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Barking mad - a dog placement at Royvon

The last two weeks have been hard work physically - but I have enjoyed them both immensely! I started at my dog placement at Royvon Dog Boarding and Training Surrey, excited to get to play with some dogs and keen to get stuck in with the work. Having previously spent time at an RSPCA rescue centre and another independent centre, I was interested to see how different it would be working with dogs that were only temporarily away from their home and their family. Not, of course, that dogs without homes should be treated any differently from those with homes, but dogs arriving into rescues have an indefinite stay - some can be there for a couple of weeks, others months or even years! At Royvon, the dogs were coming for a holiday and would be returning home - not that it's possible to explain to dogs that their families would come back for them and that they wouldn't be stuck in kennels forever! It was really interesting getting to know the different personalities of the doggie guests during my time - and great to see some of the dogs really come out of themselves and gain confidence throughout their stay! Kennels can be a really stressful environment, especially for nervous dogs, but getting time out to play in groups and plenty of cuddles helped even the most wary of dogs feel more comfortable. When I first met Dixie on my first day, an absolutely beautiful golden retriever, she was pretty worried about her new environment but her worried look soon became a gorgeous goldie grin! I became quite attached to Burnsie the Bull Terrier, he was such a big personality and a lovely friendly boy. Taking him for his weight checks were fun, he could be a stubborn boy as he loved having cuddles from all the people around the reception area that getting him back to his bed took a bit of time! You certainly can't make a Bull Terrier do something they don't want, as Burnsie would lie down and give me a look to say "I'm quite alright staying here, thank you very much!" He was a good boy though, and we would always make it back to his kennel for cuddles...eventually! Big boy Enzo and his booming bark made him a little intimidating to approach in his kennel, but I was soon comfortable giving him his dinner and even had a gentle scratch when he was out and about! Aussie cattle dog Max, little Bobby the beagle, and Libby and Bentley the Labradors were all a little cautious when I first met them - but after taking the labs for their weight check they were more than happy to bounce all over me! Max also became confident enough to say hello through the bars which was lovely to watch, and playing with Bobby and her beagle friends in the field let me see a much happier side! The mix of breeds I got to meet was quite fantastic - from tiny Ted the Chihuahua right up to gentle giant Aslan the Leonberger, from snuffly Frenchies Daisy and Max to Nanook the wolf-lookalike Malamute. I was quite pleased with myself when I got Munsterlander Dave's breed right when I first saw him, despite never having seen one in real life! I certainly had a soft spot for the little French Bulldogs - although I'm not keen on brachy breeds, they were so full of character and Max could certainly run around like the best of them! I did get into a slight muddle with the three yellow labs, Bailey, Ruby and Poppy when I was bringing them back in from their play, but soon had them back in their own beds! My penultimate day was the busiest - feeding first thing, cleaning two of the kennel blocks, then making up lunches and dinners - there was a lot of work, but I was really please to be able to help! After a busy day, I then got to have fun on my last day, starting with bathing some of the dogs going home and then playing with the dogs during their activity sessions! The crazy but completely lovable spaniels Freddie and Bertie could never fail to put a smile on someone's face and being able to watch all the dogs playing was brilliant! A dog may use their entire repertoire of behaviour during play, from mock aggressive displays and mounting to play bows and calming signals so it was fantastic to get a chance just to sit and watch the dogs at play. This last week, after two days break, I started at the Llama Farm in Ashdown Forest (it's open to the public and I definitely recommend a visit or booking a llama walk!). I'm enjoying a couple of days break before I start back at the farm on Tuesday. I've already started missing the animals, but as I had a horse riding lesson yesterday, I at least had a few hours with the horses and ponies! I'll write about my llama placement when I finish on Friday, but I know I will be sad to leave already! Riding has been going pretty well, and I am finally beginning to feel more comfortable and confident in canter. After today's lesson, Robbie the lovely cob has made me feel really happy in canter again, and I have fallen a little bit* in love with him. Working and riding in the heat is beginning to take a toll on my skin though, as I am starting to resemble Rudolph! Ah well, at least I'll fit in with the reindeer at the farm! *completely and utterly... A quick update on my last blog: I missed out fear! Obviously scary situations are going to make me feel anxious, so I am likely to show similar signs. However, when I am really scared I also have a tendency to hiss, in a catlike manner. I also cower if I fear that I might be hit or have something thrown at me - even though this rarely happens...)! And real terror, I have quite a high pitched "eee" sound, which can be quite short in a shock scare - like walking through a doorway and into someone who I hadn't seen - or may last longer if, say, I feel a tickle on my arm and think it is Flash's whiskers only to look down and discover a daddy long legs spider climbing on my arm...

