Time to get my brain medicated.

Long time no post. I’ve been told I need to start medication for my bipolar, after finally getting to see an nhs consultant. I’m conflicted about this for many reasons but they’re going to send me info about all the different types of medications and (it seems) largely let me decide what option is going to be best for me. I don’t know if that’s a typical approach in the U.K. but I’m glad that if I have to be on meds that at least I might have some say in it. I’m going to be phoned in three weeks to be asked what I want to do and I’d like to get as much info as possible.

So on that basis, if anyone is able to share any experience of being on any bipolar meds, I’d be super grateful to hear about it. The two main concerns I have are gaining weight, which might trigger an eating disorder relapse, or anything which could retrigger my Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which has largely been quite dormant ever since I came off progesterone based birth control.

I know this has the potential to massively help in the long term but I’m very anxious about making a change, when my initial research makes all the medication options seem quite scary.

Thanks in advance to anyone who has any experience they’d be willing to share ❤️

It’s coming to the end of 2018 and it’s been quite a year. My life has changed in possibly every single way. New house, new job, nre car, new life in the country. My gran died, my relationship ended. I started the year in a horrendous eating disorder relapse. I’m ending it just coming out of another (mildly less bad) relapse. I don’t even know if you should call it relapse if the gap between disordered behaviours was less than 6 months but still. I’ve had two manic phases this year and two very long depressive phases, both of which have caused a lot of problems. I’m just coming out of another manic phase and I’m exhausted.

I use this app called Daylio to track my moods and activities (it’s amazing by the way). It really strikes me, looking at this, that I spent a third of my days this year purging, and even more of them as a whole doing eating disordered or self destructive behaviours. Compared to all that mess; I only spent 12 days in the entire year seeing friends.

I’ve moved around a lot over the last few years and I miss the friends I used to have close by terribly. I think loneliness is a big contributor to my mental health issues. I joined choir to meet new people and I’ve just started a ballet class, both in hopes that I could find friends again. I know it will take time but I can’t help but think if I could spend more time with a social group I might spend less time stuck in my mentally ill brain.

I only have one goal for 2019 and that’s to manage my bipolar and eating disorders better. This year has been completely transformational and that’s been wonderful and terrifying but that lack of stability has been bad for my brain. Next year needs to be about building an environment that keeps my mental health on a level. I really think if I can find myself a community again, that will be really key. I have a genetic predisposition for erratic behaviour but I don’t think being isolated will help with that. More friends, less purging; that’s the hope.

As a footnote, I’m really proud that I’ve cried 16 times this year. I never used to let myself cry so that relatively small number represents a bit of a move towards letting myself feeling my feelings rather than pushing them away.

I picked up a pen and pencil and did a sketch. I really love drawing but I’ve stopped loving ‘doing art’ because I overthink it so much about how it has to be a big, finished, (perfect) original piece and therefore I spend loads of time on it, get anxious about whether I’m wasting my time with something pointless and inevitably give up. However a really thoughtful gift of some SMALL art paper, from someone who knows how much I get in my own way when it comes to this stuff, has helped me remember that when I try and draw with no Project™️in mind and just let myself enjoy sketching, I can actually produce something I really like AND enjoy the process. I need to remember to do more little things like this. #perfectionismkillscreativity https://www.instagram.com/p/BrQ6OMOhN6BbQ6_yRU_XJYQQLcxWWua12vfaf80/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=a4iedib0eqhf

I really liked my outfit tonight. I would wear a woolly hat with everything if I could tonight. https://www.instagram.com/p/BrJOekfBioM2DJXdj9dB_gKO7sCNNd6BVYLYRk0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=db6o80rrrhdx

Spent an entire training session just practising these two new moves and doing conditioning. My neck may be protesting now but I was so chuffed to get my head round this neck stand split thing! Definitely worth the practise as this looked horrendous first time round. It’s harder than it looks! #aerialhoop #lyra #aerial #circus https://www.instagram.com/p/BoPkbcQlcbx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1uftgjazsya53

Feels good to be on the top bar again. I love that each time I practice I rediscover another move or transition I used to be able to do. Sometimes it takes a few workouts for my body to remember but when it does it’s like no time has passed and I’m SO grateful 😍 #bendy #aerialhoop #lyra https://www.instagram.com/p/BoAOBMVFWa8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wqyr27c1v8b1

Moving to the country honestly just feels like the best thing I’ve ever done ❤️❤️❤️ #countrylife https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnjj79aFmBt/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=nalez9mhhnp2

Did you miss my regular #aerialhoop training picspam thats been absent for about 4 years? Cause I sure did! It feels amazing to be back in the air again 😊 #aerialist #circus https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnd9GmrlXho/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1etd6s5tigdc3

The weather might be moody but I am not 😊weekends are the best ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/BndxjZPBpsG/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=6jn8rq2x56rf

I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am right now. So many good things have happened to me lately, but to be able to do this one thing that I thought was a part of me I’d lost feels more incredible than anything else. It’s like the last time when I tried to do hoop again and had no strength, couldn’t do anything, and was totally demoralised never happened. Sure I can’t do all the things I used to, but I have enough strength to feel at home here again and it’s the most amazing feeling. My secret reason for loving exposed beams - the hope that I might one day be able to rig my aerial hoop again, practise in my own space and at my own pace so I can work around my EDS - has become a dream come true ☀️☀️☀️I’m so excited to be able to do aerial again! https://www.instagram.com/p/BnUJHboldrn/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=145b6y6bzy51y

Absolutely cried my eyes out watching this, and there was a standing ovation at the end. Practically everyone who left had been crying - such a powerful experience. It’s an amazing musical based on Alison Bechdel (of the Bechdel Test and Dykes to Watch Out For) and her experience growing up as a lesbian and her complicated relationship with her father. I’m not sure what I was expecting but I 100% wasn’t expecting to be moved as much as I was. I’d tell you to all go see it, but the last showing is the evening soooo you probs can’t. But if it ever comes round again, you should go and experience all the feelings. #funhomemusical https://www.instagram.com/p/BnMJCwklc-C/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1tu4lnaiu63tj

I had an unexpected visitor in my plants earlier. Yoko is so curious and interested in everything. She also wandered into my house briefly before I moved her on!

Didn’t finish cooking this til 9.30 but man it was so worth it. It’s a variation on moussaka with beef and chorizo and then mozzarella and chilli cheese on top. It was LUSH.

No filter needed. Such a beautiful view just a few minutes from my house! #countrylife

Feeling so lucky right now. This time a week ago I was only half way through my hour long commute. Today I have time to go on a walk and visit alpacas before I even have breakfast. Literally can’t believe this is my life now 😍

I officially live in a ludicrously beautiful place. #rutland #escapetothecountry #cantbelieveilivehere https://www.instagram.com/p/BmG1Xu0FOz1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=typvkbib67ed

Omg, there are alpacas a 5 minute walk from my house 😍😍😍 https://www.instagram.com/p/BmGzTbzluq5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=15zdhmxs19np6