Shiggy will be the very best

Caption-

Person: “I came in my room, and this giant stuffed animal was on my bed.”

Person in a fur suit: “Oh hay-”

Person: [[[SCREAMS]]]

Retro, ladies and gentlemen.

@faeriebrat

guy: aries, taurus, virgo, libra, scorpio, sagittarius

person in fur suit: gemini, cancer, leo, capricorn, AQUARIUS, pisces

im so sad about that girl ripping her hair out with the corn drill 

I wonder what cats dream of?

I have never been more riveted by a set of info before GIVE ME MORE

Blocklava (via blocklava)

I’m runnin man challengin everybody 😂😂

I love this 😂👌🏾

Bill Hader on his SNL audition

why is this meme always twice as funny when theft is involved

found this comb at a Jimmy Eat World concert

this made me feel actual joy

oh no this is like.  legitimate pure delight.

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

Wow, I had no idea Satan was so knowledgeable and generous with his time.

#TeamSatan

Can satan come teach a class at my school

Amusingly, among the Western European demon-conjuring cults of the 16th Century, many demons were greatly valued for their skill as teachers, often to the point that grimoires would place greater emphasis on the subjects each demon was qualified to teach than on their supernatural powers.

For example, this guy?

Teaches moral philosophy.

And this creepy dude?

He’s your astronomy professor.

Seriously, look this stuff up some time - it’s wild.

I now want a comic or cartoon series about demon teachers and their human students. Not sure if it should be college or high school.

“Aw, man - I got Professor Lionwheel. I hear if you fail his exams, he eats your legs.”

“Yeah, but he’s supposed to be really good about keeping regular office hours.”

“Huh. Sort of a trade-off, really.”

everything heals with time //shes-breakingdown (via hefuckin)