A guide to Aspie Vet Behaviour

I am really interested in behaviour - understanding why an animal is behaving how it is, what is the motivation behind a behaviour, how to get an animal to behave how we want, the link between behavioural and physical health... I just find it fascinating, and also think it is a really important part of veterinary medicine - particularly that last bit! So to honour that, I thought I would make a silly guide to understanding my behaviour. I often notice my behaviour, and I am trying to make it something I actively notice more, to try and understand why I am behaving that way. It may sound a bit crazy, but actually, this is an incredibly useful way to find out what emotions or mental states you are going through throughout the day, to understand what makes you happy or excited or anxious or depressed, even. Noticing what you do, and understanding why you do it can help you to take back control of a situation you might feel you've lost it in. Certainly for me, someone who suffers badly with anxiety, it can be really hard to notice when I am really "melting-down" but having started to notice behaviours at lower levels of anxiety, it means I can recognise them and react sooner to the situation in terms of taking control or getting out of it altogether. Some behaviours I don't notice consciously at the time of doing them, either because the emotional state I am in prevents this, or some behaviours have just become background behaviours for me. They all mean something though, and thinking afterwards about what I was thinking or feeling while I was doing them, helps me to recognise when they might happen again in the future. I feel this post follows on quite nicely from a post about the importance of animals in my life, as many of my behaviours seem to have been assimilated from other species. It also seemed like a useful guide for my new housemates for next year, or really for anyone who would like to understand me a bit better, in order to recognise what I'm feeling and what you can do to help. Stimming Going to start with a quick definition for those who haven't heard of this before. Stimming "...is a repetitive body movement that self-stimulates one or more senses in a regulated manner. Stimming is known in psychiatry as a "stereotypy"...". A stereotypy is a type of behaviour we often see in animals - if you've most people who have visited zoos will have seen a big cat pacing back and forth aimlessly around it's enclosure. Stereotypies are behaviours that are persistent and repetitive with no obvious purpose. Stimming behaviours are often a symptom of autistic spectrum disorders and there are many theories about their function (just like with sterotypical behaviours in animals). They could be to provide nervous system arousal leading to a release of beta-endorphins or they may provide a norming effect, allowing the control of a specific sense thus acting as a soothing behaviour. These types of behaviour are completely natural and can improve the regulation of emotion and prevent meltdowns in situations that someone finds stressful. So why am I going all medical dictionary? Although not every person on the spectrum will have these stimming behaviours, I have certainly noticed a few in myself. A lot of people I know will have noticed me pacing, back and forth, like a caged animal, during times of stress. Pacing helps me to let my head clear so I can regain some focus. Depending on just how stressed or anxious I am feeling depends on how fast I pace and how long I pace for. If I am pacing, I am not listening or all that aware of my surroundings. I may answer if I'm spoken to, I will move out of the way if someone is passing by me, but really, there is not much point in trying to talk to me while I'm pacing. I mean, I really appreciate that you are trying to help, I really do, it's just that in the state of mind I am in to be pacing, is not a constructive one for helpful conversation. When I stop pacing, that is the perfect time to come and have a chat, probably not about what is causing the stress, but it can be really helpful to have a distraction from whatever is stressing me. My mindset is still not the best for reflecting on what I'm stressed about, or finding better ways to deal with it, but a distracting conversation is brilliant. I howl. Yes, like a wolf. I don't know why, but it is a great release of all sorts of tension or arousal energy (and here, I'm using arousal as the animal behaviour term - it's not to do with sex, but excitement or stress or anxiety, it's a high energy emotion). If I'm anxious, or frustrated, or excited, or in pain, or nervous, or hell, most my emotions, if they are felt strongly enough, result in howling! Again, it probably depends on just how high energy what I'm feeling is as to how much I howl, the pitch, the duration of each howl. Just like wolves have different howls to communicate different things, my howls vary. So a very happy or excited howl will sound pretty different to a sad or anxious howl. Frustration and pain are different again. If you live with me, you'll probably get to know my different howls (sorry, guys!) and you will probably learn many, many different ways of telling me to shut up! To be fair, I sometimes just howl for the hell of it. I like howling, okay? I am also very good at making a very high pitched squeak, although I don't know how. It's sort of like that irritating mosquito high pitched squeak that was popular for a while with deterring teenagers from robbing newsagents, though not nearly as loud. This is much more limited in it's meaning. I do it when I am feeling anxious or in pain. It also often leads into a howl, so that can be a hint as to why I'm howling! In really, really stressful situations I often rub my hands together a lot, to the point where they go quite red. This means I am really, really stressed out, and really not comfortable in whatever situation I am in. This doesn't have to be a situation you consider to be stressful, as with anyone, I have certain situations that stress me that don't stress others and find situations that some people find incredibly stressful a breeze. It is a perception of threat, even if it is a completely irrational fear, that often makes a situation particularly stressful. Also, talking about certain things that I find difficult, like verbalising how I am feeling make me feel really quite uncomfortable. If I am rubbing my hands, I need a break. I'm not listening (sorry) and any response you get will just be whatever response I think will get me out of the situation quicker. I often fiddle with my hands when I'm nervous, and as any social situation will result in some sort of stress, I am very often rubbing my hands a little. This doesn't mean I need to get out of the situation, but if it gets to a point where I appear not to be focusing on anything other than my hands, and my hand rubbing gets quite feverish, this is the point when I really need time out. Skin picking - this is not just picking at scabs, as I am pretty sure most people end up picking scabs to some extent (eeww, nasty... I know you do too, so shhh). I have certain hot spots that I pick at. It is something that is incredibly difficult to stop, and I'm not 100% sure why I do it. I think it might be something to do with low level anxiety just crossing a threshold, which it is often near. There used to be two patches on my head that were hotspots - it got to the point where I had two slight bald patches on my head. I'm only comfortable mentioning them now, because my attention shifted and the skin has had a chance to heal, and the hair a chance to grow back in. After my ears got slightly sunburnt lambing, they have become the new hotspots for me. I have tried covering them up, extending the amount of time before I allow myself to pick at them. But not a lot seems to be helping. Stopping myself from doing it, results in a lot of tension building up. The more I stop myself, or physically prevent myself (with my own version of a cone of shame...) the more anxious I become. I think in some ways it's kind of like lick granulomas in dogs. These start as a tiny sore spot on the skin, that dogs keep licking at. Dogs seem to have a strong desire or urge to lick at these sores, and causes can be licked to their psychological state, or sometimes due to some build up of tension that causes pain. I lick and bite at myself, or chew certain things when I'm feeling stressed or anxious. I don't know why licking is comforting to me - it just kind of is. This will be focused on my arms or hands. I bite the same places, and this normally happens when the stress of anxiety gets greater. I often don't notice at the time that I am biting myself, until it either hurts or my anxiety levels start to come back down. Biting tends to happen during acute anxious periods, but chewing tends to happen when high anxiety levels are more chronic - like when I haven't been able to remove myself from whatever situation I'm in. I chew at my fingers or pens or pencils. I also often start repeating the same thing a lot when I am experiencing a high energy emotion. When I am excited, or frustrated or anxious. It's often just repeating someone's name over and over - now this most often seems to be limited to my mum, because I don't see many other people(...) and I call her moomin, and I'm sure it drives her bonkers (sorry, moomin). But it can also be a whole phrase - the excitement and just plain elation in reaction to some of the things that I experienced in South Africa quite often brought this on. When I rode up to two rhino bulls in the bush, on horseback, I recall that evening repeating the phrase "I saw the rhino!" very excitedly, again, probably didn't excite the people I was with quite so much! Then, after getting a short trip in a helicopter I kept telling everyone (more than once) how I got to go in a helicopter. I'm sure I can be a real pain at times! Because a lot of the behaviours I have cross over in terms of what I am feeling, it's probably best to take into account the whole picture - as you should with any animal! So I think I might try and group by emotional state, as that seems as good a way as any for this post! Anxious As well as the stimming behaviours mentioned above, how I behave when I'm anxious depends on the reason behind the anxiety. Anxiety is not all the same, as I have learnt, and therefore manifests itself in different ways. I am anxious pretty much all the time, but at a baseline level, I can't really identify behaviours as they are so everyday and constant it would be pretty much impossible to untangle them from what might be considered "normal" or no anxiety. Chronic anxiety might have an identifiable cause or may exist for no real reason that I can fathom. As I mentioned above, I am constantly in a state of anxiety, with fluctuations in its severity, so I have got used to dealing with it and things have to cross a threshold before I really show it. Often it is a build up of lots of things, or stressors. Say, during exam time, my anxiety level will be higher (although baseline anxiety level probably also raises, which means I adapt to coping with a higher level of stress). If, during what is an already anxiety-increasing period, I had a coursework deadline (thankfully, this doesn't happen, but I'm trying to illustrate a point, so bare with). Then I found out that a family member was ill, and had been admitted to hospital. And then that pet's illness that we've been managing for months, seems to start getting worse. And of course, the more things that build up, the harder it is to ignore those silly, nagging voices in my head. So I start worrying more about how I look, about how odd I am, about how I'm going to be alone forever. All those things that NEED doing (which probably don't really, but if they do they could definitely wait). These things that are worries normally suddenly become bigger worries. And all this build up leads to a chronically, highly anxious state. This is when I start to become a irritable, and a bit snappy. I get seemingly suddenly stressed over silly things, because I am trying to do my best to cope and so most people won't realise I'm stressed at all, until things get really bad. The more things pile up, the harder it is to cope with depression too, so when things go wrong they tend to crumble together. During these times, I will usually pace a lot more, and seem to have more energy than usual. I'll definitely be squeaking and howling when I'm on my own, and the squeaking may start sneaking into social situations (as it is the less audible noise...). I find it harder to focus, so I doodle more (and