if i don’t delete all my social media and every thought i’ve ever had i will just delete myself instead

he lied to me about something last year, completely unprompted too, which is why i should never believe a word he says and i have to break up with him before summer or i will spiral way the fuck out worse than i already have.

it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up it’s all adding up

his reassurance is never reassuring. and i can't tell if it's my fault because I read into literally everything, what's said and what's not said, or if it's because it's not genuine and there's some other truth to everything.

either way i don't feel like i'm enough. either way I don't feel good enough.

there really isn’t a single thing to enjoy about life except ocho. not in the past or right now and almost certainly not in the future.

thinking about my sim and her girlfriend living in their cute little pink cottage house in brindleton bay with all their cats and frogs and huge garden with a pool and greenhouse

why can't i be her

its so fun and cool how i can just sit here and THINK and make myself sick from THINKING and it just doesn't stop my brain doesn't stop the thoughts don't stop I can never not have a thought I can never just sit in siclent with no thoughts I can't hear anything but MY THOUGHTS

i need to scream at the top of my lungs until I pass out

it really fucking bothers me that you never truly know someone

how the fuck am i ever supposed to trust anyone? literally anyone could be hiding the worst secrets, living the wildest double life, holding onto the darkest shit, at any given time and you could never even know.

nah fuck that. the human experience is not for me. i am not a human, I do not get humans. i do not want to be here. nothing makes sense to me.

i don’t even want to sleep bc i’m so fucking sick of having dreams about her!!!!! it’s all that’s on my mind during the day and it’s all i ever dream about now and i’m fucking sick of it. it’s ruining me and it’s going to ruin my relationship too

my states supreme court made a devastating and infuriating ruling today and then when i mentioned it he just shrugged it off like “oh yeah i saw that” and then kept talking about what he wanted to talk about

disgusted. how am i here again

i have to break up with him

i can't handle the fact that i'll never be enough for him

i can't handle the fact that i'll never be good enough for him

i can't do this anymore

PLEASE let me be insane in peace please

the urge to go crazy and freak out and break up with my bf for no reason bc i thought of something (actually multiple things bc all it takes is one to sprial) that upset me and now i hate everyone and everything and want to spend life alone forever bc no one will ever meet my impossible standards >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> UGH

instead i think i'll get weird and distant and quiet bc then he thinks i'm only a littel crazy instead of insane like really am bc I KNOW IM THE PROBLEM

i don't trust him. i have no reason to.

im so angry!!!!!!!!!!