Sometimes, I want to experience parenting and teach my kids everything they wanted to know and be a better parent for them.

But I realize thinking about being parent also means trying to fix all the failures from my parent's bad parenting that will always haunt me for the rest of my life as a parent.

And that's sufficient for being a turn off to whatever I had in mind previously.

And for that, I will always put the blame on them.

Oh wow. Hi!

just tried to log in to my tumblr account again since forever, thinking i wouldn’t succeed when i actually did. it feels good to be back.

i know it’s not wise questioning my fortune and luck in life.

but.

sometimes i wonder, how do people receive such a great fortune and luck in life while i, instead of not being the one who has the privilege to receive them, being the very least fortunate and lucky if i may say. by the term least, i mean it was very unfortunate and clearly unlucky. 

today, i found out a girl had her chance to pose with my and her bias in such cutie way (they’re making a heart sign together). while me, on the other hand getting the very edge position and not even had any members behind me. life is that cruel and i always wonder why the gap is so so so wide. as much as i avoid to say this, this is unfair. so unfair.

i have always been taught and understand that whatever happens in life it’s what meant to be. it is what God allows. 

but as a human being, can i, in the middle of any other unfortunate events and misery that i’m going through, at least be genuinely happy about something without having to feel weighed or uneasy? can i at least getting the luck and happiness like what others get? can i at least having myself and my bias taking picture side by side because i probably won’t have the energy to support them, not to mention to follow them around and attending all their schedules? can i at least have a good memory to be kept for the sake of the future with my bias? so in case i won’t be supporting him again, i know that i always have something i can keep in mind. eventhough i know like the back of my hand that he won’t remember a thing about me. 

this post probably look so desperate but that’s just how it is. just tell my future self, who i hope her life is a lot better than what i had today, that you used to be in this phase. so in love and so desperate for your bias. and i hope she will only giggle or laughing, because it’s been in the past and she doesn’t need to do this anymore.

Tiara in the future: i hope your life is so much better than this in any way. this is ridiculous. so ridiculous i wish it’ll get over soon. i hope you’re happy in the future, because that’s what really matters.

How does it feels like to have your parents divorce?

A frightening question for a family of course. But don't they questioned it for at least once at some point, do they? As for mine, it's been circulated for several times in the span of 20 years. My family, as ugly as it sounds, is a dysfunctional one if i may say. I just found out quite recent, only few years ago, when I compared mine to others and i was like, "there's something wrong with this family". There's never been a normal communication, and the amount of secrets being kept makes me anxious. Also, i just realized that both my parents were never present emotionally as parents to me. It was as if they're just acting as one, without really functioned so. By the amount of how my mother hurts, and how verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive my father is, I thought maybe separation is better rather than seeing them hurt themselves or even more hurt me and my brother. We always tried to just put it aside but turns out the wounds stack themselves and we're just waiting until they burst like a time bomb. But when the question resurfaces, I realized, I don't think i can cope with that. I am devastated. As bad as they seem, my parents are the only thing that I have. I don't have anyone else but them. And it hurts so much more thinking about that. It's just not about being taken away from your comfort zone, or even financial things. They matter but not what pain me the most. I am afraid of the incompleteness, the void that cannot be filled with money or anything, the loss of someone that not actually gone, only left. I don't know if i can cope with that, not to mention the aftermath of that. I don't know... I've seen plenty of living proof that you can actually survive the disaster of divorce. My ex, dozens of my friends, my cousin, they made it through. They didn't break down, they live happily. They even live better. And i think to myself, "sure i can make it too". But on the second thought, can i really? I know, i know i probably sound like a bad kid for talking bad about my own family but i don't know anyone or anywhere else to talk. I am feeling lonely. I don't know if anyone read this but i am in dire need of your pray. For better or worse, please send your prayer. Thank you in advance.