as things start to build up and up, I find it harder to sit still in lectures). At the same time, I can't focus long enough to draw really detailed pieces, so doodles will be small, quick sketches, or random lines and swirls. I get a more worried look for more of the time, although I can still switch it off temporarily to pretend everything is okay. I lick my lips more, and generally just more buzz-y or full of energy that I can't get out. I will probably spend more time chewing on my hands or arms when I think no one is watching, too. This is a point where I could do with talking to someone. Which is really, really hard. But beyond the point of coping, I do tend to crash a bit. And in this point, mentally I'm not going to be able to do anything constructive until I can have a chance for a break to reset my brain. This will be when you start to notice that I don't talk as much, or spend more time alone. Pretty much the same behaviours as above, but less energy, more sadness. And I won't care if people can see me chew my hands or not. Anxiety can also become chronic if I feel trapped in a situation that is making me feel uncomfortable. Say, in a lecture, while the lecturer is talking and suddenly I remember something unpleasant that happened or an intrusive thought. Or, sometimes, for no real reason at all, I just feel extra anxious and suddenly being in a room with more than four people makes me feel like I need to escape. But I can't, because the lecturer is talking, and I'd have to disturb someone to get out anyway. The more time I can't get out of the situation, the more the desire to do so builds up. And so the anxiety keeps building and building. I'll most likely be flicking my attention between the lecture being given and points of exit. I'll most likely be lip licking, and will certainly be fidgeting more than normal. Acute anxiety normally has an easily identifiable cause for me. This is anxiety that comes on quickly for a specific reason or reasons and can result in anxiety or panic like attacks (which normally involves periods of hyperventilation). This isn't so much a build up, but has more of a shock value to it. There are specific triggers and so I can normally avoid them if I want. Not always, because there comes a time when you need to do certain things, or in order to do something you have go through the unpleasant thing first. I don't always react, and how I react depends on my mood at the time. Acute anxiety behaviours are lip licking, looking away, squeaking, opening my mouth like yawning (if you look up Kendal Shepherd's ladder of aggression, you'll realise how animalistic a lot of my behaviours are...) and teeth grinding. In situations with particular associated memories (like certain appointment waiting rooms) I used to even growl a bit, as people moved around. The more anxious I am, the higher I like to be. I don't mean I climb up trees or bookselves or anything (although that would be a cool trick!) but especially when I am moving (such as through a crowd of people) I tend to move on my toes. My movements are a lot more springy, and agile and I tend to dart quite quickly to get out of situations quicker. Gaits tend to be short and choppy (think collected gaits, or piaffe) If there was something I perceived as an actual threat, that I couldn't escape from, I would really rather get on the floor and curl myself into the smallest ball possible, or go flat and try to be invisible (I don't tend to, because some people think this is a bit weird). Perception of threat can also result in me cowering, and certainly at least moving away from said threat. My whole body will appear tense, with my shoulders drawn back. My head will either be held down and forward, or angled upwards, sort of like a head shy horse's response to face contact (if we didn't have large white parts visible to our eyes normally, this kind of head and eye position would result in whale eye... I'd imagine!). My eyes tend to get wide and I will flick from side to side, often with my whole head or even body as well, to keep checking my surroundings. My eye contact also seems to get worse, the more anxious I get. I tend to start following people around a bit more, especially if I've been alone. I most likely won't say much, but I just need to feel like I'm near someone, until I start to feel calmer again. If I am in a quite anxious state, I tend to jump or 'spook' more at things. Any kind of noise, or movement out of the corner of my eye is likely to make me jump (once even my own bag banging against a fence spooked me...no comment...). Sometimes this might include a few paces at a springy trot, or even a quick gallop away from what scared me. I also think it's worth noting that I am not a fan at all of people walking behind me. If I can't identify who it is, and let my brain do it's check to determine whether or not it qualifies the person as 'safe' or not, my anxiety levels do tend to build up. Someone walking behind me used to result in me speeding up, but I've worked to the point where I can now slow off a bit, to allow the stranger to pass, and help me calm down a bit quicker. If I know who is behind me, and they have passed the safe test, I'm quite happy then. Unless they walk too close, in which case I have a tendency to kick out... Finally, the anxious howl. This is quite a short duration howl, whiny almost. Fairly high pitched, often preceded by squeaking. Excited I'm following on with excitement because this is another emotional state that is quite high energy - it's another kind of state where I'm wound quite tightly like a spring, and more likely to spook (although less likely to run away and more likely to laugh it off). Although also bouncy when moving, unlike anxious movement gaits become less coordinated and less choppy and short. My concentration will be pretty poor most of the time, but then have sudden bursts where it's really good and I get loads done. Although it can be really hard to get anything done, as I tend to flick between different activities really quickly. An excited howl is also generally higher pitched and short in duration. It sounds almost like I'm trying to hold it in (sometimes I am) like a dog who is really, really excited, and trying really hard not to bark and doing little whisper barks (breathy wooo sounds) before losing control and woofing! My breathing is also usually pretty quick, almost pant-y and I tend to open my mouth more. I become really bouncy and sometimes flap a little bit, and talk at 100 miles per hour about things. Rather than being irritable, I'm probably much more irritating! Depressed This is a hard one to talk about, but probably the one I need people to understand the most in order to help. It's pretty easy to see when things have gone over the edge. My shoulders will be hanging, my head down and gaze on the floor. I won't be looking around really, even checking roads before crossing I use minimal effort, I won't be observing or paying much attention to my environment or what's going on around me. My breathing is quite slow, and shallow, but with occasional deep sigh breaths. I tend to become more isolated (that is, I isolate myself more), spending more time alone. My howl becomes long and drawn out, lower pitched, almost melancholic (well, I'd like to think so anyway!). Before depressive periods, I can go through a period of high chronic anxiety levels. Although, often, I just wake up and feel really down. I can often go for a long time trying to hide how I'm feeling, trying to act normal. So I often will reply with a smile, have a conversation, but as soon as I'm no longer being engaged or I think no one is watching, I will drop again. Calm/ Confident This kind of state is probably more easily recognised by the absence of behaviours rather than specific behaviours that say I'm feeling calm. I will generally appear relaxed, no furrowed look, eyes their normal shape or slightly squinted, slight smile and relaxed shoulders. I tend to blink more and my breathing is slow and deep with occasional sighs. My movement is relaxed, extended and flowing. My eyes face forward and if I'm looking around it will be slow head movements. There are times where I may appear to be moving calmly broken up by anxious movement - although it may appear that how I am feeling is changing quite rapidly (and sometimes it is), it is more likely that I am feeling anxious but trying very hard to stay calm and in control of the situation (probably coaching myself in my head). When I am beginning to calm down from an anxious state, I tend to shake a few times, like I'm trying to shake off the anxiety. I also sigh, the number of times depends on how anxious I've been feeling. With each sigh, I start to relax and feel less tense. I think this has come from listening to self help breathing exercises that get you to relax with each exhale! I sometimes also make a noise that sort of sounds like a snorting horse - but this really depends on where I am, normally I'll only do it when I am at home or just away from people I don't know. I also tend to do it when I've pushed myself hard exercise wise. Pain This isn't really an emotion, but it does effect how I am feeling. It has a big effect on depression but also anxiety as I am often worried about doing things in case they make my pain worse. Like being anxious, I am always in some level of pain and I have had to adapt to living with quite high levels of pain, so things have to get pretty bad before I show obvious signs. I often become irritable and snappy. I hate it, and it upsets me when I end up snapping. Pain is really frustrating and so many of my behaviours relate to that - I fidget, get tense and do huffy sighs. I do have more subtle signs. I clench my jaw a lot (unless it hurts to do so), grind my teeth quite aggressively (I worry for my pearly whites...) and tend to fidget and find it hard to settle so move around a lot (it's hard to find positions that are comfortable and relatively pain free). When I am feeling severe and really acute pain, I also tend to do a mouth opening thing - watch horses as they get their bridles taken off and they stretch out their mouth - I'm not sure quite why, but it tends to happen when the only thing I can really focus on is pain. My body position and movement depends on where is particularly hurting (I'm likely to hurt all over, but some places are worse than others) and also how bad the related fatigue is. Usually my gaits will be quite stiff, and I may have alternating lameness as my pain tends to move around. My howl is similar to my depressed howl, but more desperate. At night, I often end up howling short and sharp howls simply because of the frustration of not being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in, and just the fact that I am in too much pain to sleep. Anger I have to be wound up pretty badly to really obviously show that I am angry. So if it is obvious to you, then what the hell have you done?! I only tend to show that I am angry to my family, and often it's the only place where I feel I can let anger out. Sorry family! If I'm going to get angry, it will not be from you doing something to me either. I get angry about the inequalities in the world, and if you do something to my friends or say something nasty about them - then I have a tendency to explode quite suddenly. Again, it takes a lot so if you've got there, props to you! I have more subtle signs, and some of these tend to come out of frustration of feeling like I can do or say nothing. My face tends to become furrowed and I clench my jaw. I may grind my teeth depending on what it is that is making me angry. I also often back off and take a break from the situation if I can (if not I will need a rant about it later!) and I can get a bit flappy or just need to punch the air to release the tension and frustration. I tend to get quite angry at myself, I'm probably the only one who winds me up who I'm comfortable showing how angry I am regularly. I don't know what I do, but I hope I don't anger other people as much! Depression and anxiety Having both of these things together is hard work. I will have anxiety without feeling depressed, but I will never feel depressed without also feeling anxious. What anxiety behaviours you see will depend on just how bad I'm feeling, but you can bet that if I am feeling that bad I am feeling pretty damn anxious too. I hope that is a somewhat useful guide to the behaviour of an aspie vet! Remember, people on the spectrum aren't the same and what a behaviour means to me may not mean the same to someone else. But hopefully, even though they may not mean the same thing, it might help you to notice behavi

