forever fangirling

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

A++ addition

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

I LOVE THIS

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam

I love this, I love all of this, but quick question, does the author know? Like are they aware that their significant other is a serial killer or do they just think that they have a morbid sense of humor? It’d be even funnier if the author had no fucking clue, like how Aurthur Conan Doyle was apparently stupidly gullible, and on top of it they’re a horror or crime novelist. Like the serial killer works at a butcher shop or something so it’s completely normal for them to come home smelling like blood, no murders going on here, no sirey. Just my darling coming back home from a long day at work.

Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.

So you get this dynamic of the serial killer mining the author for creative murder schemes, the author being lovingly encouraged by the serial killer, and finally the detective who is just so sure that the author is the killer and that if he sticks it out long enough he’ll FINALLY have proof.

Plot twist, The serial killer and detective use to go out so it gets sub what personal. 

“You need to stop seeing them. I think they are a serial killer.”

Serial killer breaths in. “Look-”

…perfect

I don’t like actual murder mysteries, but this is perfect

((The ability to appreciate and evaluate human aesthetic is not determined by your sexuality))

THANK YOU

Reblogging at the speed of light

“Aw what a cute cat!”

“What I didn’t know you were attracted to animals!”

THIS. I am not attracted to people. At least not based on physical appearance. I don’t “find people attractive”. It’s not a personal thing, I’m just able to see someone and be like “oh, they are a nice-looking human being” objectively.

Knowing that someone IS attractive, and being attracted TO them are two completely different things

does anyone else read the lips of people on gifs to figure out which part of the subtitles they are saying

yes and it’s hella annoying when it’s not even like a full word

“are you really going to tear a friendship apart over different opinions??”

listen, I got tons of friends who like pineapple on their pizza, but once you reach that “you, your community, or other marginalized communities don’t deserve basic human rights or even perhaps the right to live” level, you should just accept that it’s your fault no one wants to be your friend. 

More accurately, no one really breaks up friendships (or families) over differences of “opinion”, but they will do so over differences of fundamental issues of morality.

The fact that large numbers of people think that “moral positions, often about issues that are literally life and death” and “personal opinions” are interchangeable concepts is a large part of what’s wrong with society.

this really put into words something i’ve always struggled to articulate, especially the last paragraph. 

oh my god, literally why I “broke up” with someone I thought was my best friend fundamental differences.issues of fucking morality this human questioned my belief that humans are fundamentally good do you know how much questioning that fucks you up

ok can someone make me a thing showing how to turn off the best stuff first bullshit? I can’t find it and i’d hate to be missing content from creators

turns out I somehow had PARENTAL RESTRICTIONS on my phone (I’m a 23 year old who hasn’t lived at home for 3 years...) so the fucking app wasn’t updating  Hilarious because i def use tumblr for smut

it allowed the app on my phone, but didn’t allow it to update.  BUT THE BEST NEWS GUYS IS I’VE TURNED OFF THE GODDAMN BEST STUFF FIRST BULLSHIT

also the home/menu bar is at the bottom and not the top and I don’t know how I feel about this 

My fucking hero forever.

Forever my queen

this is beautiful. 

because no amount of gifs could do this scene justice

This is why Mr. Fry will always have a seat at my table.

Amen.

I was having a conversation about religion with this guy and he asked me what I would do if I got into heaven and had to sit next to God. I told him I wouldn’t take the seat.

you ever see girls that are so pretty that you don’t know what to do with yourself

i made a pretty girl laugh w/a silly joke and i got so flustered that i apologized

this pretty girl told me my hair was cute and touched it briefly and I couldn’t form full sentences for a solid 10 minutes.

at a football game a pretty girl told me i was cute and she also called me kiddo and i couldnt play my instrument right for the rest of the night

every girl I see is pretty, I am in a constant state of paralysis

this pretty girl offered to teach me how to longboard and when she was teaching me how to balance she put her hands on my hips and I felt my soul leave my body

one time a pretty girl called me “gorgeous” and I was so shocked and flustered that I literally cried right in front of her

today a pretty girl walked me out of class and i was surprised when she kept walking even though we reached her bus stop and i asked her where she was heading and she said “oh i just wanted to walk you to wherever you’re going” and we both blushed

at work this summer there was a pretty girl who came in multiple times a week and every single day she showed up I would lose the ability to form coherent sentences for at least ten minutes

A pretty cashier at the campus store told me I was pretty and I got so flustered that when I went back to my room I had to lay down for half an hour and my roommate was starting to get concerned. 

