Being somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum really, really sucks when you mask well. The empathy and understanding stops really short.

And when all you want to do is cry but you physically can’t.

Categorizing my thoughts

Instead of getting a therapist, I just use twitter/snapchat/tumblr to categorize my thoughts because if I don’t broadcast my feelings I don’t feel better. Which is a lot to unpack anyway. I have a weird anxiety thing for compulsively sharing my feelings and won’t feel better until I do, which is that more related to OCD or is it related to being neurodivergent and being a natural open book that keeping things in makes me feel bad? 

Today is another day of me going around in circles, desperately trying to analyze a social gathering I had early in the day. I feel like I was over talking, because I was anxious and that tends to take away my ability to actively be aware of how I am acting. I know this, and I know I talked a lot, but I can’t analyze the amount other people talked or anything. Like I am good with overt body language and facial expressions, had to learn to survive. But the subtleties, especially when it comes to my own behavior, are hard. When I am able to put my mental energy towards my behavior and the social situation, I can follow the order better and know when I’m talking too much. But like, today I was stressed and anxious studying for my board exam with my friends that I don’t have memory of purposeful behavior. Nothing got filtered. And it scares me so much because I was burned so many times before I was aware of what I was doing and I just remember so many weird looks or blank stares and lost friendships (these were mainly over impulsive speaking and not learning to breathe through my bad feelings that weren't actually at the person but that is a whole other post.)

Basically, I let this bad feeling circulate through my head for over an hour. It became unbearable and I had to talk about it and simultaneously get clarification from my friends. 

I just am so damn self aware of everything and my anxiety is so heightened from the past two years that I don’t get a break. I just wish I could be myself without having to put active thought toward every encounter. 

Neurodivergence In Medicine

Neurodivergence in medicine. AKA such a complicated and convoluted position to be in. 

Medicine is a job you have to be perfect, or damn close. There are stories of people losing their jobs over mental health issues. There is a whole show about an autistic man who is a brilliant surgeon but is treated as a burden. Instead of assisting a brilliant mind with a social aspects of medicine, they push and push him (this is coming from someone who really appreciates the show too). Which, is fine! Neurodivergence doesn’t mean incapable of growth! But, there are some things that can’t be changed just by pushing. Some things that no matter how much therapy, how much assistance, just won’t click. In that show’s case, Shaun is able to practice medicine. He can do his job. He just cant do the social part. His colleagues are honestly better than most, which isnt saying much. Either way, he is allowed to practice medicine even if people put a bunch of roadblocks in his way.

For me, I actually DO love the social part. I love talking with patients. It feels like the ultimate masking. I’m not myself, theres pretty specific things to say, like a script that is expected of me. I have (probably) too much empathy, and this job feels right for me. But me trying to interact with my colleagues? I cannot, because that is an actual *social* thing where I am myself. Especially when the social anxiety stacks on top of it. 

Right now, I am a student. I’m in my clinicals. I have so many layers of anxiety - new people anxiety, being actively judged because its their job anxiety, anxiety over feeling stupid, ect ect. I don’t know how much I am allowed to joke, I don’t know whats appropriate (even when it’s with intern residents who are very close to me in age). Hospital and medicine hierarchy and social etiquette are already so incredibly nuanced to someone who actually knows how to interact with fellow humans. 

This current rotation has been an absolute nightmare. I don’t think anyone in my life truly grasps how much hell this has been. I keep making (non medical!!) mistakes and its digging me further and further into a pit of sadness and anxiety. I don’t know the hospital medicine rules, I don’t know social norms of inpatient medicine with residents, I can’t do patient presentations on the fly because language through my mouth isnt easy, I can’t come up with plans on the spot for patients because I have to write everything down to form coherent thoughts. I freeze when I get asked questions, and often my brain shoots out an answer or a word without me truly comprehending it (thanks sensory processing) and getting a chance to think. I know that I know the medicine. I feel at home with patient care and this job. 

I am getting more and more paralyzed by fear and failing and my own shortcomings. I am just feeling so alone in this and am so deep in a pit of despair. The feelings are so complex, the anxiety is suffocating. I have not felt so much self hatred in so long. I just had to write it out to feel less alone.