Muggleborn Headcanon #1737: "A Canadian muggleborn transfer student being all small and shy and cute and everyone expects her patronus to be like a kitten or something but then this MOOSE THE SIZE OF A CAR ERUPTS OUT."

…I had him killed. Or was it his family? Either way, the spread will be better next time…That’s the last time I’m kidnapping a fucking TV celebrity chef…

"Ajay? Ajay? Aaaaaaaaajaaaaay?"

"Uh? Yes?"

"Awesome! Oh, just making sure you’ve been listening."

I wish you could remember what it was like back then, Ajay. Your mother and I, with you on her hip, oh those were the days. She was never happier than she was back then, and I should say the same for myself. We had such plans, not just for our little family, but for Kyrat. It wasn’t always like this, I long for those days but then it’s too late. I tried, I really really did, this place is ruinous. Try not to let them drag you down, Ajay. Ishwari didn’t send you back here for that.

I’ve been thinking about my image, on the world stage, and I think what I lack is a celebrity endorsement, you know, a visit from Dennis Rodman type. Perhaps I could get Beckham to bring the Galaxy over for a game against my best 11? A bit cliché now I suppose. A pop star? If the dictator of Turkmenistan can get J-Lo to sing him “Happy Birthday” then who’s to say I can’t get my fading star of yesteryear? I wonder how much Kanye is going for. Do you follow him on Twitter? It is gold. I would love to shoot the breeze with that young man.

Uncle Pagan here, just checking in on my favorite nephew. So tell me, Ajay, who are you rooting for so far? Have you fallen into Amita’s honey pot, or have you been dazzled by Sabal’s flowing locks and bad-boy jawline? Hey, each to his own, that’s your lifestyle choice to make. He isn’t my cup of tea, contrary to the rash assumption some may make about my appearance. I am indeed batting for the other team. You, more than most, should know that there was only ever one woman for me, my boy.

Oh, I’d love to give you a tour of my vaults one day. Right now, I’m looking at all the wealth of Kyrat. Gold medallions, ivory statues, jade carvings, such delightful trinkets! The Golden Path says I stole its wealth, but I did no such thing! They robbed themselves for centuries instead of putting it to good use! I, on the other hand, have been selling off whatever I can to the West, and whatever I can’t, I melt it down and make something a little more…contemporary. There’s a lesson for you, Ajay. People are hypocrites, and they all want someone to blame for their shit-filled lives, they never want to accept their share of the responsibility. The next time they’re whining about building schools or clinics, remember they’ve been hiding away their fortune in dusty old monasteries for centuries!

Ajay, you’ve been out and about exploring Kyrat for a while now. Tell me who lights all of those fucking candles? The country is in the grips of a civil war, an apparently monstrous dictator has the country on it’s knees, and yet some industrious fool has put it upon himself to wake up every morning and go around lighting hundreds, and hundreds of candles. Oh I’m tempted to employ someone to blow them all out again. Actually I have a better idea—Gary. GARY! Put it down this is important. Listen, candles are now illegal. What? Yes all of them! Treason punishable by death, thank you—and thank you Ajay, you just made my week.

Ajay, I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of having a new suit made up for you. If you are to lead Kyrat when this is all over, you’re going to need a sharper look than denims and fucking sneakers, my boy. And that jacket. Oh, don’t get me started. Why on Earth do you need so many zippered pockets? What do you keep in them all? Handfuls of meat? Huh, I suppose you do. I’ll make a note for my tailor: “Ajay’s jacket, zippered meat pockets.” Perfect. Well, don’t let me slow you down.

Did I ever tell you about Noore? This is one of my favorites. She used to be a doctor, quite a benevolent soul. She came to Kyrat on some aid mission in the early days of my reign. She had the audacity to write a report on the human right abuses perpetrated by my regime! So I reached out to her, invited her to come back, to see the improvements, how we’d acted on her recommendations. I extended the invite to her family. So she came, husband and kids. I put them up in the palace, I even put on a little meeting for her, made a PowerPoint, “A 12-Step Action Plan” to address Kyrat’s human rights violations *chuckles* Except each slide was about how I was going to ruin Noore’s life. *laughs* So Paul “De Pleur” kept her family hostage while I forced the great humanitarian, Dr. Najjar, to run the most terrible parts of my Kyrati empire. Oh, between you and I, I think she actually enjoys it now.

A word to the wise, Ajay. The next time you need something lanced, employ the services of a professional, as scarce as those services may be around here. Did you know because of your mother I sponsored an entire class of students to study medicine in Singapore? And they never came back! Can you believe the depth of that ingratitude? Paul dealt with their families here in Kyrat, and I had my contacts in Singapore track them down and find a fitting end for each of them, yes. Oh, as satisfying as that was, I now find myself lancing my own boils. Gary! Bring me some gauze and some fucking antiseptic ointment!

I’ve spent a lot of my life apologizing for Yuma’s first impressions. She has a remarkable ability to make consistently terrible introductions. I’d love for you two to meet on better terms, she really has been the driving force behind most of my successes. She forges deals with my international buyers, she polices Noore and De Pleur, she even finds time to run my army. Well, that is until her recent obsession with Kyrati superstition took a hold of her. She thinks I don’t know about the expeditions she’s been sending up the mountains looking for magical paintings or whatever it is. I’m as open as the next fellow about negligible losses for the sake of employee morale, but only so many pens can go missing from the stationary cupboard before someone has to lose a hand!

