danny devito bathing in hand sanitizer in the gang gets quarantined was ahead of its time

Floor soup is on the menu again tonight fellas

*drags my spoon across the floor* i hate this fucking restaurant why do we always eat here

why are u guys weird

oh sorry i'll flood my blog with suspiciously young looking cat girls in sexual poses instead

Jennifer’s Mind

Jennifer’s Personality

oftentimes when you look back on media you enjoyed as a child it's like hello why did they let a 14 year old fight a dragon? but star wars holds up. luke is 19. his reaction to losing his whole family is to say "alright, let's do this. I'm gonna learn to meditate and hire a sexy drug dealer and his friend who's a furry to be my uber across the galaxy so I can blow up a fascist government" that's something only a 19 y/o would do

boss asked me if i knew what a brony was today but he pronounced it like “brownie” then started explaining, but somehow I’M THE WEIRD ONE FOR INTERRUPTING WITH “Oh, you mean BRONYS, yeah, they do want to fuck horses!”

boss today asked me if I knew what a bear was and it took the incredible effort of forcing every bone in my body to solidify into one giant Super Bone and in the process fusing my jaw shut for me to stop myself from saying “uh, yeah dude, you but gay.”

boss texted me today about all the business we’ve been getting and i texted back “haha yup our dance card is getting pretty full!” followed immediately by two minutes of debilitating panic about whether that was an actual saying or just some nonsense I’d made up.

boss came to my office today strictly to tell me he got hamilton tickets and had the nerve to be insulted when i referred to him as “the biggest copycat there ever was.”

boss today texted me the most unorthodox elipsis i’ve ever seen

my boss’s parents and my parents each have vacation homes in the same retirement community, which is widely rumored to be a hotbed of sexual depravity, so sometimes i deliberately antagonize him by implying - very innocently and with plausible deniability - that our parents swing with each other

boss just came into my office to ask me a question, paused and said “what the FUCK are you listening to?” and when i sheepishly admitted it was a remix of the wii shop channel music, he just left.

op what is your occupation

Rascal. 

if shes your girl why is she calling "woohoo boys" off her balcony and leading me into her apartment and letting me sit on her bed and telling me the reason these expensive linens aren't even soft is because sometimes things that are expensive are worse

Take a break.

I’m losing it I just walked in front of a parked car in front of a hotel and I had the right of way but this dude didn’t realize his window was cracked and he mumbled “I’ll run you over” as I think we have all said to ourselves about pedestrians before but I said “cool do it” and he looked mortified

Immediately afterward I walked into a McDonald’s and watched a dude pour himself whiskey I love the city

Like he had a glass for it that’s what I’m focused on. If he just took a swig outta a bottle I wouldn’t have noticed. It’s the fact he went fancy with it

Idk shit about Game of Thrones but

Apparently the shows last season is so bad that the r/freefolk subreddit kinda just

Decided they were done with GoT and just

They just kinda

Chose a better series

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SAME NIKOLAJ, SAME

i’ve had this image for awhile now… i think some of you could make good use of it 

maybe instead of getting mad at me when you come down the stairs to see a bowl of freshly churned butter on the island counter you should get mad at yourself for leaving a bowl of fresh cream out when you’re aware of my passions

You’re A Sunflower

i am a vegetable medley and god is sautéing me on medium high heat 

idk why everyone took me saying this as a bad thing… it translates to “i am becoming delicious” 

Pretty fucked up that you, personally, reading this post don’t give equal attention to every tragedy that happens on the planet every day. I heard that you, personally sometimes only hear about things that news sources in your specific cultural sphere pick up on. That’s pretty fucked up of you, personally.