There’s a REALLY pretty girl in my band class and she’s three chairs away from me and every time I even glance up at her she looks back and smiles at me and I forget how to read music

This entire post just added 10 years to my life and soul

Once I was getting off the bus and there was a girl so beautiful next to me that I tripped and walked into a bus pole.

honestly me every time i see my gf, like holy shit, but also once in college i ran across this weird gothy/pseudo-victorian girl and she was so painfully pretty that i died

Once I met a girl so pretty I lost all ability to differentiate between languages and gave her my coffee order in three different ones mashed together. (She laughed at me, but that’s okay, because she married me two years later.)

This thread ended in the best possible way. I hope y'all stay pure

Please, never let this meme die.

This is the best one I’ve seen so far

What kind of quantum fucking memeing from 2056 are you people beaming to us

IVE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE

HOYL SHIT MUTHERCULKERS THIS SHIT IS THE BOMB

i think bo burnham is my sugar daddy

ok but did he deliver

of course 

OH MY GOD

what the HELL OH MY GOD

IM DYING THIS IS GOLDDDDDDDDDDDDD

did i ever tell ppl about the time me and my family thought my older brother was gay and dating his best friend? they used to hold hands and cuddle and shit all the time and cause my brothers super quiet we kinda just thought that was him coming out and didn’t really say anything about it. this went on for maybe two yrs and then one day he arrives home with this girl and is all ‘id like you guys to meet my girlfriend’. at this point everyone is ’????’ and my mom is literally crying and like ‘u broke up with James?!?!?!’ and honestly I’ve never seen a man more confused in his life and yeah that’s the time my family fucked up for like 2 yrs

Why were they cuddling and holding hands may I ask

because they wanted to

let guys be intimate friends 2k17

oh my god this is beautiful

🔥 California is on fire. 🔥 Washington is on fire. 🔥 Oregon is on fire. 🔥 Montana is on fire. 🔥 Utah is on fire. 🔥 Colorado is on fire. 🔥 British Columbia is on fire. 🔥 Nova Scotia is on fire. 🔥 Greece is on fire. 🔥 Brazil is on fire. 🔥 Portugal is on fire. 🔥 Algeria is on fire. 🔥 Tunisia is on fire. 🔥 Greenland is on fire. 🔥 The Sakha Republic of Russia is on fire. 🔥 Siberia is on fire. ⛈️ Texas is hit by Cat 4 hurricane and is underwater, as Cat 5 Hurricane Irma continues to build in the Atlantic. ⛈️ India, Nepal, Pakistan, and Bangladesh, experience record monsoons. ⛈️ Sierra Leone and Niger experience massive floods, mudslides, and deaths in the thousands. 🌡️Italy, France, Spain, Switzerland, Hungary, Poland, Romania, Bosnia, Croatia, and Serbia are in the grip of a triple digit heat wave (dubbed Lucifer). 🌡️Southern California continues to swelter under triple digit heat. 🌡️ In usually chilly August, the city of San Francisco shatters all-time record at 106 degrees, while it reaches 115 degrees south of the city.

Wow….. the world is getting scarier by the minute. My heart goes out to the people of Mexico who were affected by this. Magnitude 8 ain’t not joke.

UPDATE: A possible Tsunami has been warned at about 5 am in the following areas: Mexico, Guatemala, El Salvador, Costa Rica, and other neighboring areas at the coast. I’m hoping and praying it doesn’t get to a tsunami. I can only imagine how terrified everyone is down there….

jesus christ last two weeks have been an absolute dumpster fire.positive and STAY FUCKING SAFE vibes to all those in the path of the hurricanes and fires and earthquakes and whatever shit the universe decides to throw at us next

idk what’s funnier, pets with stereotypical human names like bryan and mckayla or pets with completely ridiculous names like hamburger and concrete

counterpoint- both, one of each. “these are my cats, switchboard and gary.”

in my family we have 3 dogs (separate households. I count the other dogs as my niece/nephew) Their names kinda cross the spectrum- Hudson (totally normal name) a tiny dachshund/beagle mix, Zelda (yes, named after the video game) is a small fluffball (eskie), and my dog is Popsicle- beagle/pug mix hahaha  If I were to get another pet, I’d probably name it something totally nerdy but a touch more normal than Popsicle. (wanheda sounds like an AWESOME name for a kitty.) god I love pet names. Don’t even get me started on horse names. that shit is cray