My life with animals and Aspergers

Going to the PAT dog session the week before exams made me really think about the importance of animals in my life. A love of animals and desire to help them has always been a driving force for wanting to be a vet, but probably more recently, it's been a desire to give something back that has kept me on the veterinary career path. Animals have been a part of my life since the day I joined it - I was born into a household with three cats, brothers who I beleive my dad had found working on a building site. I don't have many memories of Tom or Sid: Tom an apparently friendly, attention-craving cat who found a baby took some of that attention away and Sid, a nervy black cat who wasn't a fan of a screaming baby, decided to move in with an old lady. When we moved house, my parents made the decision to leave them where they were and so it was only Gerry who made the move. I don't have many memories of Gerry either. I was four when we moved into our home, and Gerry was already a more senior cat. I remember wanted to be near him, and cuddle him - as children often do with pets - and now I am sure he really didn't appreciate my affections. He was a good cat though, and I only bear one more obvious scar from his protestations to my advances - it's above my top lip - and even that only goes through phases of being visible. Gerry taught me a lot about cat behaviour though, probably more unconsious than even I realise. After losing Gerry to feline Leukemia, we remained a catless household - but somehow as I got older I seemed to have some strange draw on cats which I can't explain. From a feral queen who my grandparents fed, to cats whose owners told me "Oh, be careful of them, they're not very friendly", cats seem to be attracted to me. Not realising just how feral the little grey cat was, I sat watching her and her kittens until she had crept right up beside me. When I came in through the conservatory with her in my arms, my grandad was gobsmacked. The number of times I've gone into places where a cat has come over to say hello and I've gently given them a tickle when their owner will warn me about how their cat doesn't like strangers, or likes to scratch. Yet that same cat is now rubbing up against me, purring contently. I also grew up with my grandparents' dogs - Daisy May and Kelly Jane. I have many memories of these two and still have a photo of each framed either side of one of my grandad. I was so, so lucky with these dogs. They were incredibly tolerant and just amazing. I should really count myself lucky that I was never bitten by either of them - not through any real fault of my own, or their's but simply my trusting grandparents leaving us unattended so often.. I remember one time where I did something, still as a pretty young child, that made Kelly growl. Although Daisy often used her growl, Kelly barely made a noise and was such a laid-back dog this came as something of a shock to my grandad when I told him what happened. Thankfully, it also came as something of a shock to me, a noise that somehow I took to mean "back off and stop what ever you are doing, I'm not happy" which is pretty much what it did mean. Most children won't know to read a growl correctly, and I don't know how I did, but I was lucky because although I missed all the subtle early warning signs that Kelly was uncomfortable, listening to this meant I avoided a bite. Most of my earlies memories are with Daisy, Kelly and my grandad, going on long walks through different parks. I have one vivid memory clip, I'm not sure which park it is, but I can see Kelly waddle-run down to a hollow in tree roots filled with rain water and mulch, and she plops down happily in it, with a big grin on her face! Daisy is sniffing at the ground, quite possibly before finding some fox poo to roll in, but my memory clip doesn't run that far. I also remember once peaking through the letterbox after ringing my grandparents doorbell to see Kelly stand her ears up as much as they would go for a springer spaniel, giving her the funniest expression which I remember had me in stitches! My grandparents never got another dog after Daisy and Kelly, and I can't imagine them getting another now. Neither of them, my grandad especially, could cope with losing another and giving one the exercise it needs now would be difficult for them. My first real pet of my own (I'm going to exclude the goldfish here, as most ended up in the garden pond where they would disappear, and I would only catch the occasional flash of orange or glimpse a fin) was Holly. I got Holly, my Syrian hamster two days before Christmas 2002. I would never recommend bringing a pet into your life around Christmas, but many of us even with some knowledge of animals and sound reasoning as to why this is a bad idea, have probably experienced getting a pet during a holiday season in our lifetime. Holly was gold and white and I remember how proud I was of my new friend. I remember the first day, bringing Holly home, watching her get settled into her new home. She had been used to a square tank, with no levels, surrounded by siblings, yet now she found herself in a rather elaborate house, with plastic tubing and a pod for a bed, and multiple layers across which food, water and an exercise wheel where spread out. She eventually settled for a nap, not in her pod-bed, filled with fluffy small animal bedding, but inside of a horizontal tube, perilously close to a connecting vertical tube. As she dosed off, my poor little hamster took an eyes-closed nose-dive down the tube, scrabbling in panic to right herself at the bottom! Holly was an amazing escape artist, quickly figuring out how to push apart two tubes by planting her back feet in one and pushing backwards with her front end in another. She never ceased to amaze me with her Houdini like skills of escape. Years after I lost Holly, I found a little nest made of her bedding, some shredded carpet and an assortment of other fluffy/ shredded items behind my wardrobe! Holly had a beautiful nature - she never really bit anyone, apart from once when she was very scared - and she was quite happy to sit in my arms for cuddles. I say sit, but really, on the whole she was much more likely to be running from one hand to the next, treadmill style! She had an interesting tactic for when she was scared, which was to emit a rather unpleasant smell. I have no idea how she produced this, or where it came from, and none of my hamsters since have been able to compete. On one occasion, after being startled by my dad, Holly went completely floppy in my hands. She completely froze, and would not move. She slid from one hand to the other, more like a liquid than a solid hamster, and I remember feeling really quite alarmed at the time. After I don't know how long, she snapped out of it, like someone had hit play after pausing her! I lost Holly at the grand old age of two and a half - she remains to be my longest-lived hamster by far. I quickly realised that I couldn't be without a cuddly companion - Holly had left a big empty hole in my life and I needed to fill it. I knew she would never be replaced, and no pets in my life ever will, but I needed a new friend, who would take up another place in my heart. Cherry and Treacle came as a pair. They were dwarf Russian hamsters, and considering their small size, meant that I (my mum) had to invest in a whole new cage for them to live in. These two were almost chalk and cheese - Cherry was a little round ball of black fluff, while Treacle was creamy-grey with sharp teeth that she wasn't afraid to use. Cherry definitely ended up being the most handled of the two - probably because she was the most handle-able! Treacle had a feisty personality, and even if I couldn't cuddle her, I didn't love her any less! Instead, I fed her small pieces of ham, which she loved, and spent more time watching her while cuddling Cherry. After losing my two tiny friends, I again knew that I needed a new small furry to love. When I got Mouse, I was reliably informed that she was a boy, and this is how she spent her entire life. I don't think she really minded, gender and gender-identity are not nearly as complicated as the human species, and it does seem to be a human need to gender things that gives many people such a problem in society. But, moving on... Mouse got her name because she had the biggest ears I've ever seen on a hamster, and she also had a pointy face, that made her resemble much more a rat or a mouse than a hamster and so Mouse she became. I remember running out to tell my dad that I had a got a new pet, Mouse, and much to his confusion showed him a small grey-brown hamster! By the time I had Mouse, I was much more confident at handling hamsters, and so she became quickly habituated to cuddles. I had also learnt, that the elaborate systems with tubes, and levels and pods were a nightmare to clean, plus most hamsters tended to stay in one restricted area rather than bother with exploring the amazing creation that had slowly spread across my bedroom. Mouse really liked to sit on top of her water bottle and watch the world go by, and also found that mineral licks, although often ignored, were great fun to destroy - they also turned her nose and face a rather bright yellow which gave her an added cartoon-like element to her features. It was only after Hiro came into my life, that I realised that Mouse was in fact, definitely female! If you've ever compared a male and female hamster at sexual maturity (which by the time you get your pet hamster from the pet shop, they will have reached) will understand what I mean! Hiro was an absolute babe. His name was influenced by a certain television character, and although he couldn't jump through time, he certainly had powers of his own. Hiro was the first animal to really provide me with support and unconditional love, at a time where I needed it most. I didn't have the best of time at school, and things had suddenly got that little bit harder with GCSEs and friendship group shifts, and moving up to AS levels and getting more responsibility - it was a tough time. Hiro was there when I needed him. He would come out for a cuddle, and unlike my hamsters before, was content to simply lay beside me, or on me and watch television, or just listen to me talk. He was so laid back and chilled out, he would flop down and sleep until I was ready to put him back to bed. On the night of my year 11 prom, I didn't have the best time. I ended up on my own in the toilets at one point, hoping to hide until my mum came to pick me up and I could go home to my Hiro. After being found by a teacher, I was dragged out to sit with the other teachers while others in my year had photos, or danced, or generally celebrated finishing school. It just wasn't my idea of fun, I was stressed and anxious and wanted to go home. When I got back to Hiro, he was just there, a calming influence who cuddled and made me feel that everything was alright, that I was okay, that I didn't need to enjoy those kinds of events if I didn't want to. He was a special hamster, and I took a long time to find out how to live without him. A reward for GCSE results, was to bring into my life two new animals. On a trip to pets at home for food and sawdust and treats for Hiro and Anny, I saw two guinea pigs in the adoption drive section. They were two of four, who had been returned for one reason or another. Somehow, I got my mum to agree to bringing them home - probably because I had been pleading for months to be allowed to bring Tia, a 6 month old staffie, home from the RSPCA shelter where I had volunteered. Doris got her name from a slightly blurred name on the card telling us about her and her friend. She was a beautiful pig, agouti with a crest on her head and such a sweet personality. She would lie on her back in your lap - she was just gorgeous. Toni was christened by my brother - we still don't know why he went for Toni, but it caused much confusion among friends and family. Toni was the shyer of the two - she would follow Doris around, and generally just seemed less confident. She was beautiful though, sleek black, with a white crest on her head. They both lived indoors while we had them together. They lived in my sister's room, because as the youngest she had the least stuff, and most room in her bedroom (can't say the same now...) We hadn't had them long when we lost Doris very suddenly. It hurt, to see our beautiful friendly guinea pig lying un-moving for Toni to say goodbye to - and it was heart breaking to see Toni's reaction. I think losing Doris hurt my mum the most, as she had never been close to my pets before, but Doris was her baby. Knowing how social guinea pigs are, it was decided Toni couldn't stay alone. A week after we lost Doris, we found a new companion for Toni - a bit tri-colour boy called Benson. They made friends remarkable quickly, but it wasn't meant to be as we lost Benson a week after bringing him home. After our bad luck with companions, we decided not to risk upsetting Toni anymore by losing another, and so she lived alone for a good few months. During this time, we became really close - I would often lie on my bed with Toni lying on my chest, her paws on my chin. She would snuggle down so the weight was off of her feet and she would sit and chatter away, occasionally licking at my face. This interaction was precious, because while she had a companion, Toni had never seemed confident enough to be handled like this. After losing Hiro, Ginny came into our lives. She was a little ginger fluff ball, the youngest guinea pig we've ever had, with black markings under her left eye that looked like mascara that had run down her face. Ginny was a sweet, crazy little pig and her and Toni became friends quickly. The only problem with Ginny, was that her coat type seemed to trigger an allergic reaction in my sister, and so the pigs had to move house, to a two-story hutch in the garden. It was a bit of a shock after having lived in the house, where we would let them run downstairs and they had learnt that they could run all the way back up to their house and get back in. After convincing them that the ramp was really no different from the stairs, they settled pretty quickly and enjoyed the new space. Danny came along after Ginny. Danny was a white Syrian, and had a similar personality to Hiro, in that he was quite happy to slump by my side and watch TV. Danny was another cuddly boy, and although he was laid back like Hiro, there was something very different about them. They were their own hamsters, obviously, but they were both lovely boys. Danny was there through most of my A levels and transition into my degree. It was another hard time, where I was finding social stuff really hard, and he was there with me through it all. He was the first pet I lost while at university, and it was hard, not being there with him, when he needed me most, after all the times he had been there for me. After Danny, I didn't get another pet. I still had Ginny and Toni, and my sister now had started to have pets of her own. She was pretty unlucky with her first two hamsters - Cyril the fluff ball, managed to pull a hair band into his cage, which didn't do anything for his health. Then Russell had what the vet believed was a case of meningitis. I dedicated a lot of time to poor Russell, to give him his medicine, and make sure he had food and water, but the meningitis had left him with stroke-like symptoms. The day he seemed to perk up, and seemed to be getting some movement back in his bad side, he slipped away. Molly didn't have the best of luck either. Another Syrian, I remember being woken up by my mum, with Molly in her hands, asking me to have a look at her. One of her back feet didn't seem right, and flipping her over, I saw a huge bruise on her leg, and her foot seemed to be hanging off, almost, just flopping around. I was certain she'd broken her leg, and we probably didn't need the radiograph to confirm it, but the vet gave us some pain relief to give her and said to confine her so she couldn't move too much. This was much easier said than done, as Molly was an active little girl, who never seemed to stop moving when she was awake. We ended up turning the mesh part of her cage upside-down to confine her to the tank part. But as she got better, she clung onto the bars, and whizzed round like a little furry cable car! Having a slightly wonky leg never stopped little Molly! Susie and Dory came into our lives as two very small squeakers. Susie was one of the tiniest guinea pigs I have seen, and she really is comical the way her hair stands up at all angles! Both of them came to join our guinea pigs, as although my cousins desperately wanted pets, were not allowed them at home. Ginny took to the new babies very quickly, showing some very maternal behaviour and loving on them almost as soon as she met them. Toni was not so impressed, and remained pretty much disinterested in the two newbies. It was funny to watch my two older piggies as they seemed to pick a favourite baby, and they seemed to move around always in pairs while the youngsters grew. Buddy was one of the most gorgeous gerbils I have ever met. He was so sweet, and curious and it was so funny to watch him run across the sofa and leap the gap to the armchair. Buddy might have been my sister's, but I got very close to him in the time I spent at home, the Easter we had him. He was very good at falling asleep in your hand, and slowly slipping down and out of your grip until he flopped into your lap. I don't know what really happened with Buddy, but hearing that he was gone after I went back up to university, hurt much more than I could have expected. I've been trying to work out how to fit Anny in. Anny has been with us since 2004. She's met all my pets, but she has remained constant in my life for a long time. Anny is my brother's budgie, and she has the biggest personality. She is completely mad at times, and even though she's getting on a bit now, she still has her moments! Anny used to have free access to the lounge most of the time, but nowadays she tends to stay in her cage, her safe spot. She's not as good as flying as she used to be, after a stroke has left her a bit wonky, but she reminds us regularly that she is still alive and kicking! If you leave the door open too long, or she wants a bath, or more millet, or more water, or the curtains should have been open by now don't you know, she will tell you about it! She once sat shouting because she'd found the snail that had been leaving trails over the lounge carpet! Anny is a brilliant bird, and I'm really not sure what life will be like when she's gone! She has destroyed the cabinet with her "beak art" and used to enjoy throwing photo frames off the top of the cabinet in her younger years! She's also really, really good - she's never tried to fly into the windows, and the number of times we've forgotten to shut her in, or even shut her cage but shut her out of it(!), when we've gone outside through the lounge is impressive. She might flap around and shout at you, but she's never tried to make a break for freedom. I hope that means she's happy with us, even if she would much rather peck our fingers to pieces than have us come too close! I could really do with Dibsy at the moment. What with exams being over, and it being the start of the summer break, I am completely at a loss for what to do. Being able to take him for a walk over the downs would be great right about now, or even to spend some time with treats and the clicker. In the year before starting vet school, I spent most days taking Dibs out for a walk, and just spending a bit of time with him. He taught me so much about dog behaviour, and helped me to adapt my methods to training him. I first started walking Dibsy back in the summer when I was 16, and although our walks were sporadic in between, he was always a good walking companion and listening ear, Flash and Dawson were my furry counselors through the final year of my degree. They were there through what was a really difficult year, both in terms of the course and things going on outside of it. It was with them that I first noticed the power of animals over my tourettes. Being with them, holding them in my hands, made the tics go away, and brought calm back to my life. This has since developed so that I need only have an animal in my sight for my tics to vanish into stillness. Flash and Dawson did a great job at listening, and having cuddles. Dawson licked away many a tear when I was sad, and Flash's crazy antics were sure to bring a smile to my face. Bringing my gerbil boys home after my degree ended, meant Anny had two new friends too. She loved to sit on top of her water/ feeders and tap on the tank to wake them up, and she's even cautiously scuttled along the top of their tank! Flash is still playing a role of counselor, and I am probably closer to him now than I was before we lost Dawson. He comes out for long cuddles and runs, and we've developed skills to communicate with each other. Flash knows how to ask to go back, and knows what to do if I ignore him, too! He still has his mad moments on the sofa, and can tell the difference between the rustle of a bag of pine nuts and the rustle of something not so interesting. He helps himself to whatever food I happen to be eating, and most the time I'm happy to share (anything gerbil-friendly). He has started to do a funny chewing behaviour with me: he has always chewed at clothes, leaving holes in most my older t-shirts, but this behaviour leaves no damage, and is more like grooming than chewing. I don't know if this is because he misses doing this with Dawson, and I have tried to recreate it back to him, but really I'm not sure whether it is the act of grooming or of being groomed that he needs. I don't no how much longer I'll have him for, but I will be sure to enjoy every minute of his company that I have. Finally, I just thought I'd talk about horse riding. This activity has been something I only really took up during my first degree, and it is something that has helped me out so much. Sitting on a horse, my confidence increases and I feel really happy. I love trying to form a partnership with my steed, and it's a time when I really feel free. I hadn't ridden in a long time, when I got back on a horse last Sunday, and it was good to be back in the saddle! It is quite a different experience riding as a vet student though, as now, as well as thinking about everything else, I'm thinking about what bones and muscles the horse is using, how what I am doing is affecting the horse, focusing on how I everything I can do to make it as comfortable an experience on the animal I am sitting on. I am really glad to be back, doing something I love doing, and I hope it's something I can continue when I go back to vet school in September. Animals give me confidence and happiness; make me laugh (and cry); make my tourettes tics disappear; provide a listening, non-judgmental ear. I don't know how I can ever repay animals, as they have given me so much, but I think veterinary is the best way to go. Helping them, by preventing illnesses before they happen, treating illnesses and injuries when they do, giving them a peaceful and dignified passing into the great beyond. It's not going to be an easy job, but I really can't see myself doing anything else.

