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Hell in high heels

@velvet-midnight / velvet-midnight.tumblr.com

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield
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zehroni
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missfisherandjack

“Now, tell me, Jack, does that new furrow in your brow have anything to do with kissing me the other night?”

Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (2012-2015) ↳ 1x07 Murder In Montparnasse // 1x08 Away With The Fairies

#mfmm
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streussal
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annabelle--cane

vampirism poses the question "what if there was a fundamental, horrible, unending well of want in your soul that, if truly satisfied, would lead to great pain for all those you hold closest and, in turn, their absolute and total revilement of you?" and naturally as a person with no problems I don't relate to this in any way at all.

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annabelle--cane

vampirism also poses the question "what if someone you loved, through no fault of their own, needed something from you, and giving it to them and seeing them happy provided you the greatest joy, and you were the only one who could do it, but at the same time it was slowly draining all your life out of you?" which is also a completely unrelatable idea to me because I'm a normal person with no issues.

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hacash
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greelin

predator animal falling in love with prey animal. You really love to see it.

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greelin

you’re skittish, of course, and yet you still tilt your head. brush everything aside. give me space to clamp my jaws down on your throat. make the sweetest sounds, too. squirm not to get away but get closer. i could tear you apart. i should tear you apart. you should not be offering this so easily. itching for the slice of teeth that are too sharp. something, somehow, that soothes & delights. doesn’t send you running. why aren’t you running? you should not let me take and take and take. but you do. i could bleed you dry. and i want to. i want to feel your pulse get weaker and weaker while i drink my fill. feel you grow cold beneath me. don’t i?

(why don’t i want to?)

#hiiiii Astarion
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hacash
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turtlesandfrogs

I'm taking this free online class from Yale on the Science of Well-Being,

and it's free, so I'm gonna share the extremely short notes about what I'm learning. Why does well-being and happiness matter? Because people have more energy and more capacity to effect change if they are doing well mentally.

And because I think American culture in general is structured in a way that ignores human needs and leads to increased suffering in all sorts of ways.

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turtlesandfrogs

So the first classes really focused on the idea that what "we" think makes us happy does not actually, and that we have really strong ideas about what makes us happy that is wrong.

She's talking to Yale students, so she's talking about events like getting into the dream college, getting good grades*, getting that internship, that job, getting married, etc.

And the thing is, people think those big events are going to lead to increased happiness in general, but actually our brains get used to it and our happiness returns to baseline pretty quickly. This is called hedonic adaptation, and there's a lot of info about it out there.

Hedonic adaptation also works on the reverse- big negative events don't really have that big of an impact on our day-to-day happiness and well-being about six months later.

Also, people think that making lots of money will make you happier, but the truth is, that past a point, happiness increases level off. It seems that around $75k, getting more income doesn't dramatically increase your happiness. Someone should tell all the folks making 6 or more figures.

The other big idea was that we think in terms of Reference Points, rather than absolutes, which in this setting means we tend to judge how well we're doing by the examples we see, rather than any sort of objective measure. This is apparently why social media, and tv and stuff like that in general, reduces happiness, because we're looking at the polished images of the highlights of peoples lives, or watching shows about people who make way more money than us, are more skilled than us, have nicer homes than us, or whatever. Apparently if you're only consuming media of people who are doing about the same as you, or worse, there's not a hit or boost to your happiness.

*I want to note that focusing on grades is counter-productive to actual learning and happiness, and that everyone should look into growth mindset vs entity theory.

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turtlesandfrogs

So how do you fight Hedonic Adaptation?

  • Savoring- when good stuff is going on in your life, pause and observe and really appreciate it, on purpose. Tell other people about it, especially if they're there in the moment with you. Think about how lucky you are in that moment. Also reflect on past moments of enjoyment.
  • Negative Visualization, which is a really old idea that I first came in contact with through the stoics. In this version, you imagine if you never had something that you enjoy. So if you're in a happy relationship, what if you'd never met?* If you have a living space with a roof that doesn't leak and 4 solid walls, what if you didn't? If you like a particular meal, what if you never got to eat it again? And then be life, whew, I am sure glad that's not the case!
  • Practicing gratitude, and like, really doing it. Write down things you're grateful for, tell people who are sharing the moment with you, express gratitude to directly to the people you're grateful for.
  • Interrupt consumption. That is, studies show that you enjoy your shows more when you have ad breaks. Or, when they had people listen to their favorite song, and then interrupted them, when they got to return their enjoyment was increase. So if you're doing something pleasant, stop, and then come back, and your enjoyment will increase.
  • Conversely, if you have to do sometime unpleasant, try to do it all at once instead of little bits because remember, Hedonic Adaptation works both ways
  • Increase variety, do your favorite things different ways. Like, if you drink coffee, make it a little different each day. This one in particular will be hit on again, in different contexts.
  • Remember that hedonic adaptation can be a good thing, too. Bad things will, over time, feel less bad than you think they will.

