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NiveusXPhoenix | I’ll meet you by the ashes

      Jasper let out a slow breath at Scott’s words, knowing he’d said the exact same thing before and heard the same response but this time the Phoenix was purring and the forced bond created earlier had now reconnected and there was a presence, even though it was low but the presence was there and Jasper took it as a sign that this really was real. Which meant he was free and then it came back. Slow enough for Jasper to understand it all thanks to the Phoenix. 

      “You’re real,” he repeated, almost like a whisper that he couldn’t quite believe it. After everything that had happened, Scott was finally really by his side. So many nights he had spent in that cell, curled in on himself, pressing against the wall to try and protect himself from any further assaults and he would dream. He would day dream of Scott blasting down those walls and killing every bastard that had ever touched him and then scooped him up and rescued him.

      It was almost exactly how he pictured it minus Scott entering with the guard which still came as a surprise and something he would need to question later but right now, right now there was a warm touch on his hand and Jasper slowly glanced down, wondering how long Scott had been touching him but it was… warm. Jasper was freezing, a clear sign that the Phoenix wasn’t burning as bright as it should be. Scott was warm and Jasper just stared down at the hand touching his.

      The first time in this body, the first time they’d held hands in this body and then he was struck by the next realisation of how different he was now and how what he had once had with Scott may now be altered because of how different he was. So many questions, so many but before they could well up, the Phoenix was quietening down anything that could overwhelm his damaged mind. So Jasper was left with one other thing to focus on. 

      Other than the fact that his skin fingers were twitching from the prolonged contact, Jasper could only stare, then lift his gaze to stare at Scott and then tears filled his own. He was exhausted though, so they fell silently down his cheeks and he glanced away, mouth moving silently for a few moments before he spoke, because there was only one thing that he could say right now.

              “I’m so s-sorry.”

   He wasn't a hero.

        Hell, Scott can perfectly picture Logan telling him this was all dumb luck. How he not only found where they were hiding Jasper, but also how Scott had managed to get rid of the guard (something that still disturbs him), drag them both outside, and then the Phoenix taking it from there. Now they're alone in a cabin with little to no chance of anyone showing up. All they needed now was some clothes and someone to take care of their problem a few states over. Scott would lead the team --but he's lost the ability to do that years ago. He'll never admit it, but the force inside Jasper completely ruined his life, at least his life as a mutant. Now all he was is a man, and all he had left was him.

        Just Jasper, the man he loved, and who loved him in return. Just for now, Scott could forget everything they've been through. The years of mourning after Jasper's first death, those few moments shared when he came back --only to take Scott's life, and in return he woke up months later, where they reunited once more. While he was at the mansion, suffering in bed rest, wondering where Jasper was and why he wasn't coming home...only to see him with Magneto, only it wasn't him. That was the Phoenix. Logan killed the Phoenix, and with that he murdered the love of Scott's life. It seems to be unending, their dance with despair, even now...Scott wondered how long it would be before they lose each other again. Damn it, was now really the time to thing about that?

        Scott gave him a broken smile,  one that didn't quite  meet the sadness in his eyes. It was hard to be happy about anything when all that surrounded them were problems and hard questions. He gently rubbed his thumb across the back of Jasper's hand, feeling how different this is compared to before. That was difficult, seeing how its been...too long since they've been like this, while both of them are physically alive at least. The obvious elephant in the room made itself clear when he saw Jasper's eyes water up, so much has  c h a n g e d. Too much, it seemed. He couldn't lie and say 'its okay' because he's not completely sure that it is. Would they...would they be okay?

        He frowned, leaning in close, but pausing just short of touching. Scott wasn't afraid to touch him because he was different, he wasn't sure what would be too much, its been so long...and so much has changed between them. Scott didn't want to push him, not after what hes seen. “Sorry?”

          “ What are you sorry for? ”

NiveusXPhoenix | I’ll meet you by the ashes

      There had to be someone here surely. There was something niggling in his mind, a thought being lightly coaxed by the Phoenix, something Jasper had forgotten and hadn’t yet managed to grasp on. It wasn’t that he’d forgotten Scott had rescued him, more that his mind was still stuck in a time of pain rather than relief and Scott had been a great sense of relief that had been warped time and time again by Sinister. So it took a while for Jasper to sift through all the memories of what had happened before his world blacked out. 

      It all fell into place when Scott appeared in the door way. He looked so different than Jasper remembered but also exactly the same. A distinct lack of crimson in his eyes but Jasper felt like he should already know about but at the same time it felt strange to see. So much was wrong, so much time had passed and Jasper was well aware of how different he was now, physically and mentally. And he was rather surprised that the rest of the XMen hadn’t followed to kill him where he lay. It’d probably only take a shove and he’d be gone.

