11:11pm

I think I am like an old iPhone 6 that hasn’t been updated. The resemblance is uncanny:

∙ Battery life is short af ∙ Laggy most of the time ∙ Takes a long time to start ∙ Full of scratches and dents

It’s only Tuesday and I already feel tired for Wednesday Thursday Friday. Craving for a good Thai massage to crack crack crack and loosen my old joints, craving to sleep through a rainy morning, and suuuuuuuuuper craving for a holiday. Craving to wake up next to C keke :3

11:31pm

Magnificent Singapore. Buy 1 get 1 free tickets any day of the year when you register for the FREE Lifestyle membership guys. Don’t say bojio ok?

Health screening today was kinda hilarious and worth the lack of sleep last night. The clinic guy was so grumpy but it made us want to laugh because he was super auntie when he complained about how he’s the only one (out of three) working and the rest are either late or in the toilet. FUNNY. He took my blood the first time with a huge ass needle and couldn’t get blood to come out. Second attempt with a smaller needle and it worked. Should have just used the small one in the first place?!?!? I’m super afraid of needles and he had to poke my arm TWICE. 

I think it was because I started the day right, every other crazy thing that happened throughout the day was easily forgotten or let go of. I had a colleague disregard my role in a certain process and tried to (nay, she DID) overwrite me and that hurt my feelings and insulted me somehow. For the 10-15 minutes after it happened I was really furious but the show had to go on, meaning I still had to continue with a smile on my face. 

After all that fuming went down, I realise that I have so much to be thankful for. I am grateful that after posting yesterday that I have to deal with disruptive learners, I get a good chance to deal with unexpected situations and disruptive colleagues. This was a good chance to show my professionalism. Not sure how I did, but personally I think I fared pretty well. And assured my boss that no further action is needed from the top management. Don’t rustle the leaves, right?

Second thing I’m grateful for is how supportive my boss was. Hearing what happened from my colleague, he immediately jumped out to show his support and wanted to escalate this case to the director as he couldn’t take how I was being treated. There are bosses who care for you, and there are bosses who go all out to defend you. Touched until want to cry. Hahhahahahah

Third thing I’m grateful for is, on a totally unrelated topic, knowing that I am lighter than I expected. HAHAHAHAHA. I was surprised that I weighed 1.5kg less than I expected during the health screening. May not be accurate because the same machine measured my height to be 1.66m which IS SO NOT THE CASE. I’m a perfect 1.68m and I ain’t taking shit from this machine. 

Still a great day nonetheless, time to continue my hustle tomorrow. Lots of things to do, so little time. Throat’s still not very good. I don’t know how I’m going to do a 2.5hrs training on Thursday. Just whack only. Anw this burning smell is making me irritated hello wind direction can blow elsewhere instead?

I don’t want to be the kind of toxic friend that people are afraid to talk to... During our Japan trip, C’s cousin said the reason why she prefers to hang out with male friends is because they aren’t sensitive and dramatic as females. I really am sensitive and dramatic tbh hahahah reflection time. Is that also why I have more male friends than females? (I have more female friends but closer ones are maybe... 60-70% male?) Because admit it guys you love hearing about our drama like it’s a free movie screening HAHAHA. But good thing is you’re not involved in the drama. And most of my female friends are super chill so they are the ones taking my shit. Damn I’m a horrible person. Please don’t be afraid of me. I’m a little bit sensitive, like my skin, but I’m generally harmless hehe

11:29pm

Met up with my cousins a couple days back. We were having a discussion about little kids these days and how spoiled they are because of new generation parents. In the past when we scored badly in school, we get the cane, the hanger, the feather duster. It was always our fault for not studying well. But these days when children scored badly in school, the teachers are the ones getting blamed for not teaching well. It’s really hard to be an educator in this day and age... kudos to my cousin Yunny for nurturing the future generations in our country. I wouldn’t call myself an educator but I guess my current profession is similar to it. As a trainer, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with little kids but it can be equally challenging dealing with adults too. In ACTA they tell you not to assume that your learners already know, or don’t know, certain things because everyone comes from all walks of life. You can’t assume just because your learner’s been in that industry before, that he/she would be equipped with the knowledge already. Likewise, you can’t assume that they know nothing. 