One Fifth Vet - reflecting on my first year at vet school

First year exams are over and I am now one fifth vet! I guess that maybe equates to an arm or a leg, but I think it still feels like it's just my little finger. Or a toe. If that! Still crossing everything that I've passed all eight exams but still got to wait a couple of weeks to find out. The PAT dog session was the perfect activity for revision week before starting exams. The dogs were brilliant at helping ease nerves and it was lovely just to sit and have cuddles to distract from the looming exams. It also made me think about how much animals mean in my life - I may write another blog on it, but we'll see! After the first week of exams (which contained possibly the written and OSPE for the most stressful module) I got to go to the second National UK Dog Bite Prevention and Behaviour Conference which this year was held at the University of Lincoln. I learnt so much I could probably fill another blog post! What was particularly interesting, was hearing one of my absolute heroes talking about a one health approach to preventing dog bites. I really hope we'll be able to get AWBS involved in the next National Dog Bite Prevention week, so that as vet students we can play our part in preventing dog bites. There were many amazing speakers, and somehow this year I found the courage to speak to some of them. I put my vet professional skills into practice, giving my best elevator pitch and selling the idea behind AWBS. Fingers crossed it all pays off! It was a great improvement on the last conference, where I only just about managed to ask for my newly purchased books to be signed by their authors! The conference really reinforced that I want to combine behaviour with veterinary, especially if it means I can play a bigger part in educating people to prevent children being bitten. As for the actually exams, I'm not really sure how to feel that they went. I do think there should be some sort of a rule about asking how exams went, especially in the week after they finish! If I want to talk about them, I will but otherwise don't ask please! I can never really tell how an exam went. I've also been thinking about the problem I have with exams. Although I wasn't as stressed as I have been in the past, I was more stressed than during the first set of vet school exams. I also found the post-exam crash slightly harder than usual. I think the reason for this is tied up in the same reasons why many of us procrastinate. Procrastination is defined as "putting off or delaying or deferring an action to a later time". When I'm supposed to be revising I very often find myself deciding to do anything but - cleaning, giving myself undeserved breaks, snacking, doing little odd jobs that can be completed relatively quickly, playing games or other random activities like doodling instead. The reasons why we procrastinate are tied up in two regions of the brain - the prefrontal cortex which is our planning centre, the part of the brain that reminds us that if we don't revise we are going to fail those exams; and the limbic system, the emotional part of the brain that gets distracted and wondering about what to have for dinner tonight, what's on the telly, that you should really tidy your desk and ooooh look, a squirrel! The prefrontal cortex can see the long term benefits of revision - passing exams, getting that 2.1 you need to get into vet school - but it gets tired easily. The limbic system is more powerful, more primitive. It has connections with the pleasure or reward centre of the brain and cares about things that will give you immediate satisfaction or rewards. There is a battle between these two regions - the fight between the short-term reward of emptying the bin or getting a new high score on flappy bird versus the long-term reward of doing well on exams. This is where my post-exam crash comes in. Whereas there is an immediate reward of watching another episode of Orange is the new Black, there is no real immediate reward with finishing an exam other than knowing you're one more exam down. For me, it is apparently not reward enough having an exam done and with how busy exam periods are it's hard to have a chance to think about the long-term reward of being a vet. You work up and up and up, there i so much build up and then when it's over, there's...nothing. That's just it. No fireworks. No cookie. No jumping off the cliff-hanger that previous Breaking Bad episode left you on. The reward comes later, anywhere between 3-6 weeks after finishing an individual exam. Exams just seem anti-climatic. This is especially hard when the turn around between two exams is one evening. Thankfully after the last exam, I did have a pretty big reward. On the afternoon of the last one I had my hair cut. I think this shows a little bit as to how far I've come in this last year. I haven't had my hair cut in about three years. Before that, I had the same person cut my hair for 11 years of my life - that's a long time! I just couldn't face letting anyone else cut my hair. But it really needed it, my trimming probably hadn't done it the world of good. And I went bold! I wanted colour in it, so I went with red to match my dress for the first vet school ball. I also had my fringe back in. I am so, so happy with the outcome though. And I look at this photo and how genuinely happy I look in it, and it's a good feeling! Then we had the ball! It was a long, long day, I got up at 6:30am to help decorate the venue. It was bizarre to actually help out with a ball. I went through three years of a previous degree and never really got involved and then, there I was, helping inflate balloons, and stick up photos, and wrap ribbon and lights around various objects. I actually ended up with blisters from tying balloons, but the room looked beautiful when it was finished - it was actually a real shame we didn't take a before and after photo! The ball itself was brilliant - the food was good and I was most definitely on the best table! I felt a lot like a wallflower, and didn't really live it was much as I maybe would have liked, but I'm okay with that. I have come such a long way in this last year. My first time as a fresher wasn't the best experience, and so I am really glad to have had a second go. There has been some serious highs, a quite a few lows. There's been some really stressful times but I really wouldn't be anywhere else. Do I wish I could wave a magic wand and change some things? I guess. It's not that I would get rid of the sad times, because you need some bad to see the good. It would be nice if I could change a couple of things. But then again, those things have shown me what great friends I now have. I would love if I could use the magic wand to stop them happening in the future, but there is no magic wand. I can't change the past and I can't really stop what will happen in the future. But I do know, that at least I have the most amazing support. And I will be there for them too. I've been part of setting up a clinical club, and am now helping with a new charity (it's called Animal Neighbours and you should definitely check out the facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/animalneighbours?fref=ts), I was on a ball decorating committee and my confidence has grown a great deal. It's funny how much things have changed. One of my lecturers at the ball said how we will start looking at everything differently - and you definitely do! I ended up talking about vertebral processes over a Fathers' Day dinner, as my dad ordered a t-bone steak - not sure my parents or grandparents appreciated that particular topic of conversation, but, let's face it, it could have been much worse! Then I sat watching my sister's horse riding lesson, and was thinking so much about how the horses were using, thinking about the bones and muscles involved, their different gaits and ways of moving. And theorising even more about various things - asking the how and the why, particularly behaviour - often my own, I could probably write a short book on RachelAspie behaviour! I've learnt so much in this past year, and it is unbelievable how quickly it's flown by. This summer promises a lot - I've got a placement with dogs, at a llama farm and for block calving. I'm still looking for cats and horses but I think there's still a bit of time! I'm also going horses riding for the first time in a very long time next weekend, and I am really, really looking forward to that. I am seriously proud to be a Surrey vet student and I can't wait to see what else the future holds.