              “—Hey.”

      Oh god it hurt to speak and Jasper had to close his eyes for a moment, opening them again quickly just in case Scott disappeared but no, he was real and right there and still leaning on the edge of the bed. Jasper wanted to reach out and touch but he was sure he wouldn’t be allowed and yet at the same time the idea of contact made his skin crawl, despite how the Phoenix flicked up in protest at having no contact when Scott was right there. 

                   ”…-you real?

                       “ Yea-- ”

        “--yea, I'm real.” He almost cried right there, Scott wasn't sad, far from it. He just felt so  r e l i e v e d. That simple, broken hey completely changed his world. God, he's alive, they're actually in an abandoned cabin and he did actually walk for hours to town to get cans of soup --this is real. Strange, then again, nothing about this was normal. Years have gone by, and between them nothing but betrayal, malice, regret, and eternal love. Call him crazy, because with how his heart is beating and how seeing Jasper still brings a smile to his face, he may as well be. Still, it was so strange staring at this new face and knowing that this was the man he loved, only he wasn't. He was thinner, paler, but those could both be from being locked up and malnutrition.

        There was a clear difference, anyone else sitting her would never realize that this is their Jasper. Their Marvel Boy. Scott knew, and something inside his mind didn't like the change, but his heart could care less. With him, Scott usually followed his heart. His mind wasn't going to win this war, not when that warm feeling resided there again. Him. It was so pathetic, and a little crazy, but when he could feel Jasper in his head once again, all he could think was welcome home. They had been trying to mend their connection during the dreams, those lovely dreams...but, they ended, and the link went dead once more. For weeks, Scott lost all hope, and again he had been broken. Thanks to the Phoenix, equally against and with him, that forced connection back at Sinister's facility was what they needed to be home again.

         “Look,” He started, hesitating for a moment before reaching his hand forward and as light as a feather, he crushed his fingers along Jasper's new digits. Blue eyes flicked down, staring in wonderment at this hand he's only held once, just hours ago. Scott slowly, very slowly, laced their fingers together.

                    “ I'm real. ”

NiveusXPhoenix | I’ll meet you by the ashes

      Jasper remained unconscious throughout all of the movement, from the snow to the warmth of Scott’s shoulder to the softness of the bed, it all passed over the mutant like it was never happening. The Phoenix however could feel every single ounce of pain the movement brought and every point of contact with Scott became a point of contact where the Force could to draw energy from the other. Not as much this time but enough to begin the healing process and work to save the fractured physical form that Jasper and the Phoenix were housed in. 

      When Scott pressed forehead to forehead, the Phoenix did what it could to ease Scott’s own pain while taking as much energy as it could. Then Scott was gone and the Force was left alone. The cabin may have been deserted and the weather cold but here and out of the cage it was barely felt as the Phoenix got to work. 

      With limited energy, the Force set to work feeling what could be fixed with what it had to fix and then the Phoenix set to work. Broken bones came first, the snapped thigh bone being the priority as time ticked by, then the Phoenix started on a cycle of rebirth from the waist down, the damage too extensive for any sort of healing so the Phoenix started a rebirth. 

      By the time the Phoenix was done, the energy was depleted but Jasper was no longer as near death as he had been once before. Most of the injuries were now located in the torso and up but he was breathing steadier now and Jasper became more resting than simply hiding. 

      It had to be hours later when Jasper finally woke up, greeted by a cold and dark room with frosted up windows and a rush of moisture when he breathed out. In the darkness it took a few moments for Jasper to work out that he was no longer in the cell. A hallucination? No, the Phoenix was purring in his mind, actually purring which was something Jasper hadn’t heard in a painfully long time. It was freezing which was something else Jasper noticed and trembling fingers reached for the sheet near him to tug it over him and try and gather some warmth. 

      He ached everyone, well from the waist up and his breathing was ragged but Jasper did note that he couldn’t feel anything from the waist down… or maybe it had been too long since he had felt healed that the feeling registered as foreign. The room was too dark to see and Jasper was too weak to provide energy for the Phoenix so he just lay there, staring into the darkness and listening to that purr echo around his mind, trying to remember what had happened and how he had gotten here. 

      Then he licked dry lips and called out hoarsly “…’S-anyone there?”

