“What moment in life do you regret?” “I regret things every day actually… I push back the work I should do now to play, and the next day I think, ‘If only I had done it the day before, I would feel relaxed now…’ It’s like how in high school, you regret things in middle school, and then in college, you regret things in high school.”
“인생에서 후회하는 순간은 언제인가요?” “후회는 사실 매일 하고 있어요… 지금 할 일들을 미루고 놀고, 내일은 ‘어제 했으면 지금 편할 걸…’ 하는 거죠. 고등학교때 중학교 후회하고, 대학교 가서는 고등학교 후회하는 것처럼…”
“(Left) In our day, we didn’t date around so there’s nobody that we long for.” “(Right) How about trying to get a lover now?” “(Left) Are you crazy? The old man I’ve got now is pesky enough.”
“(왼쪽) 우리때는 연애도 안 했으니까 그리운 사람도 없어.” “(오른쪽) 애인을 지금 하나 사귀어봐?” “(왼쪽) 미쳤어, 야! 지금 있는 영감도 구찮아 죽겠는데.”
Thisssss !
Do I go to Japan? Do I wait for the job in the Bay Area to come to life? Do I go to the coding boot camp? I honestly don’t know anymore. I just don’t want to be in LA.
I write to her, but she doesn’t write back anymore. It’s disheartening, but not unfamiliar anymore. It’s tough trying to let yourself feel when you’ve trained yourself to be indifferent for so long.
I’m sipping on a tall boy and it feels like home. I’m not an alcoholic, despite the impression I may have given to others -- I don’t even drink very often, but god damn does it hit the spot when I do.
I’m working on myself. Kind of. I haven’t shaved in a month, which means I’m not taking care of myself, so that might be telling of the time I’ve been having.
Oh well. New year, new me, right? Maybe. Maybe go fuck yourself.
“Before starting my military service, a guy I knew offered to introduce me to a girl, so I wrote her a letter. We tried being pen pals, and it went pretty well, so I wrote a letter asking if she’d ever consider going on a date with me. But she just wrote back, “Let’s see.” We wrote letters back and forth like that for four years. She lived really far out in the country, and I’d send her things like books and fashion magazines from Seoul every month. She told me that all the other girls in her neighborhood were jealous.” “When did you first meet in person?” “When I was 25 years old, I went out to meet her in person for the first time. At that time, the countryside was a bit conservative. I knew that people would wonder why a single man from a different area was coming there to meet an unmarried woman. I was feeling uneasy and nervous. With that, I went to her parents and said ‘I really like her.’ And that’s how I met my wife.”
“군대 가기 전에 아는 형이 어떤 여자를 소개시켜주길래, 편지를 해봤어요. 펜팔을하다보니 꽤 괜찮길래 내가 나랑 한번 사귀어 보지 않겠냐고 편지에 썼어요. 그러니까 ‘조금 봐서요’ 하더라고요. 그렇게 4년을 편지를 한 거예요. 그 사람은 깡시골에 살았는데, 내가 서울에서 매달 책이랑 패션 잡지 같은 것을 보내줬더니, 동네 아가씨들이 부럽다고 했다더라고.” “그럼 언제 처음 만나셨어요?” “내 스물 다섯살 때, 처음 그 사람을 만나러 갔지. 그 당시에 시골은 좀 보수적이었거든요. 다른 동네 웬 총각이 처녀를 만나러 여기까지 온다하면 좀 그랬어요. 이래 저래 떨리더라고요. 그렇게 그 사람 부모님한테 가서 ‘제가 이 사람을 좋아합니다’ 말을 했죠. 그렇게 제 아내를 만났어요.”
I guess I’m another year older today. I have the day off and thought about going to a museum and the aquarium, but I just... didn’t feel like it. I never feel like it when I’m alone. It’s a terrible feeling.
You’re a good person. You would never treat anyone the way you treat yourself, so stop the abuse. You’re scared, but you’ll figure things out. No rush, really. People care for you and you should let them. Don’t push them away anymore, okay?
It’s been ~7 weeks of being back in the states, but it feels like an eternity. I want to curl into a ball, get cuddled, and be told everything will be ok. Instead, I go to work (part-time) at a job that underpays me and most of the employees while being asked to do tasks and take on projects that are above my pay-grade and are mostly irrelevant to the bigger problems we face.
I miss many things about Korea. I messed up some things too. I ignored you for a week or two and you ask if I was okay? I don’t need you to watch out for me. I just want to know what the hell is going on. I put forth a lot of effort to try and make it work, but I got nothing back. It just wasn’t worth it. I come across as a dick more than I’d like and I’m realizing more and more that I need to filter what I say until I’m really comfortable with someone that understands my sense of humor.
I went out with a coworker last night and I like her, I think. It’s not the same though.
Move and make bank? Stay and make peanuts while taking the bootcamp? Stay and get a better job with less flexibility, but better pay while taking the bootcamp? Stay and get a better job, no bootcamp? Travel for a year?
I’ve talked about all of these things before in person, but it’s never enough. I can’t fully vent my frustrations about any of these things and it drives me insane.
I’ve got reverse culture shock.
Kind of going crazy back in The States and it’s only been two days. I asked Charlie to hook me up with a warehouse job and he said he could get me something, “but don’t you have a degree?” If it works out, it should just be a temporary thing until I can start a coding bootcamp.