It’s especially hard if your learner is an adult much older than you, has more experience than you, but lacks the professionalism to listen to you.

So far my learners are all humble and earnest so I’m lucky. I hope I have the aptitude to deal with disruptive learners the professional way. Or maybe, I hope the day where a disruptive learner comes into my class never happens. Hahaha. I know I have to face it someday. Wait till I get more experience first can?

There was a little student who’d done something wrong and got into disciplinary trouble with the teachers. He cried and begged for the teacher not to notify his parents because if his parents knew, they’d love him less. The teacher obliged and let him off with a warning. Then comes the debate – was it ethically right for the teacher to promise the kiddo this? As a parent, would you want to know everything your kid does in school and how would you feel if such things were kept from you?

I guess if I were a parent, I’d want to know... but putting myself in the teacher’s shoes, if I didn’t oblige, kiddo wouldn’t stop crying and will probably be afraid in school and at home. If I did oblige but ended up telling the parents, I’d lose the trust of the kiddo and that will be a problem too. It’s hard... 

So while we were on that topic, my mind drifted off somewhere far away up in the clouds. I’d felt for the longest time that the one I’d been in love with was filtering whatever he said to me. How I could tell was how he’d hesitate when I asked him certain questions, then answer me with a very politically correct opinion. It was almost as if he was walking on tightrope and every step he took he took it with extra extra extra caution. Then I thought, has it come to this? Has my oversensitivity gotten in the way of people being honest and candid with me? I did not like that feeling one bit.

Tbh I knew I was the sensitive sort. If I’d hidden my emotions then I wouldn’t be me. But then again showing my emotions meant that people knew my trigger point and would go around it to avoid it. I know I’d told him before not to talk to me about topics involving certain people/issues (because I did not want misunderstandings to occur) but I guess he figured out what topics make me overthink and he stopped talking about everything collectively. Our conversations slowly stopped being candid. I blame myself for that because additionally I’ve been asking him lots of questions he did not have the answer to either. Mostly about what we are, where we’re going with this etc. Insecure much?

I guess what I’m saying is I miss how fun we used to be. I’m sad it has come to this and it’s mostly my fault. When romance comes in between two friends, but felt only by one, I guess it ruins the dynamics. Hope everything will revert to how it used to be soon. That he’ll be as happy making plans with me as he does with his friends/colleagues. I can only hope.

Love is ouch

2:19pm

Was chased home from work at noon because I’ve lost my voice. Actually I’ve only lost half my voice. I sound like a raspy old man who has spent his entire life smoking. My company doctor diagnosed my condition as Laryngitis, which basically means an inflammation to my voice box. Now, it’s an entirely different feeling from getting a sore throat. When you have a sore throat, everything you swallow hurts like there are spikes going down your oesophagus. Even drinking water or swallowing saliva. But when you have Laryngitis, you have no trouble eating and drinking or even speaking (other than the fact that you can only muster up a weak hollow voice), but you feel like someone has just punched your throat real hard and there’s this bruising pain. You usually feel it at the lower part of your throat near your collarbones.

And it is so frustrating because I am fully functional. I’m not sleepy, I’m not weak, I’m not sore whatsoever. I just can’t make proper sounds. Moreover I’m a trainer now so what do I use to earn a living? My voice. I didn’t want to go home initially but I did in the end. It was impossible for me to conduct any trainings even if I use the mic. Doctor says it will get worse before I get better so I guess tomorrow I will totally lose my voice. Boohoo. It is at this point of time that I really, really, really want to sing karaoke. Hahahahahahaha wait long long.

-

Starting to wonder if I am a bad or difficult friend to be with. My FOMO really starting to kick in and I guess nobody cares enough that I am feeling all these other than Seeko who texted me privately to ask me what’s wrong.

Really thankful for friends like Seeko who, without a second thought, offers his help when I am facing difficulties in life. I really do hope things look up for him at work and personal life soon.

12:51am

Feeling inadequate.