                  “ Where are we..? ”

        At least this was still earth. Where on earth, that was the question. He left the cabin not long ago, leaving Jasper was the hardest thing he's done this week. That and lying to Storm before he left to this adventure. A trail of footprints led back to the cabin, a part of him was angry, his mind snapping at Scott to be more careful. But, if this is what he guessed, and the Phoenix was behind they're movement, then he should have nothing to worry about for a while. His only concern right now was finding out how long they will have before they need to vacate the cabin, or why they're at this cabin in the first place. It all looked very touristy, a large lake just out the back, a small dock for boats to rest in, but since the water was frozen over the entire area was completely vacated of all life.

        It must have been about 30 minutes of wondering around before Scott actually found a small trail. If he wasn't looking for it, it would have completely passed him by, snow covering nearly everything. Careful navigation brought him to a small area of civilization --minus the civilization part. Not a single person around, even animals didn't want to be seen here, but there was a big sign next to the largest building. It looked like the cabin he left Jasper at, only bigger and more worn down. It's something. He trudged through the snow until he was close enough to read 'CLOSED FOR WINTER' on the large sign and a contact information beneath. Right on. That makes his job much easier.

        Another 15 or so minutes was spent scouting the area, looking for a phone or anything he could use without needing the invisible front desk person. No such luck on that part, but he did find a pamphlet with a map. Not much, but enough to get him to the nearest town, where he could get to a phone and some cash on hand would get them some stock for the cabin. Since this was an attraction, and it looked like these were summer homes up for rent, he doubts there will be anything to eat, or change into. Too bad he doesn't have anything but his own two feet, food will be all he can carry for now. Maybe when Jasper heals up enough they can go out into town to eat. Scott feels some form of security being a few states away from that hell hole.

        Time passed, hours this time around, before he got back to the cabin (those footsteps actually helped a lot) to find Jasper still asleep. Scott found comfort in noticing that the man looked more at peace than he did before he left. At least now he's getting some well deserved rest. He closed the door after shutting the window curtains and went into the kitchen. Gotta hand it to the Pheonix, its certainly not cheap. The power was still on and he wondered if that's only to keep the place from freezing over and the fridge from smelling, he didn't know, and he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth for this one. He put the food away, just some snacks, hot cocoa, oatmeal and cans of soup. Anything he could carry in a plastic bag and store conveniently. In the end, he think he made good choices.

                                                                                                ' --------’S-anyone there? '

        It was faint, but the cabin was so eerily silent that he heard those words clearly. Looks like he's awake already, Scott envied him, must be nice feeling rested. Oh well, he should be able to get a decent amount of sleep tonight, hopefully. Scott took a breath to build up control, he's going to need it for this. Every step towards him was loud against the floor, and every step made him feel smaller; scared. Eventually he would have to face this, so he's going to go for it head on. Scott opened the door and peered into the dark room, where his eyes used to gleam red into the darkness, nothing was there anymore. Just two normal, bright blue eyes. The light coming in the from the doorway illuminated the man lying in bed, a sheet covering most of him and with some imagination, Scott could pretend he didn't have any scars. But, no point in wishing away whats already happened, so he stepped inside and rested against the edge of the bed once more.

                “ .  .  .Hey. ”

NiveusXPhoenix | I’ll meet you by the ashes

               ”We’re leaving.”

      Oh how Jasper had longed to hear those words for longer than he could remember. How he had longed to hear them from Scott and how he longed for them to be true. But they were never true, never held any value and even as Jasper felt the reduced presence in his mind he was reminded that their connection, the connection he needed to survive was as absent as a gentle touch in this hell hole. So when Scott reached for him, grasped him and moved him, all Jasper could do was whine, low and broken in his throat in an attempt to let his discomfort known.       Not that it mattered, more so when Scott mentioned knowing how to get out of here and all Jasper could think was why, how does he know, why did the guard let him in here? There were no other mutants present, the Phoenix couldn’t detect their presence in Scott’s short term memory which meant he was here alone. All things that suddenly because irrelevant when Scott opened the door and let them out.

      Like juice escaping a bottle that had been shaken far too many times, the power rushed towards the Phoenix once it was free from the cage and within seconds the creature was spreading it’s mental wings, infecting the mind of every single filthy human that had laid even a fleck of skin on Jasper. The Phoenix became a disease in those few moments, intent on it’s purpose and making sure that every single man that had ever done something would suffer excruciating agony for the rest of his days yet lack the ability to process the thought of suicide. Phoenix would make them suffer. 

      While this occurred, the Phoenix was also able to latch onto Scott for the energy it would need for what came next. Jasper was too weak to support such power by himself and thus every point of contact between the two became a way for Phoenix to drain Scott as safely as he could. Some would say it resembled a vampire but anyone on the Astral Plane would simply see the Phoenix surrounding them both, creating a flow of energy from Scott to Jasper to the Phoenix Force itself.        For Scott, his world would have turned white for a split second and in that time, the Phoenix teleported both Jasper and Scott as far away from the compound as possible while still remaining on Earth. They found themselves in a small cabin more often used as a holiday home during the summer but with the impending harsh Winter, the cabin was abandoned and empty. It was situated in the middle of a forest far from prying eyes and unhelpful questions though the small desk near the door contained a leaflet of summer activities and a map to the nearest town. 