I wasn’t sure what I was doing with you the last few weeks in Korea. If it was something for my comfort or what, but I miss you a lot more than I expected I would. AP told me to stay in Korea if I thought she was worth it and I’m starting to question if I should’ve. Finding someone that gets you that much is tough. It’d be a no brainer if I were younger, but life’s going by quick and I need to sort my shit. It’s unfortunate. She’s going to be there for another 10-15 months at least. Also, she’s way too fucking young, right?
Home is like a warzone with regards to the mess/ongoing renovations.
I’ve got a big itch to build a computer.
I’m already lazy and anxious about leaving the house. The weather’s nice though.
Korea, I love you sometimes, but I hate you.
Southern California, I love you sometimes, but I hate you.
“I did my mandatory military service near Sokcho*, and one time my father came to visit me by himself. He happened to have a business trip in the area, so he stopped by. During his visit, we talked about this and that over some beers. Before that day, I’d never had a drink with my father. It was hard for me to even picture drinking together. To be honest, we didn’t talk about anything special, but I felt like he was talking with me like one adult to another.” *Sokcho is a city close to the border with North Korea in Gangwon province.
“제가 군복무를 속초 쪽에서 했는데, 한 번은 아버지 혼자 면회를 오신 적이 있어요. 마침 그 쪽으로 출장 오실 일이 있어서 그때 온 김에 면회를 오셨던 거죠. 그 날 면회 중간에 아빠와 맥주를 한 잔 하면서 이런 저런 얘길 했는데, 그 날 이전에는 아버지랑 술을 마셔본 적이 없었어요. 같이 술을 마신다는 거 자체가 저에게는 상상하기 어려운 그림이었거든요. 사실 별 얘기 한 건 없어요. 근데도 그냥 저를 어른 대 어른으로 대우해주신다는 게 느껴지더라고요. “
this guy is the minister of multiculturalism in canada haha
I’m moving back home September 4th. Korea’s got good, Korea’s got bad.
It’s not even big things. It’s a lot of little racist things or scummy cultural things that constantly reappear and take their tolls on me.
Not necessarily racist, but shitty: After 5 minutes in a cab earlier today, it became very obvious he had no intention of taking me to my destination in a timely manner. He didn’t hop on the highway and assumed I had no idea where I was going. I had to be somewhere within a certain time frame, so I took the goddamn taxi. I had no choice to stay in the car because he took middle of nowhere routes I’d never be able to get off. I ended up just taking a $13 cab ride ($12 normally) to a destination still 10 minutes out from where I wanted and took the subway home because it was too late. The subway would’ve been like $2 and 0-5 minutes late. Fuck cabs around the world, man
Absolutely ruined my day and probably my week.
Nevermind the standardized test cheating I witnessed. I expect it, but seeing it is just fucking disgusting. That’s just how it is though. The proctor leaves the classrooms and turns a blind eye to let the Korean teachers do their magic.
I thought I changed in another regard, but I’m still a manipulative asshole sometimes too. It scares me.
“There’s a strange culture in medicine. People are less friendly to each other than I imagined. I got an MD and a PhD in Neuroscience. I’m finishing my residency right now. I guess I thought that everyone would be compassionate, and would help each other, and would be nice to each other. And don’t get me wrong—I work with a lot of compassionate people. But the stress just erodes people. There’s a lot of tension and anger. We’re taught that 80 hours per week is normal and shouldn’t be questioned. But at the same time, a huge amount of work that medical interns do is administrative. It could be outsourced without affecting the quality of education or care. And the culture does real harm. I’ve had two friends commit suicide. One of them was studying anesthesiology at Yale and overdosed in a parking lot. The other jumped off the dorm building at NYU. There’s got to be a better way. I don’t know, maybe I’m just saying this because I’m stressed. I’m heading to the ER now. I’m almost at the end of my residency. I can see the end of the tunnel. But the tunnel is very damaging.”
He’s so proud of himself. (via biticonjustine)
I can’t sleep. It’s frustrating not knowing if I did something wrong or what. You might as well be a stranger that I can’t ask anyway so I can save some face in case I did royally fuck up or something. Whatever.
I don’t like going out to clubs. I hated clubs and dancing in the States. I have to do it here if I want to go out. My cab ride was $23 last Saturday because I didn’t crash at that place. Disgusting.
I’m gonna get a tapered undercut on Saturday I think. Inha is supposed to come along. I think her life-maturity levels are severely underdeveloped because I had to explain to her what a real friendship and connection constitute and why I crave it out here. I’m really struggling in Korea because I meet random people, can have a conversation and try to be interested, but unless they give me more -- something personal or show some vulnerability eventually, I’m uninterested and then both of us are uninterested.
The few I’ve felt comfortable with have all washed out and it’s a bummer. It makes me want to go home because I feel damn lonely out here and I can’t describe it well enough.
My choices on Saturdays are to stay in and know everyone else is out having fun or to go out with the Canadian dude who just wants to go to clubs to pick up gals (I’m a big hit when I’m drunk apparently, and a swell dancer with no fear). I just want friends to shoot the shit with and watch TV with a beer.
I miss quietly relaxing and not worrying about what everyone else is doing. How do I stop worrying about what everyone else is doing again? I’m 26 for goodness sake.
For now I sleep on my living room couch because I’m tired of waking up in cold sweats 3x a night due to stress, heat, and various bouts of insomnia.
Home sounds real good about now, but would things be much different there?