I was in America not so long ago. I looked up Ishwari, but I couldn’t bring myself to see her, not after all these years. You always regret those decisions when they die, don’t you? Anyway, I was there with De Pleur, or rather “Paul Harmon”. He invited me to his home to meet his family, to see the other side of him. It was incredible to see the man behind the man. Paul, the loving father and husband. I was as jealous as I was happy for him. We went to his daughter’s school to see a recital. There was his darling Ashley, the light of his life. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes, so proud, so much love. It really made me think, what if I had followed Ishwari? What if that were you clumsily stumbling through a piano recital as I looked on teary-eyed through a viewfinder, capturing every precious moment. It always hits you when it’s too late, Ajay, always when they’ve gone.

After Ishwari left it was a very dark time for me. Oh I was a cruel and angry young man. It’s this time more than any that gives me the reputation I have today. Yes, yes, I murdered countless innocents, yes I outlawed religion, yes I changed the currency so everyone’s savings were meaningless. And yes, I may have gone through a period of bathing in yaks’ blood and slamming rails of coke. But…I’m reformed now, look at me, getting this country back on it’s feet again. Top shape, Ajay. *snorts a rail of coke* Top shape.

Ajay, did I ever tell you about my first body double? Not the one you wiped off the map, he’s number three or four now perhaps. Anyway, the first one, Jeong was his name, started brilliantly. He looked the part, diligent in his duty, but back then I didn’t realize what becoming me could do to a man. He went completely berserk! And it wasn’t the random beheadings or the blood-drinking that did him in in the end, no! It was a particularly embarrassing incident where in full costume, he was caught trying to sneak into Disneyland! Using a forged Dominican Republic passport—this is the best part—under a Chinese name that meant “Fat Bear”. Fucking imbecile!

"Hello Ajay, did you miss me? Oh wait, yes, you did!"

"Pagan? I just killed you!"

"No, no, you just ruined a perfectly good body double with hair loss. Do you know how expensive he was to make? He wasn’t even Asian, for Christ’s sake, he was from Melbourne, I think. His only crime was being born with fabulous cheekbones. Whose picture do you think’s on the money? No matter, what’s done is done, I suppose next time it’ll just be you and me.

"Oh Ajay, I can almost see your furrowed brow from here."

"Pagan, what do you want."

*tutting* ”Tone! I’m merely calling to check up on you! I hear your little friends are having a bit of a spat. It must be hard, what with you in the middle of it all. Choices are difficult. Trust me, I’ve been there. In fact, you should be grateful for the choices I’ve made. Choices like Yuma. I went on live television to serve her up to you, and I loathe television. Radio is so much more my thing. And you, you jumped on the opportunity. Poor Yuma, she will be missed. It was a tough call to make, picking you over her. But it was the right call. You’ll see. Of course, you’re in a hurry. Places to go, shit to tear up. I’ll let you get back to it. But don’t forget, Ajay, choices have consequences.”

Really, Ajay? What do you have against my likeness? All those posters, Eric my double, and now this. Am I missing a hint? Should I start taking this personally? That statue was solid fucking gold. Literally! I’m not being metaphorical. Do you know how many artifacts I had to melt down to get it made? And poor Eric standing there for God knows how long just to pose for it! Well, what’s done is done. And dinner’s nearly ready.

If you’re listening to this, I am no longer with you. At the time of this recording, Ajay Ghale has just ditched me at a dinner party, and I am admittedly a little ???. I have a plan for what should happen next, but the future is a fickle mistress. Regardless, I hope I leave Kyrat in better hands than my own. And to the Golden Path, oh ho! Fuck you. I’ve always hated the lot of you. Sincerely, Pagan Min.

Well I had something important to say, but I suppose you just want to get out there and start shooting things. *chuckle* That’s my boy.

You know what I hate? Typos. You pay good money for propaganda posters, you expect them to be properly proofread! Ajay, be a good little errand boy and destroy the less than perfect propaganda in that center. While you’re at it, teach the people there a lesson. We’ll see if they’ll ever spell Pagan with an ‘e’ again! I’ll bet this is Yuma’s doing. She knows just how to piss me off.

I feel so much better knowing those terrible posters will never see the light of day. I’m giving you elephants. That’s right, elephants! I call the big one Hurley. He’s clumsy, but oh-so-adorable.

Well, Daddy’s tower didn’t go boom-boom, so that means you must have succeeded. Excellent work, Ajay. You are, er, let’s see here, “capable and valued”, yes, those were the words for the day. I’m a believer in positive reinforcement in case you haven’t figured that out. Your reward! It will be made available to you when you head to your little landing zone. Thank you so much!

I still believe in you, and I still value you, Ajay. I’m a believer in positive reinforcement. I’m in control of my temper, even if you did just fuck up royally!

"You, with nowhere to go and nowhere to return… I grant you a place to belong. My name is Yato. Bearing a posthumous name, you shall remain here. With this name, I make thee my servant. With this name and its alternate, I use my life to make thee a Regalia! Thou art Yuki! As Regalia, Setsu! Come Sekki!