      With the transport complete and the Phoenix satisfied that they were not tracked, followed or anything else by Sinister, the Force retreated back into Jasper who only lasted a few seconds of seeing the scenery change around him before the strain became too much and his wold blacked out, his injured form crashing to the wooden floor with a dull thud.

        Scott knew they would need to have a talk later, a long, tiring talk. There are too many questions without enough answers, and how many of their answers will be drowned in lies?  He already knows, contemplating when he will hear Jasper's voice again while he drags him down the corridor, Scott will never admit to the pain he went through without Jasper. He will tell him he missed him, he waited --but never how the love of his life hurt him. And, if he knows Jasper, he will never confess to what happened to him in all the months they've waited for each other. That's perfectly fine with him, he's seen enough. Right now, he just needs to get them out of here. While Scott was scoping out this building, he never checked out the exterior. That's his own fault, now they're going to be dragging themselves around aimlessly until they either A. Get away or B. Get caught.

        Screw it, there's the door. One thing at a time, first, getting out. Grabbing his own key card, he swiped it through the lock, the little light turned green --and they were free. No relief came to him, too many problems were still around and he couldn't be content until he knew Jasper was safe. “What are you--??” He didn't let go when he was surprised by the large burst of energy coming from the man, but he did duck down as if something was going to fly around and smack him in the head. Where did all this power come from? Jasper could barely stand on his own two feet and Scott could actually feel the misshaped limbs he was currently holding. The Phoenix became a supernova, all of the abuse, torment, and captivity finally becoming too much and now that its felt freedom --its snapped.

        Even to its savior, Scott, there was no mercy. At least not that he knew of, it was like a leech had grabbed hold of him and was draining what will he had left to fight away. All he could do was hang onto Jasper like his life depended on it, he didn't want to open his eyes and be alone again. Everything happened so fast, for a moment the ex-mutant was terrified they didn't make it, they the white flash of light was some kind of 'caught you'. No. No no no...Minutes went by while he just crouched there, Jasper held tightly in his arms. Nothing happened, everything --calmed. The energy settled, the world around them seemed to shift, but Scott only opened his eyes again when the figure in his hold went limp. “Jasper!” Jasp--What in the world? When...Where....?

        How the hell  did they end up here? Just a few feet away from them, in the middle of surrounding trees and snow covered terrain that he was a stranger to, there was a small wooden cabin. Hopefully vacant, its all they had right now, and damn it, he's done playing nice. Hefting Jasper over his shoulders, wincing at a few cracks that sounded, he easily kicked the locked door in and wondered around towards any bedroom he could find. This place was completely ...empty. Eerily so. Dust covered the wood, the windows were covered in frost, and he realized that Jasper was naked and now probably freezing. Damn it! First this, he doesn't need him suffering from frost bite too. “This just keeps getting easier,” he muttered to himself, settling Jasper's broken into the first bed he could find.

        After a moment he settled against the edge, knee resting on the mattress so that he can face the out cold man. So different. Then again, he's changed too, and right now his new appearance is the least of Scott's worries. Before he heads out to find out where exactly they are, even though his body felt heavy and his head hurt, he leaned down and pressed his forehead against his lovers. His fingers gently touched faded red locks of hair, brushing them back and out of Jasper's bruised and sunken face. Something about him, despite the bruises and how deathly he looked, was just beautiful to Scott. 

             “ I-- ”

                   Even though Jasper was out cold and                    completely unable to  hear him,  Scott                    still couldn't form the words to say.  .  .

                                      “ .  .  .I'll be right back. ”

NiveusXPhoenix | I’ll meet you by the ashes

      He wanted Scott to go away. He wasn’t real, he never was and Jasper was tired, so tired of thinking the man he adored was back to save him, tired of thinking that this was going to end. That this hell was going to end. So he tried to turn away, fought to move away from something he was positive wasn’t real. His lips moved but Jasper couldn’t get his throat to work again, couldn’t get sound to escape so he gave up and let his eyes close.

      But the Phoenix, the Phoenix was unwilling to let this go and if this was another trick then it would simply be showing Sinister things he already knew. Jasper went still once more, the only evidence of life being the rapid rise and fall of his bruised chest. When Scott reached out and touched, trembling fingers wrapping around equally trembling fingers drove a knife through Jasper’s gut and he wanted to wretch himself away. He wanted to beg, no more, please no more but the words wouldn’t form. 