The final week of first year lectures

I’m going to admit that I am not feeling great right now. Whether it is because I came down off a high from last week, I missed a dose of my wonder drug, that I’ve not been super productive this weekend, or a combination of the three, I thought it might be useful to have a reflect on my last few weeks as a first year.

Exams are looming, but Friday marked the end of lectures for my first year at vet school. First year is essentially over and we only have 4 years left as vet students. It’s a terrifying thought! The thought of not making it into later years is even worse. I have a week of revision and then eight exams in three weeks. I suppose on the plus side they’ll be over pretty quickly! But there is so much to remember and not enough space in my brain to pack it in. I’m pretty sure I know more than I think, but actually finding the information and getting it out on paper is feeling like a battle. I feel like I don’t have nearly enough time to go over everything in the detail I would like (despite doing better at keeping up with my notes) and losing a weekend has allowed panic to set in. Revising while I am this anxious is not productive. It’s actually pretty pointless, as I won’t take anything in or remember anything and then I got more anxious and even less likely to take anything in and it just ends up in a vicious cycle that makes me need to curl up in bed forever. Actually taking a couple of days out, to reflect on where I am, how far I’ve come and just rest and recuperate is actually more productive than I keep telling myself. So I’m going to chill for the rest of the day, look forward to the Surrey County Show tomorrow and then get down to some revision when I’m feeling better tomorrow evening.

It’s been an amazing term. My confidence has really sky-rocketed. I’ve felt much less awkward about talking to lecturers, been able to answer a few more questions in practicals and even presented our PBL case without feeling like I was going to black-out, getting heart palpitations or stumbling too much over my words. I even answered a question after without freaking out first - just walked straight into it. Outside of vet school, I’ve felt confident enough to go swimming again. It’s been a long time since I felt comfortable wearing a swimming costume in front of people. Losing a bit of weight has probably helped (32lbs this year, and really proud) and I’m now slowly knocking seconds of my length time each week!

I’ve somehow ended up in the decoration committee for our first ever vet summer ball. In the past, I’ve always felt like I was in the background of thing, on the outside of the activity looking in but somehow I’m now doing things I never thought I’d be capable of. I feel like I might be a bit less forgettable now, and it’s really, really good. At the start of the year, even coming up to Christmas, I felt like we were all a big family in the vet school. But I felt like I was the weird, crazy, spinster aunt who lived with loads of cats and people would invite along because they felt sorry for her, but they didn’t really want to spend time with her. It was silly, and thinking that kind of stuff was what pushed me down and isolate myself even further. And it’s hard to admit it. But I now feel much more part of the family.

Talking of not sitting on the side lines, the Vet Soc logo has evolved somewhat. There was some belief that my Chiron the Stagtaur looked a bit like he was doing a nazi salute (I can see it now) and so he is now carrying a bow and arrow. Somehow, I’ve left my stamp on Surrey Vet School, and I’m really happy I could.

In between lectures and practicals and lab reports, I’ve written a couple of pieces for our new newsletter. After being asked to write a piece about my experience of lambing, I thought it would be an idea to write something about AWBS. AWBS is coming along nicely, we now have a mission statement and aims and have lots of plans for the next year. Despite never really enjoying English much at school, I’ve found I really enjoy writing and am planning an opinion piece over the summer. I think it’s easier to write things down, explain how I’m feeling. It can be really helpful to write things out, even just as a way to clear my head.

The last week was a bit strange. It was so odd to think that first year was coming to an end. Tuesday was spent doing reproductive exams on some rams and practicing auscultating cattle. On Wednesday, Noel Fitzpatrick came to give us a motivational talk before exams. I’m not sure how motivating it was for everyone, but I felt it comforting to know that an amazing surgeon was never good at exams - it gave me a bit of hope! Then on Thursday I spent the day with our canine teachers, including some pin the reproductive/ endocrine organs on the dog (a photo, not the actual dogs!).

After presenting PBL cases on Friday, we were given a tour of the new vet buildings. They’re not quite done yet but they are really starting to take shape! It’s hard to believe they are on track to finish in time, but I suppose I don’t spend enough time on building sites to know! Being part of a new vet school is great - it’s like being part of something bigger. Being a small year, we probably have more of an opportunity to make our mark. We’re testing the course and feeding back what we feel is working and what we feel needs improvement. It has it’s pros and cons - being the first ever year, we have no one above us to ask questions of, because things haven’t been tried before there are mistakes and there have been a few teething issues. But overall, I think it’s a really positive experience. Getting the chance to be part of such a small year feels really beneficial to me - the small group sizes are less overwhelming and you end up knowing everyone enough to say hello to and work with. On the downside, news travels fast between a small group, so if things go wrong, everyone knows it. Either way, I definitely feel I’m at the best vet school!

Friday evening was spent celebrating. We had a BBQ with the new buildings as a backdrop. I played a bit of rounders, took lots of photos, played with lecturers dogs, chatted. At one point I just stood watching, trying to remember how I was feeling, everything that was going on. It was the first real time I felt like I belonged. Bit sad, bit cheesy… but I don’t care. I feel like I really belong somewhere, that I am part of something and I’ve found my group. I may be an insignificant speck flying through space on a dot in a gigantic galaxy. But it’s still nice to feel I belong. So I accidentally punched a lecturer, soaked someone twice with his drink, undid a few bras and nearly stabbed myself with a knife. Yeah, didn’t enjoy those bits so much, but it’s nice to feel accepted, to be in such an understanding group of people. The night may also have had an interesting ending, but I’m not going to go there…

Moving on! Next week is mainly for revision, excluding the Surrey County show tomorrow. On Wednesday, I’ll be spending an hour cuddling some PAT dogs, to help ease exam nerves and mid way through exams, I’ll be at a dog bite prevention conference (just got to try and build the courage to have a proper conversation with my heroes this time). The day after our last exam, we have our ball to look forward to (just got to try and loose another inch to fit my dress…). Further afield than that, I have a week at a dog boarding and training centre, two weeks at a llama farm and two weeks block calving to look forward to over summer, and I’ll be ringing a couple more places this week then hopefully I’ll have cats and horses two! I’ve also got a pig placement and wildlife centre booked in for next summer, but that’s a long way off! Although I’m sure it’ll be here before I know it!

Writing this has really helped; I’m still going to have the evening off, and just cuddle my gerbil as it’s getting a bit late to start trying to remember muscles and bones now! But I feel proud to see how far I’ve come and really excited for the future.

Escapee sheep and a camper van roof, boucing lambs and playing with pee... adventures in lambing and first week back at vet school

I would apologise for the number of photos that will be in this blog post but to be honest it would be one of those sorry not sorry apologies! Or Surrey not sorry. I’m quite proud of some of my photos and they hold a great deal of memories. They say a photo speaks a thousand words, so I’ve probably increased the word count of this blog by 4900 words without increasing the length by quite so much!

Lambing was brilliant. Really, really great. Last year I had a pretty bad experience lambing - thankfully it wasn’t my first experience of lambing, otherwise I don’t think I would have every gone again - but this year was so much better. The lambing shed was incredibly well organised, the family were some of the loveliest people I have ever met - even if I was occasionally threatened that I would be wormed or shot! 

I’ve slowly increased the number of sheep at lambing placements, starting at around 200 for the first two years, 350 last Easter and right up to 533 ewes. Having worked only with typically white breeds over the first two years (Charolais, Texal, Lleyn) I still get a bit excited when I see lambs with any black markings on them! Having Suffolks was certainly an extra bonus this year!

There were some pretty fun moments in the three weeks that I was in Norfolk. On one particularly windy day, just as myself and the other student were left alone in the house, a slightly distressed man knocked on the door. His camper van roof had been taken off my a especially strong gust of wind and it had blown into the field with some of the March lambs! After finding people who could actually help (they actually thought I’d lost it) we retrieved the errant roof, helped the gentleman secure it back onto his camper van (superglue and duct tape were suggested, but it turned out he had some bungee cords that did the job) and he went on his way.

We also ended up with 31 escapee ewe lambs! They were found destroying a crop field and had to be pushed up onto the yard. There was a bit of debate as to whose they were - no one wanted to claim them! They had a bit of a rest on a field (where they were shunned by the four ewes and their lambs who were occupying it) and did eventually return to their rightful owner later in the evening. 

I fell in love with their little Cocker Spaniel, Jet. She is absolutely gorgeous, enjoyed cuddles, tolerated my weirdness, and was one of the calmest Spaniels (maybe even dogs) I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. She had her mad five minutes (she even helped me warm up a couple of mornings) but she was so laid back. It was also great seeing the collies working the sheep - you can see that it’s really something they were born and bred to do.

