I cry without fail every time I’m in the shower and the water turns colds Im a baby but I’m also.. cold and sad

I miss tumblr a lot I can’t say shit on IG without acquaintances who think I’m a fuckwit expressing their opinion. And I like taking 4+ weeks to reply to messages so. im bak exclusively to rant abt all the problems i created for myself in the 7 years since I last actively used this account. 1st being i fixed some techy domain issues at work, was stress and I was v proud to sort it out without knowing what I was doing, but my boss emailed the dude who fucked it up initially (doesn’t even work here) to thank him for doing his magic and fixing everything. He literally broke it and didn’t reply to my emails asking for help lol but well done mate THANKS A BUNCH! Back to work sending people links to documents they can’t be bothered searching for themselves 👍👍👍👍👍👍

better.. to have loved and lost than never loved at all?? who decided this lie? I dont remember what the good parts felt like, now I just sit in my misery and regret. how was that worth it? 

 so much has happened in the 6 years since I made this blog but in my heart I want the same thing, only in different ways.

6:33pm

On an afternoon approaching autumn The sun still spills through the air like thin syrup Clinging to dark tiles as it crawls back over horizon Leaving sticky glow in these streets These streets I’ve made myself a home here Like twigs, I grab at slivers of memory Building the walls Filling the holes each piece fit for purpose Scavenged from about and around Yes, I’ve made a home, a safety With bits of broken things and branches of memories, I’ve built walls but I look out still to watch the syrup sun slide down the road and back over horizon, twigs in its grip Warmth still lingering in my bones

I’m posting my poetry again deal w it

A feeling I learned very young; My father grinning widely, Beckoning me to his side. He cups his hand by his mouth And I lean in close to hear the delicious secret. I can see it, Crouching underneath his lips, Reading to spill from behind his smile. I press my little ear, I’m ready-- the secret I’m being blessed with A precious gift, responsibility... He parts his lips and Makes a whispering sound, So someone nearby would think We were sharing secret words, Alive and gold from mouth to ear. But there was no secret-- My smile fades, I can’t help But feel a veil of disappointment drift down upon me. I dont get to know, there’s nothing to know at all, No secret to share with me. But it’s a joke, so I laugh And put that feeling deep inside-- That there’s things the secret keepers keep lurking behind their curled lips That I don’t get to hear. I scrunch the disappoint into a ball and hide it under a cushion. There’s nothing to know, it’s just a joke. But there are secrets kept from me... There is knowledge I seek. The keepers grin and joke Without feeling their full mouths, Secret hiding between teeth and gums; Secrets not for everyone. I’m waiting hear, Hand cupped to ear, Hoping for a moment And knowing for a lifetime: Little girls don’t deserve secrets, Just whispers on the wind, a laugh And little girls can’t hope for more... Feelings or truths or secrets Just smile and move on.