      That’s where the Phoenix came in. The point of contact was a link, a suggestion to the old bond that had once given Jasper so much life. But it had been severed and it was now the only thing that could prevent the fracture of the tortured mutant. With that physical link, the Phoenix slipped forward and worked it’s way into Scott’s mind, latching onto the spot that had once housed a piece of Jasper. 

      There were no words, Phoenix was not one to converse, so all it did was draw Scott into Jasper’s mind. He pulled Scott as deep as he could, right back to all those months ago. In some way, Scott became another figure, simply standing there to observe what was going on around him while the Phoenix rested in it’s own form, a bird of flame atop Scott’s shoulder.

      The first scene was Jasper, old Jasper regaining his physical form and walking right into Sinister’s trap. The scene on front of them was Jasper fighting, the Phoenix slaughtering people in their bod to escape but the cell, the cell crafted from the phoenix egg remains shut the powers down like locking them in the jar. The Phoenix settled a little more firmly on Scott’s shoulder and the scene changed, to Sinister revealing his desire to host the Phoenix, Jasper spitting in his face and snarling at how help would come. 

      Then the scene’s flipped by, like a fast forward of select memories. From beatings to tortures, several times Jasper had fought back and been left a broken pile of blood and bones on the floor. Then a rescue, the X-Men and more importantly Scott coming to save him. The relief in Jasper was clear and the Phoenix revealed the scene up until Scott morphed into Sinister and the whole rescue was revealed to be a hoax. This happened too many times to count and only when the Phoenix picked up on Scott’s distress did he switch and show the first time Jasper had been violated. 

      Jasper fought tooth and nail, screamed his heart out and make a million promises of how he would kill Sinister as the mutant forced his way inside Jasper and fucked him until his hips were painted with bruises and his thighs dripping in cum and blood. The Phoenix didn’t linger, skipping past more memories of more assaults, the guards joining in, the tools and toys, the gasoline and fire for weeks until the day Jasper shatter. The day when he broke and the Phoenix had tried to flee. With no where to go, and unwilling to let Jasper die, the Phoenix had crafted the new form. 

      The Phoenix flicked it’s tail around Scott’s neck, almost an apology for being unable to craft the from Scott had fallen in love with. The scene changed, Sinister’s fury at his failure to host the Phoenix, the beating he gaze Jasper and the torture, then moving him to become the stress relief for the whole compound.

      It seem that in Phoenix’s quest to show Scott the truth, he had also proven to Jasper that Scott was indeed really here, that he was the real one and not a fake and Jasper had started to shut down. The scene in front of Scott grew hazy and black as Jasper did what he could to stop Scott seeing how weak and broken he was, how filthy and used he was, how he would rather die than have Scott witness how truly disgusting he was now. 

      The scenes ended and the Phoenix drew back, returning Scott to reality and returning to his position circled around Jasper’s struggling mind

        “Stop it, Jasper. ” Scott commanded through his clenched teeth, voice barely above a whisper. It wasn't anger that escaped him; only irritation at not understand why Jasper tried to escape his touch. Slender, pale fingers gripped the other mans hand firmly, refusing to let him go. Not yet, he isn't ready to let go just yet. He could feel the fear emanating from the other, not like he used to, he could only sense it. It will be a long, long time before he would be able to feel him again. Their mental connection already broken, ripped apart, everything that was Jasper vacant from his mind, like a black hole had opened when the other died all those years ago and left nothing but sorrow and emptiness in its wake. Today, he still feels that longing, that yearning, to find the missing piece to his mind so Scott can be complete again. He found him, but even Jasper was so broken, it seems impossible that they will ever again be able to piece themselves back together.

   “ Jaspe--AGHH!! ”

        Something was scorching  him inside his mind. It was so sudden, like a force prying inside his head through his eyes and grabbing a hold of his damaged mind. Like a flash, the pain was instantly gone, like it had never existed in the first place. All that was left was a dazed man, huffing and puffing, wondering what in the hell just happened --and how he went from holding Jasper's hand to being in an entirely different area. Wait a second, realization washed over him, his blood running cold, Jasper. Walking, just several feet away, clear as day --walking around and alive. Not only that, he seemed...h a p p y. His fingers twitched, still wondering where the hand they had been holding vanished off to. He couldn't even think of that right now, all he could do was stare in wonderment at long, fiery red hair, emerald eyes...his beloved, just as he'd seen him last. Not this stranger who he was talking to just seconds ago.