I’m missing my lambs! Feeding them first thing in the morning and last thing before going to bed. Especially one little lamb, a triplet who was set onto a ewe with a single lamb. Her new mummy loved her but she just became weak and cold and ended up heating up in the hot box looking like she wasn’t going to make it. The first time I met her, she had already come a long way but she was such a scrawny, leggy looking little lamb. She was enthusiastic though, and very noisy! When she came back out to the lambing shed with her hot box pal to join the other orphans, she very quickly found she could squeeze out between the middle bars! Going into feed them was a challenge as every time she would wiggle her way out and head butt the back of your knees! I ended up naming her St Trinian, because she was such a naughty little girl! She even followed me right to the house once, to watch me make up the milk! (there was some encouragement once we had got part way…) Eventually she got too big to fit between the bars (and my, did she get big!) and had to wait with all the others to be fed. Definitely had a soft spot for little Trinnie!

I also miss hearing bleating at night! Being right above the fire, the bedroom got a bit hot so I slept with the windows right open, and fell asleep listening to ewes calling their lambs back to them. Well, when I wan’t falling asleep curled up on the sofa, watching the tellie! And then being sent up to bed. Ahh, miss them all so much!

It was also a really eye-opening experience to see just how hard those in the farming community work. And how little it pays off. It was so sad seeing the prices of lambs fall, when I was there, living it, experiencing just how hard the work is. It was an important lesson to learn, and I will carry it with me throughout my career.

By the time I finished lambing, I was covered in cuts and bruises from various bumps, impalings, head butts and just every day work! Barbed wire, leaning over gates, catching sheep, climbing over fences, pen knife, needles… if it had the potential to cause an injury you can pretty much guarantee I injured myself on it. I am very good at my own stunt, was very happy with my dalmatian-bruised bellie and will look at my barbed wire scars with fond memories!

Term started back a week ago - I still can’t believe how time is flying! It’s been a good week, slightly strange in terms of timing but crammed full of practicals and lectures. First thing back Monday morning we were back in the lab playing with pee… I mean, carrying out urinalysis! Last week we also did a male reproductive organ dissection, highlights including trying to dissect out a pig’s penis and watching our lecture try to fit a pigs penis inside a dog skeleton to demonstrate how it would be orientated! Much to what I am sure would have been the horror of the lab techs!

I’m also really happy. I’ve said it before, and I guess it hasn’t really changed. But it has. Our lives on the internet are what we choose to display. And people rarely share the rubbish bits, choosing only to share the positives. It probably gives a false impression and can make people think that their lives aren’t as good as the next person. I’m just as guilty. But having started on a new drug to treat my fibromyalgia (that is also used to treat other conditions) I now really am, genuinely happy. I don’t think I quite realised how rubbish I was feeling until I was actually feeling happy. Until now. I got used to not feeling good a lot of the time - and it has taken a bit to get used to not feeling that way! Obviously I still have highs and lows, just like in the past. The downs are that little bit less extreme. And also my set-point has changed, to a higher mood level. Like when an animal gets an infection and pyrexia (fever) alters the hypothalamic set point to a higher level. Happy now seems to be my default. I’m less anxious, more confident. I don’t know if this version of me is more me, or the old version is. But I don’t care. I like this version. I think it’s the best version. When I’ve thought about not having Asperger’s, I’ve thought about what I might be like. In my times of wishing I wasn’t on the spectrum, I decided that I would probably be pretty much the same me - just better at being that person! I think that’s what I’m feeling now, like I’m just being better at being me. To be honest, I guess the versions are different sides of the same coin. The important things is, at least for now, I’m happy.

World Autism Awareness Day - Things neurotypicals say to aspies and why they're a problem

As it's World Autism Awareness day, I thought I would do a post which is a little bit different than I normally do. It's going to be a bit less vet-related and more to do with my life outside of vet school and the impact my Aspergers has. I'm hoping it'll still be interesting and maybe even be enlightening :) 

I've seen a number of these lists about things that people not on the autistic spectrum - "neurotypicals" - say to those of us who are. Although the problem with many of these things is often blindingly obvious to any of us on the spectrum and even those with a greater understanding of autistic spectrum disorders for anyone without a clue and those trying to learn more, simply seeing a list of things people say but shouldn't isn't helpful. So I thought I would address some things that are commonly said to Aspies (many of which I have experienced myself) and try and help you understand why that thing you just said wasn't as nice, complimentary or understanding as you were hoping.

You seem so normal/ I never would have guessed/ You must be really high functioning/ I don't think you can have Aspergers, you're too smart...social...nice...normal/ You don't seem like there's anything wrong with youThis is the one I get most frequently. I can sort of see the sentiment behind it - I can pass for whatever definition of normal that individual or society is using, and telling me that is meant to be a compliment. I normally kind of awkwardly smile and thank people who say this, and I used to try and say that things used to be a lot worse. This is not a compliment. I don't need you to tell me that I pass for normal, when the definition of normal varies from person to person and place to place. I am normal. There is nothing abnormal about having Aspergers and there is nothing wrong with being on the spectrum. Saying this kind of thing also shows just how invisible a condition Aspergers can be - it sort of disregards our experiences, the problems we face daily and will continue to face, simply because you are unable to see them. My Aspergers probably was a bigger problem in the past, because I've managed to learn mechanisms for coping - but it doesn't mean that this problems don't still exist and that I'm not going along dealing with these while you are completely unaware that I have any at all. There may be nothing wrong with having Aspergers, but it doesn't mean it doesn't come with challenges.

I know someone else with Aspergers but you're so different Thank you for recognising my individuality! Yes, Aspies are just as much individuals as neurotypicals. At the start of this academic year, I went for a pre-induction with a group for student starting Surrey with Aspergers. Although we shared a diagnosis, we were all very different individuals - there were some shared characteristics, even some shared interests but no one there was a carbon copy. Imagine a group of amputees joining a support club - yes, they all share having lost a limb but some may have lost a leg,  others an arm, others may have lost multiple limbs and they will all have there own likes and dislikes and hobbies and interests. At our group nearly all of us were doing different courses, from veterinary medicine to music to maths to chemistry. Aspergers also affected us in many different ways. They call it the autistic spectrum for a reason!

It's not aspie/ autist/ autistic person it's person with aspergers etc. This is another one where I can see the sentiment. I have Aspergers but I am not primarily my diagnosis. It's one part of my identity, not my whole identity but it does play quite a big part. This one comes down to personal preference - I personally don't mind referring to myself as an aspie and neither would I mind anyone else calling me that. Others prefer not to own their diagnosis in quite the same way. But please, please don't speak for us. If you want to know what an individual would prefer just ask, we don't bite (often)!

Labels belong on food not people Being diagnosed with Aspergers was a blessing for me. I was going through a time where I felt abnormal, a bit of an outcast and that I would never fit in. Before my diagnosis I thought it was my fault, that there was something wrong with me - and not having a diagnosis meant I didn't know the route cause of the problems I was having or how to improve anything. Getting a diagnosis was a relief - I wasn't weird, there was a name for what I was going through and although it would be with me for life I could begin to find stategies to help.

Who wants to be normal anyway/ Everyone is a little bit autistic Chasing down a definition of normal is like trying to herd cats. But fitting into what society has defined as normal can be really important to many of us. I find those who say the former tend to have no concept of what it's like to not fit the norm. Although most of the time I wouldn't change having Aspergers,  there are days when I've had so many things go wrong as a result of Aspergers I wish so hard that I could just be normal. Being normal is not about being the same, but being able to think and act and be like neurotypicals. As for the latter, this is another one that completely disregards our experiences on the spectrum. Many neurotypical individuals may share characteristics of aspie individuals just like they may also share interests or hobbies. It doesn't mean they have Aspergers.

Are you actually autistic or do you just have Aspergers?/ It's not like you're actually autistic Autists and aspies often refer to themselves as being on the spectrum - I certainly sometimes swith from Aspergers to ASD - that is, Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Autism and Aspergers are part of the same spectrum and actually there is often a struggle differentiating between higher functioning autism and Asperger's syndrome when diagnosing; at the time when I was diagnosed they told me the defining factor was IQ - those with higher functioning autism typically had a lower IQ and those with Aspergers had a higher IQ. Now it's often defined by language development, with those diagnosed with Aspergers typically having normal language development as a child. There is so much controversy surrounding these two - so much so that there was talk of getting rid of the separation between the two diagnoses, partly due to comments like this.

I've seen/ read [insert film/ book/ TV series with a stereotypical ASD character here] so I know all about Aspergers I hate to burst your bubble - especially if you've watched Rain Man, Sherlock, Bones, that episode of House, The Big Bang Theory, Parenthood, Adam or read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime on someone's recommendation that it would help you understand better someone on the spectrum - but you really don't. These things all contain fairly stereotypical characters. Don't get me wrong, I read Curious Incident and even recently saw it on stage and I enjoyed it; I love Sheldon Cooper and Sherlock Holmes; and Dustin Hoffman did an amazing job in Rain Man but they don't really give you an insight into most aspies lives. It's great that you want to learn more about the subject and are actively trying but don't assume you know it all just from watching one show. And if you really are serious about learning more to understand us better, take recommendations from us or even just talk to us, I'm certainly happy to answer questions.