05:12am

Married already? 1 Got boyfriend? 1 Conversations about my eczema 2

CNY Day 1 went surprisingly well. Awkward questions were kept to a minimum because there were other distractions — Brenda is pregnant!!! I’m so freaking happy for her and Hendrick. This means we are going to get baby Brendrick some time in August! It’s nice to see couples who want a family, start a family. Kids are a super huge commitment so preparation is very important.

I probably won’t want a kid... It’s hard enough to raise one in Singapore, and even harder to raise one right. Moral values and manners and stuff. I feel that someone of my personality shouldn’t be a parent. I do want someone to spend my life with though. Like, a committed relationship where both parties are mutually exclusive like a couple. That’ll be so nice.

04 Feb 2019

It really has been a long time since I last wrote. The last post I had in my previous website was early January 2018. I held off writing for a year… Omg. No wonder my command of English is deteriorating.

SO. It’s been more than a year of pent up feelings and thoughts and emotions. I don’t know where to start, honestly. I guess I should start on a clean slate this year. What’s in 2018 shall remain in 2018. The last year went by so fast I can’t really remember any highlights from it anymore hahaha. Heck, it’s already February. I thought it wouldn’t fly by so fast this year but THIS YEAR HAS NO CHILL.

Today is CNY eve… Yet another year come and gone. It’s the festive season that’s gotten all Chinese people riled up and everybody seems possessed by Marie Kondo, throwing even more items in an attempt to spark joy. What I’m concerned about is, are we throwing when we can actually be donating? I’m not talking about expired food or badly conditioned clothing/furniture. I’m talking about perfectly functional items that we have just gotten tired of, or are simply out of trend. My dad sent an article about how the underprivileged people don’t even have things like proper bra. And there are individuals/organisations that actually collect used bras (in good condition) to donate to these people. I’ve set aside some of my stuff for donation and recycling. You should too.

Since we are in the mood for CNY, my parents have taken some time to clean up the house but as usual we can solve the mess but we can’t solve my mom. Not trying to dig up old scores… somehow I attribute much of my current negativity to her. I had a pretty decent childhood but was constantly fed gossip and skepticism as a young kid and that led me to think that nothing good in life is worth being thankful for.

I’m working hard to change this negative mindset of mine by being very conscious of my thoughts. Sometimes it slips through the cracks but most of the time I’m able to catch these thoughts and nip it in the bud before it comes out of my mouth. The mother, on the other hand… says what she thinks and 10/10 times it makes her sound like a complete racist, bigot, sexist, homophobe, narcissist. C says it’s because I’m biased in the first place so whatever she says becomes a thorn in my ears. Trust me I’m trying hard not to flare up at her but sometimes the things that she say are so poisonous that I simply cannot let it slide just because she’s old or “grew up this way.”

So I had the opportunity to live with a Japanese family when I went on my holiday last month. C’s cousin is a close family friend of theirs, because of an exchange program many years back. They have been in touch ever since and they so graciously hosted us for 4 nights. Not gonna lie, I felt inadequate there because:

But all in all I felt so welcome in this foreign place. It was rather difficult for me to grasp the fact that this family was so loving and close knit. Possibly because I’ve never had that with my immediate family. Amazing that they are so warm and have zero judgment for people/things. All smiles and laughter in the house everyday. Okasan has the biggest heart as a mother. She dedicates her life after marriage to her husband and kids. Love this family.

But all envy and negativity aside, I’m really excited for what the coming year has in store for me (although this year has already started). I’ve already ticked one item off my bucket list — skiing!! I realise I’m really into these kinds of sports and I have a certain “talent” for it! The ski rental boss had been watching me and told C’s cousin in law that he didn’t believe it was my first time skiing. /Flips hair in slow motion/ I hope to be able to ski again and perhaps try snowboarding!

I’m excited to reach my goals for work that I set at the start of the year and I believe it will make a difference to the people that I train.

By the way in the last update in my old website I wrote that I didn’t have the opportunity to jump ship over to the training team because they didn’t have headcount. After 1.5 years, there was finally an opening and I jumped at the chance! So now, I’m officially a trainer! I would say work now is much tiring and more stressful but I feel so fulfilled everyday. More updates on this in the next post. Yay!

I guess this is it! Super long first post. Happy new year to my fellow Chinese friends! If anyone’s even reading this. BAI