        Confusion washed over him, then dread, because what good could come out of this? When does anything good ever happen to them? A flash of red appeared next to him, causing the ex-mutant to jerk away in surprise. At the site of the beautiful, tormenting, red bird called the Phoenix, everything suddenly made sense. Not even seconds later did a horrendous scene unfold before him, forced to stand back and watch while his lover was beaten and dragged away. Jasper, I'm sorry. He thought, remorse filling him. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. He quickly stomped away those thoughts, he couldn't have done anything, even if he wanted to. Scott was miles and miles away at this time, probably not even awake. He can feel sorry, but he doesn't need to be. Not when there was nothing he could do, even now, all of this has already happened; he's just witnessing it for the first time.

        All these months, while he waited in bed, Jasper was here being --tortured. The scenes that unfolded before him filled his mouth with bile, almost keeling over and vomiting right there on the spot. His stomach churned and his head started to pound. He was so angry, when he gets Jasper safe, Sinister is going to pay. Not once could he bring himself to turn away, the feelings of wrath, jealousy, and remorse lingered heavy against his shoulders, making it harder to keep standing. This isn't the first time he's watched the love of his life die, it's not the first time he was unable to do anything to prevent it either. “Why...why are you showing me this..?” The question came out weaker than he had hoped, almost begging the cosmic energy residing on his shoulder to not actually answer all his nightmares. Scott knows why he's watching this. Why he's standing here, watching his childhood soul mate being raped, mutilated, and tortured night after night.

           --you asked why he was afraid of you.

                                  Here's your answer.

        It seemed that both of their questions have been answered by this display. I'm real, and I'm here to save you. The images faded away, and he couldn't be more thankful for the fact. He blinked a few times, standing tall, carrying a stoic expression. So confused, broken and disgusted that he didn't even know what to do with himself. “Hnk!” Again, the pain was sudden and gone before he realized what was happening. When he opened his eyes, he found himself sitting beside his lover, once upon a time, once more. He stared at him at a complete loss for words, lips open, hoping that he could just say anything that would help them. But, words like that don't exist. I love you felt too dangerous, too real. He wasn't ready to gamble with fate, not yet. Instead, he managed to pull himself and Jasper up, supporting the mans weight be wrapping an arm around his own shoulder. 

                                                                               “ We're leaving. ”

Actions speak louder | rvnin

“An order?” he replied, quietly.

This is Logan in the light: A destructive warrior without peer. An igneous lover that gives with no reservation. An unconquerable survivor who, deep down, is tired. He is exhausted; physically, mentally. A mutant to whom time means nothing, to whom years spiral endlessly like the minutes and hours of an old analog clock ticking away on it’s own with a lonely chime keeping him company; reminder of how old he truly is and that the only true, real count are the scars that burrow deep underneath his flesh. That boil the marrow of his bones and send ghostly shivers to the pit of his stomach. Yet far into the spectrum of his life he feels like none of these things anymore, he feels distant most of the time. Detached, absent, away. Where the far infrared would sometimes burst in colours of memories the images and recollections have turned to ashes and only the faint tints remain. Painting a dead rainbow that veils him so ungracefully that sometimes, just sometimes, it shows through. But even further beyond that, he feels like a simple man with very man-like attributes. Yet, the other X-Men see him as something more, a symbol of perseverance and audacity. The X-Man with no fear, and what should he be afraid of? Although— 

Fear lives inside him, and he lives with fear every day.

When Logan lays alone at night, when he hangs in the dark and the dark surrounds him, swallows him, he will paint his fear in the shapes and colours of dragons drawn from reminiscence. In the Japan of old, his foggy memories tell him, that dragons existed at one point and that these beasts of legend were powerful, the most powerful creatures that roamed this earth and blasted through the skies. His fear exist in his furnace heart just like dragons existed on this earth. But these majestic beasts, the noble and strong creatures of folklore and mythology are not quite, not exactly like the ones that live in him for a different kind of dragon soars the blood-soaked skies of his afflicted heart.  A cold kind. A dead kind. Scorching, tearing down the flaming dikes that are built around it, to not let them out — but not let anyone in either.

During the blind of the day, he’s unconscious of their existence. But when the sun gives way to his sky sister and she arrives with a gelid hiemal, the fireball enclosing his heart begins to freeze over. Eventually the ice cracks, slowly. Cracks enough for the dragons to crawl out and through the gap in his heart, to coil at the pit of his skull and hiss like venomous serpents; chewing away his brain, his sanity and dreams. The dragons scream, scream and shriek enough to wake him up and their screams whisper one thing: everyone you love dies. you kill them. all of them. 

