confused calvinist, 6 months after conversion: so when will my plush tiger start talking

Sometimes, when I’m getting really frustrated with my religious history studies, I think about this post.

the mortifying ordeal of knowing a bleachers song is about lena dunham

LMAOOOOOOOOO

no but seriously one time i ordered something from adam & eve (surprise a big ol dildo) and the order said discreet shipping and i was like cool ya know cause i lived with three dudes in an apartment and also had to go to the apartment office to pick up my package so discreet is dope and i got the package delivery notification like sick im about to dick myself so i walked my happy horny ass down to the office and told the lady my name and she went into the package delivery room to grab it and it took her a minute and she came out with a dick shaped bag just grasping the shaft of it and i looked at it mortified and had to grab the balls part of the package from the woman and she let go and it just wiggled and i could feel the squish through the bag and it was just horrible

If it’s any consolation, I get it. I’m a trans guy who wears a packer. One day I was in the restroom and pulled my pants down. I really had to go so I did it fast and the magnet clip came undone and my dick flopped out of my boxers and bounced into the stall next to me.

The OCCUPIED stall next to me.

I wanted to die. There was this horrible forever silence moments. Then the dude just goes, “Uh, you dropped your dick man,” and nudges it over with his foot.

“You dropped your dick man”

Donald Trump gets attacked by an eagle.

This eagle truly represents America. What a majestic symbol.

It’s only fitting that this gets reblogged today

This is the only eagle that deserves reblogging on the 4th

call-out post: my wife

somehow played 200 hours of Donkey Kong 64 and only finished 26% of it

I will dress like a gay classics professor from the 1920s or I will die trying

reblog if you’d like one of these in your inbox

- ask me things you want to know about me

- why you follow me

- what’s on your mind/what you’re thinking about

- a compliment

- make me choose between two things

- ask for advice

- tell me a secret

- things you associate me with

- anything!!!!

Update:

Mary Oliver, “Don’t Hesitate.”

highlight of work was this four year old slamming his little hands on the counter and asking “are you a boy or a girl?” and me reflexively saying “i’m a mystery” and him just nodding and accepting it before asking me for a complimentary lollipop

also shoutout to this kids mom who first looked alarmed that he said that but then was chill when i responded and was like “some people ARE mysteries jacob!” and i’m like. Ma’am. I Love You And Your Small Child. Also I Will Die For You

“Chomsky” but the way shrek says donkey

Tell your kids things

Tell them a certain disease runs in the family

Tell them alcoholism runs in the family and who and why

Tell them mental illness runs in the family and who and what and why

Tell them drug addiction runs in the family

Don’t let your kids grow up blind. Face issues blind. Don’t let them grow up thinking they are the only ones.

My parents told me straight up that my family has a history of mental illness and drug addiction. It’s a big reason I never tried a lot of different drugs growing up.

PARASITE 기생충 (2019) dir. Bong Joon Ho

a couple weeks ago this guy posted in the chicago pagan facebook group saying that he’s a djinn and that there’s a portal between here and egypt and only he and one other person had the power to close it and there was going to be a massive sandstorm… like dude, close the fucking portal, why are you even telling us this