Gonguzzlehoot

The immortals are getting bold.

One of those is… Weird Al…

Weird Al has barely aged since the 90s, why is anyone surprised he’s immortal

I don’t regret the time I spent on this

MOTHER OF GOD

ARE YOU FUCKIN

OH GOD ITS BACK

DEAR GOD THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE TUMBLR POSTS IN EXISTENCE.

YOU THINK JUST THE NOISE IS FUNNY AND FITS WITH THE GIF REALLY WELL

BUT THEN

THEN

THE LYRICS START

seriously i have almost crashed my car into a telephone pole, becuase I suddenly thought of this post and started laughing uncontrollably

Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. “I killed your friend, here hold him.”

“Friend”

Its more of I killed a potential enemy. Hold his dismembered corpse in victory.

Plants don’t wage war

Ever heard of blackberries?

Yes, plants do wage war

Mint and strawberries, too. They need to be quarantined or they will kill basically everything else. 

I planted mint in the ground 2 years ago.

It’s currently fighting a bitter battle to the death against the raspberries attempting to invade from the east while trying to annex the patio.

Could go either way at this point TBH. Unless, of course, I take a shovel and the blowtorch out there and battle both back to within their original boundaries.

And anyone wondering if a blowtorch is overkill for weeding back mint has never actually planted mint.

This post did not go where I expected it to.

Our garden plot at my childhood home slowly got overrun by wild blackberries after we stopped managing it while my sister and I were in nursing school. And by overrun I mean it was like a 4 foot tall thicket of wild blackberries. It hadn’t been touched by humans in at least 4 years. I started the ultimately futile task of trying to clear this plot with a machete and discovered to my amazement a patch of mint several feet across underneath the canopy of blackberry, still fighting the good fight all those years later.

Ultimately it took two jars of homemade napalm and some creative fire placement to clear that patch but I damn sure saved that patch of mint. It earned the right to be there.

Yall mother fuckers don’t even talk unless you’ve had to wage war on kudzu (it’s an ivy strain directly from Hell) that shit doesn’t just wage war with other plants, it wages war with all living things on planet earth. It’s some gnarly ass Blood for the Blood God, Chlorophyll for the Chlorophyll Throne demon weed. 

Can second the comments of Kudzu.

I forget where I read it but there’s this one tree that creates an extremely flammable substance that’s in both the bark and leaves. Dead trees become torches and crushed up leaves become dust-incendiary, all while the plant’s seeds are Giant Redwood levels of resilient to open flame. IE it has a goddamn scorched earth policy. It’s even more badass than plants that use toxins to starve other plants.

I’d like to third the comments on Kudzu. These are the battlefields:

See those weird pillars? Those were trees. See that strange lump in the middle? That was a house. Everything green you see in this photo is kudzu.

Southern Gothic knows Lovecraft. We have fucking kudzu.

Trees definitely do war. My little sister and I both got tiny fir saplings for arbor day when we were sprouts. We planted them about 8′ apart. 25 years later, mine is a mighty forest giant, at least 50′ tall. Hers is a dead stump because mine stole all the water and sunlight.

ever hear of physalis alkekengi? shit spreads underground through pups. major warfare. pretty as fuck tho

The feline equivalent of a healer facing off solo against a tank. 

@voidbat This is important

some cats are ten thousand percent not fucking around.

Omg

my brother is sitting in the chair in my room studying a practice test thing for his final test before he becomes a fully certified EMT tomorrow and he’s mumbling some of the questions out loud and he just went “a child has fallen from a monkey at school…” and he just got dead quiet and stared at the wall for like a solid minute with the most stricken look on his face before he whispered “there’s no protocol for monkeys”

bro

bro it means monkey bars 

now he’s googling “child falls from monkey” and apparently the only thing that pops up is Fall Out Boy’s “Thnks Fr th Mmrs”

 I M  L AHUGNI N G SO H ARD  HE WENT INTO THE KITCHEN LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO AND STARTED A CONVERSATION WITH MY MOM AND I HEARD HIM JUST STOP MID SENTENCE AND THEN SHOUT “FUCKING MONKEY BARS” 

this was a post meant for like 6 people who actually know my brother and now this is the only image he has on this site he’s the “monkey protocol” guy for almost 100,000 people I give up

Sick ass adventure wizard investigates native crustacean with his supportive but easily spooked familiar 

this is the single greatest meme i have seen from any of my facebook groups and frankly y’all need to step up your game

How to make Dead Chicken With Old Milk. (via jackapollo)

This actually looks good. How do we turn it into actual food.

im going into shock

What is this??

matching icons for you and your friends

The Adventures Of Business Cat

#i like these cause it implies that depsite all these weird things he does hes so good at buisness #that they let it slide

Classics

I think somebody wants attention

“I could claw this hapless human to death… but she’s so cute… and I love her…”

*very gently threatens*

^^^^^ V E R Y  G E N T L Y  T H R E A T E N S

@simonalkenmayer

found batman forever on my front lawn

there are some dvds in the ditch at the end of my front lawn

could these be the missing batman films?

no, it’s superman 3 and 4

theyre both superman 3 and 4

the plot thickens

?

???

????????

This one goes out to all my mutuals who are awake and liking my posts at 5 am in the morning on Tuesday march 21st, 2017