And they’re right. And that’s when he takes a self-inflicting-greased slope down a river of suffering. He finds himself engulfed, enveloped by it’s torturous waters that smolder his flesh, sizzle the ligaments that keep his body together and grind shards of glass from within his joints. He drowns and drowns until he reaches a blazing lake, one not unlike Alkali Lake. The one Jean had said her goodbyes.

In one impossible moment, Jean ceased to be the woman he loved. The woman who enthralled him, who tended his temporary wounds, who fought with him, whose red hair shone brighter than the sun and blinded away his wretched dragons. She became.. an object. Remains of what once was. Not a person anymore. She didn’t fade, she just died, she was just g o n e. Now, the only person who is Jean is the image he carries within his heart. And when he dares to look at that image, there’s nothing to see but pain. Pain that’s imprinted onto his heart and through his bloody tubes that wreak magma. How can you be gone? He moans, silently somewhere deep within himself, How can you do this? Logan exists, but he truly exists beyond everything. Inside his own bubble of solitude, inside the dark where he hangs. Outside of time and space. And inside that dark, Jean’s corpse floats on a flaming lake of torment, far deeper and far more painful that anything could ever happen to him.

Logan has become a nexus, reintegrating the things that are and the things that were. Radiating agony through the web of his neurons. His agony is black. And the black eats his heart and mind every day.

This is Logan in the black.  And the man who stands before him a reminder of what he has lost. Of what he’ll keep losing.

        Logan, the only man, living creature, in this world that reminded the mutant leader what pure, unadulterated  A N G E R  felt like. He wouldn't go as far to say that he hated the Wolverine, but the name certainly left a bitter taste against the back of his tongue. Like a vile taste, unable to swallow it away, a taste that just lingers. Scott looks at him and instantly the cold feeling of loneliness, the same bitter cold he's felt since --her, washes over him and before he realizes it, the feeling of despair and loss is once again heavy on his shoulders, dragging him down. A depression. He was a symbol of the X-Men, a force not to be messed with, an animal of a man who acted like a savage on his good days, and he was the lone reminder of the love Scott and him once shared. And because of that, he wanted to hate him. With everything that he was, and is, he wanted to hate Logan. Hate who he is, how he is, and who he loved.

        But, he's too tired to hate him, let alone anyone. The rancid aftertaste of Logan's name was enough, its all that beast deserved. Forever and a day is how long they will spend knowing what they shared, and never, will they be able to see eye to eye. Scott resented him, his hard muscles all the girls swooned over, his rebellious lone-wolf attitude that everyone seemed to fall for, and not to mention his sob story. News flash, tough guy, he's not the only one suffering memory loss, and he's not the only one to ever lose a loved one before his very eyes. Never would he say any of this to him, it was petty, but inside him, deep down, he felt a satisfaction when he could personally call out Logan's bullshit. Only that only goes so far before he's left irritated and bitter, alone, where the feelings of emptiness echo in his vacant mind. A black hole, already gone, just leaving a broken man to wallow in himself; in his own self loathing. Loathing, himself before he showed up, and Scott would find himself turning dark thoughts towards an animal, calling him a man would imply he had a modicum of human decency.

        They shared love and loss, but only he knew what the love part felt like. The man always acted like he was the one who lost the love of his life that day, like he was the one who suffered the torment of feeling his soul mate being ripped out of his mind. Scott hated that. He felt Jean Grey die, all Logan did was watch. Logan, who can't lose what he never had. That's what this leader, standing before him with his stoic expression and locked up emotions, reminded him of. Jean never chose Logan, and in the end, 'Scott' was the last named she whispered, that's the memory he'll forever be forced to live with, to remember every time Scott-fucking-Summers stepped into the same room. He wondered what it felt like to have the "love of his life" pick a boy like him over the great Wolverine.

        The only indication that Logan's words irked him was the small tension in his shoulders and the corner of his lip twitching. He managed to keep his expression and emotions under control, feeling increasingly annoyed with every word that left those hairy lips before him. Scott turned to completely face the mutant, arms crossing tightly over his leather clad chest, already prepared to leave. Already they're doing this, at the brink of arguing, but neither of them willing to break control and throw the first fist. It's been a while since blood has been shed between them, he believes they call that progress. Scott leaned a little towards him, as if getting ready to tell him some sort of secret that no one else should be allowed to hear. Just wanting to get Logan into a suit so they can get this mission over with, Scott licked his lips and spoke in an even tone that he struggled to maintain.

     “ You can cut the tough guy act. ”

          “ There's no one left to impress. ”

"I can’t point fingers if I don’t know who to point them at.”

   “ Good. Then you get the point. ”

"Thanks man. Who’s your designer?"

