you’d like. I’ll do pretty much any written work that isn’t smut.
GUESS WHOSE ASS HAS A JOB
Job interview in 15; wish me luck!