And how to deal with the issues of having reference points of people who are, you know, super polished and only showing the cool parts of their lives?

  • Stop watch tv, social media, etc. (She recognizes that most people aren't going to do this)
  • Concretely re-experience- which means switch your reference point to your own past. This is especially useful for people who've had crappy experiences in their past, because look! you're doing so much better now! Isn't that awesome!!! But like, I imagine even people with super happy childhoods are glad they have more independence now?
  • Concretely observe (and this is where the fact that their assuming they're only talking to the richer half of the populace) by which they mean go look and experience first hand the "experience of the other half". BARF. Or, alternatively, go volunteer on an organic farm** to get the pastoralist fantasies out of your head and build appreciation for the nice parts of your life.
  • Avoid the social comparison (of social media) by using the 'stop-think' method, by which she means, when you notice that you're being envious of someone, tell yourself aloud "Stop!", and intentionally stop comparing to that thing whatever it is, and set your reference point to something else.

*If the idea of never meeting your current partner gives you a sense of relief or happiness, that's a sign. A sign that you should leave. There are resources out there to help you.

**https://wwoof.net/

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turtlesandfrogs

Next, apparently people have found out that 50% of your happiness is determined by your genetics, 10% by life events, and 40% by your thoughts and actions. Here's where we really start getting to the heart of the matter.

Super basics that I think we've all heard before, but bare repeating because they are super important:

  • Get 7 or more hours of sleep a night
  • Move 30 minutes a day (walks, gym, swimming, dancing in your living room, what ever you can do and ideally enjoy doing)
  • Meditation.

More, but about jobs and money and stuff:

  • Having a good job matters, but! A lot of money is not equal to a good job. There's these things called "signature strengths" which are things like curiosity, appreciating beauty, wisdom, zest, etc which are apparently regarded well across cultures. Apparently if you identify your signature strengths (quiz here: https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths), there's a sweet spot where if you can use 4 of your own strengths in your job, you'll be happier.
  • Also, a job that allows you to hit a flow state is awesome. There's a whole book about flow which has been out long enough that it's free in libraries. Basically, you become absorbed in what you're doing, lose track of time, and feel enjoyably challenged. (Basically ADHD hyperfocus, except you can leave to use the bathroom :P [this is a joke])
  • Also, once you hit that $70-ish thousand, more time is more impactful than more money on your happiness and sense of well-being
  • Doing kind things (and a variety of them) is really good for your happiness levels. Doing a different type of kind thing each day is great, because it thwarts Hedonic Adaptation
  • If you have money to spend on making yourself happy, it is much more effective to spend the money on someone else than on yourself.
  • Charity makes you happier if you can see the effects/it builds social connection. In other words, taping into your mutual aid groups to help people will make you happier. Go help people, it will make you feel better!

So, you know what I'm noticing? I'm noticing that if we as a culture started actually working towards what increases individual happiness, I think a lot of things would get better for everyone.

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grison-in-space

Idly, that USD$75,000 number comes from this 2010 study. The CPI inflation calendar suggests that in today's money, you'd need to be making USD$106,000 to see the same effects on happiness. Of course, it's hard to scale that to cost of living--in 2010, there was less of a housing crisis than we see today, and how much of your income is swallowed by rent or mortgage is an important qualifier of real income.

None of this is a rebuttal to the points you're laying out; it just occurred to me that I've seen that statistic around for quite a while, and that I really heavily suspected the salary threshold named needed updating.

#reminders#help
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reblogged
morethanonepage
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churlfriend

i just finished making a pot of chili and my dear ex-wife @fallout-lou-begas made a pot of chili last week and all this chili reminds me of a conversation we had when we were still living together. i like to eat my chili with a peanut butter sandwich; lou usually makes corn bread to go with hers and thought my pairing was unusual. so now i wanna know:

when i say chili i mean a bog-standard beef and/or bean chili with peppers and onions and tomatoes, seasoned with chili powder and cumin and whatnot

here is a blurry photo of my chili as it cooks down a bit:

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churlfriend

i do

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churlfriend

i'm sorry you are all so unimaginative and unwilling to try new things

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chibisquirt

WHERE IS MY SPAGHETTI OPTION???

#fritos scoops babeyyyy#or yeah rice like prev
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reblogged
forthecagedbird
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wetheurban

Maybe it’s more about intimacy, not sex.

Maybe it’s more about connection, not attention.

Maybe it’s more about depth, not variety.

Maybe it’s more about being seen, not idolized.

Maybe it’s more about facing yourself, not escaping.

#reminders#help
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