   “ Custom made? ”

   “ I have...3, more or less. ”

       “ Depends, are any of your kids grave           robbers or  will they  mind having all           their  deepest  thoughts  overheard? ”

"You look like Scott, you have the same glasses as Scott, and the same disapproving scowl. And yet, you’re not Scott?”

   “ You sound like Bobby, but you're older        than Bobby, yet you still act like Bobby. ”

                              he’s broken, but you love him anyway                               not  because   you   want   to  fix  him,                               but  because,  he’s the only one  who                               knows you’re just  as broken as  him.

NiveusXPhoenix | I’ll meet you by the ashes

      Jasper didn’t even notice. Other than the burning sensation in his lower half, the agony on every section of his body, he didn’t notice. Not Scott, not the stories the guard was recounting, not the screaming or the dying sounds of the guard. Just pain, and the heat as the Phoenix did the only physical thing it could do in here and stop Jasper from dying of hypothermia or starvation. It would be the pain that would soon drive him to insanity. Form habit, Jasper was able to lose himself in the sensation, at least until the pipe was ripped out of him, then the tension was gone and Jasper found himself crashing to the ground faster than he realised. 

      He hit the cement with a thud, groaning quietly as broken bones shifted and his empty stomach rolled but other than that, he didn’t move. Maybe they wanted to take him on the floor now, he could only vaguely hope they weren’t cruel with the collar but it was a thought of of habit rather than actual hope.

                  There was no hope.

      Then a voice. A voice like honey that trickled over raw ears and a pounding mind and the Phoenix hissed, restrained by the barriers in the cell and it’s desire to protect Jasper. But Jasper, oh he knew that voice, he knew that voice better than he knew anything in the world and finally something that drew a response from the mutant. Cracking open an eye, he had to stare for a long moment before any part of Scott swam into focus, pale iris’ flickering where once bright green had stood proud. 

      “…—-‘cott?” 

      No, no it wasn’t him. It wasn’t, it was another trick wasn’t it? It always was, how many times had he sagged in those arms only for the vision to fall away and he’d find himself crashing over a ledge or in the arms of Sinister? It would be the same and he would not fall for it, he wouldn’t.

      Jasper braced a bruised wrist on the ground below, body shifting and muscles moving despite the fact that he never managed to move anywhere. But the panic was clear, because Scott was the one thing that could break Jasper down. 

      “Y’r… not real… s’not… I-I won’t… won’t….”

        He said his name. Scott. Something inside this broken down leader already knew that this was --that this was him. But hearing this voice he's never heard before rasping out his name, hoarse and low, realization hit him like a brick. Like glass shattering, he fell apart right then and there. He's alive, his thoughts cried, he's alive and he's right  h e r e. Is there anything to rejoice over? He was mutilated, violated, tortured. Where was the good in that? Those emerald eyes, so faded and empty now, not at all like the shining green orbs that once brightened Scott's life, stared up at him and there wasn't an ounce of joy to be found within his heart. So...broken. I couldn't save you. His breath caught, words once again failing the ex-mutant. He didn't know this man, but he feels like he's loved him his entire life. What's even harder to comprehend is...he has.

        Blue eyes stared at the man bellow, shiny from unshed tears and his eyes rimmed red, painting a man who is very, very tried. His hands hovered, reaching, but not quite. Afraid. He didn't want to watch this illusion melt into another nightmare. Funny, isn't this already one? How couldn't this be real? It was so horrible, so completely unbelievably that it just had to be real. He has to be real. This stranger whose name was Jasper, a man that Scott's never laid eyes on before was the person he has been waiting to come back to him since his dreams ended; since he vanished. If only he could sum up the courage to risk it, because even if this is the worst thing he's ever seen, he still can't bear to lost him again. Even if they both suffer, at least they do so together. That's what love is, isn't it? So he lets his hands shake, and he never touches, but he traces his gaze over every bruised muscle, every curve of his figure, counting all the differences. So unbelievable, but somehow, he knows its  r e a l.

        He was terrified. The (E)X-Man looked equally as afraid, startling himself and the being he came here to save, eyes going wide with surprise when he was greeted with fear rather than an embrace. Why? He wanted to grab Jasper and shake him, why are you afraid of me? Scott protested as the space between them increased, small unintelligible sounds leaving his dry lips, scooting closer to him before finally --finally, grabbing his hand in a firm grip. These new fingers were longer, unhealthily thin and bony, trembling as bad as his own. God help him, it felt great. It was right.

   “ Jasper-- Please. ”

            “ I'm not going to hurt you.                It's really me, b-baby... ”

                    “ I'm here to save you. ”

Melina Marchetta, Saving Francesca