Everyone has to learn social skills; Aspergers is not a disorder it's just down to bad parents, parents who are just too lazy or ignorant to teach those skills to their children I hope most people will be able to see the problem with this one. Those of us on the spectrum have brains that are wired up differently to neurotypical brains. We think in a different way, interpret and process information in a different way, and struggle with certain areas of life because are brains have different connections - this is nothing to do with poor parenting. My mum is great and although I think my dad struggles a bit sometimes, he tries hard to understand. Neither of them have anything to do with me or my sister being on the spectrum - unless you want to blame their genes which as far as I'm aware, we don't have a massive amount of control over. As for learning social skills, yes there are some things we have to learn as we grow up like ways to behaviour appropriately in society such as going to the toilet in a toilet and not in our pants, not pick our nose in public etc. etc. but these are not really social skills so much as how to act in an acceptable way in society. There are certain unwritten rules that neurotypicals either seem to have hardwired into their brain or just have some secret way of picking up that eludes us on the spectrum. One very important aspect is how to tell what emotion someone is feeling - this kind of information is displayed on the right side of someone's face and is probably why humans show left-gaze bias when they first look at a human face (just out of interest, dogs have been found to do the same thing when looking at a human face, but don't have any bias when looking at other animals' faces). However, studies have found that those on the spectrum don't show left-gaze bias, which is probably why we struggle to read what someone is feeling.

But you have feelings/ But you're empathetic Yes, yes I do have feelings. What I have trouble with is understanding exactly what I'm feeling and putting what I'm feeling into words. I also sometimes have trouble with expressing my feelings. As for empathy, some of us on the spectrum will have trouble with empathising with other people but there are plenty of us who can most certainly empathise with others. I feel a great deal of empathy with people, but I do struggle with empathy. When people are talking to me about something that requires empathy, such as when a relative has died, I can really struggle not to cry with them; especially when it's someone I know and love very much. It's not like I get over-involved as it only affects me for that moment, later on I can re-detach myself. But it's something I need to work on, because as much as some people might appreciate someone seeming to be affected so much, others don't.

Autistic spectrum disorders are caused by... vaccines, yeast, something in the water, too much TV, mercury, x-rays, pesticides, stress, the internet, dairy, gluten etc. etc. Ummm... yeeea-nope. Nope. And nope again. No, the MMR vaccine did not give me an ASD, nor did any other vaccine. Neither was it caused by any other of these scare-story-causes. Autism is a developmental condition, but the causes are not actually well understood. It's quite likely that it's caused by a complex interaction between genetic and environmental factors. The study that claimed a link between the MMR vaccine and autism was an awful example of scientific literature, and the lies published by this researcher have caused so much damage to so many children, in very little time while it's taking years to even begin to undo it. I was given the MMR vaccine as a child, but my sister wasn't - one of the Ms (I'm not sure if it's measles or mumps) is an egg-based vaccine and as a child she was badly allergic to egg. We are both on the spectrum. Besides, even if the MMR vaccine did cause autism, I would much rather be in the spectrum than to have picked up an illness that still kills children every year - and deaths from a lot of preventable diseases are on the increase due to the damage of one researcher. ASDs are not the end of the world, honest.

I think this book on... could really help you I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it. But a book written for neurotypicals on how to recognise body language, or improve your networking etc. is actually not massively helpful for someone on the spectrum. We're quite a different audience. If you find one targeted at aspies, go ahead and send me a recommendation.

Stop taking everything so literally/ You can never take a joke I'm sorry I often take things literally. My brain is just wired up to be literal. And I'm sorry I often can't take a joke, but it's hard as I often can't tell when you're joking. I've actually had both of these from "friends" in school who were aware of my diagnosis. I really want to improve in certain areas and appreciate feedback, but please give me something constructive to work with. Maybe some signal I can use to check if something is a joke? I can struggle to get sarcasm but then again people very rarely seem to pick up when I'm being sarcastic too!

If you didn't do that, act like that, weren't like that you wouldn't get bullied Thank you for blaming my bullies' behaviour on me. Please, please don't ever blame a victim. It doesn't matter what is going on in the bullies life, it is still never the victims fault. It doesn't matter how odd someone is, they do not deserve to be bullied and it is not their fault if they are. For years I believed I deserved to be bullied, and I even started to bully myself. Maybe rather than telling the victims how not to get bullied we should just teach kids not to bully? Just an idea.

You wouldn't have liked it any way/ We didn't think you'd like it Please don't assume I wouldn't like something. None of us can be certain we don't like something unless we try it. I'd appreciate if you didn't make these kinds of decisions for me. Let me try them out - hey, if I don't like them, congratulations you were right I won't do whatever it was again. And if I do like it, I've found something new I like to do. Go me!

You need to deal without any support now (at school/ university) because you won't get any in the real world I've had this both at school and it was also said to me during an interview for university (I won't name names). You're right, there is very little support in the "real world", and it's being cut all the time. I don't think it's right, there are many people who could do with much better support who aren't getting it, but let's leave that for another time. University is the first time many people are away from home - it's a place where people learn just as much about themselves as whatever course they are studying. Support during this time needs to be different than you need in the real world - get it right here, and you may not need the same amount when you leave. Support at school and university should be there to provide people with the skills that they need to support themselves beyond university. Denying support just because you won't get it later is just plain ridiculous.

Have you tried [insert bizarre idea with no scientific backing here] No, I haven't tried that dairy-free, gluten-free diet, or chelation, or any of the other crazy things that randomly crop up. I know you're probably only trying to help but none of these things has any real evidence. Plus I don't need curing, thank you.

You don't like physical contact so you can't possibly want to be in a romantic/ sexual relationship I struggle with physical contact. Hugs make me uncomfortable a lot of the time, simply because I don't know what to do with them or how to react. But sometimes I just feel like a need a hug. I might feel I could do with a hug but it doesn't mean I feel any less uncomfortable. Not liking physical contact, or feeling uncomfortable about it doesn't mean that we don't want a relationship. Many people on the spectrum are very happy in relationships. Asexuality and aromanticism exist both in those on the spectrum and neurotypicals - they are not necessarily related to disliking physical contact.

People with Aspergers will never achieve anything/ People with Aspergers are always high achievers Both of these things can be really problematic for young aspies. Being told that you will never achieve anything or amount to anything can affect different people in different ways - some people with stick two fingers up and do everything to prove them wrong, but others begin to believe it and just give up. I feel that for those on the spectrum it can be easier to believe it when someone tells you that you will never achieve what you want - I've certainly been worn down a great deal over my time at school. Thankfully my determination to be a vet was stronger than my belief that these people telling me I would never do it were possibly right. If you are on the spectrum, fight for any dream you like. You can do it, it WILL be hard work, your ASD will most likely throw up extra challenges, and you may find things end up going in a different direction. But don't listen to anyone who says you'll never amount to anything. As for telling aspies that they should be high achievers - this can put far too much pressure on people who already have many extra challenges. We cannot all be high achievers. Not all of us want to be high achievers. Many of us will feel we have to be high achievers because it's what's expected. Please don't add on any extra pressure, achievement and success is not always academic or economic or in the public eye.

The Special Voice This is less about what is being said and more about the way it is said. This is the slow, concerned, condescending, patronising voice some people start using when you tell them you have Aspergers even if they've known you a while. It's different from how they spoke to you before and is different from how they speak to other people. I don't know why people do it - I haven't suddenly stopped being able to understand English. I can hear your tone. Please, don't do it. It makes me feel really, really small.

I hope these have been somewhat useful. I hope you were able to read some of the sarcasm I through into it. There are plenty of things said to us on the spectrum every day, but I hope you can understand why what you're saying is problematic. Thanks for reading!

Blink and you miss it - the speed of vet student life

I’ve made it to Easter! Things have felt a bit like an uphill battle at times this term, but I still love being a vet student. I can barely believe first year is well over half way through – vet school is certainly a blink-and-you-miss-it experience. As much as I’m so happy to be here, I’m definitely enjoying a couple of days to process everything that has happened over the last seven weeks. I’ve allowed myself to indulge in knitting – I now have quite the collection of knitted staffies at various stages of development – baking hot cross bunnies and playing with Paddy, the neighbour’s cat! Kneading dough for the hot cross buns was really quite therapeutic and I was actually pretty pleased with the outcome (although they probably tasted a better than they looked!) I’ve done very little work other than writing a list for what I need to bring lambing and actually surprised myself at how easy I’ve found it to switch off. Not thinking about work and having a proper break has always been a real problem, but after nearly four years I’ve finally cracked it. I think it’s a really important skill to have – sounds simple enough, but actually being able to completely switch off from any work you have to do it’s actually a lot harder than it sounds.

I’ll be back working again tomorrow! I started so well thisterm, writing up lecture notes every night but slowly the early morning and commuting wore me out and I slipped. It means I have a fair few lectures that I still need to write up. They are certainly the most comprehensive set of notes I’ve ever written, and them combined with anatomy drawings to try and learn the names of bones and muscles and cranial nerves I feel quite well set up for revising. Although I have to admit, drawing has been a lot for my own pleasure as opposed to revision! Exams have been a bigger presence so far this semester – a change means we now need to pass every element rather than just passing modules overall, which has upped the pressure a bit. Although I know I am capable of getting 50% in an exam, it’s something that I am still starting to worry about.

This term may have been a short one but it was crammed fullof new information. As well as the lectures, dissections, histology practicals, and PBL sessions we’ve learnt how to do neurological, cardiovascular, respiratory and musculoskeletal exams and how to ultrasound. The dogs who helped out for our small animal practicals are amazingly well behaved and incredibly tolerant of us prodding and poking them. We did some clinical examinations on large animals as well – it was particularly fun handling alpacas (or rather, hoping the alpacas would walk more than 3 steps before dropping to the floor) and also having someone teaching us about foot trimming who was so concerned about the cows welfare. Looking after the neighbour’s cat for a few days has also given me a chance to practice clinical exams further. Paddy has been a great subject for neuro exams – he’s incredibly tolerant, although to be honest I think doing hemi-walking, hopping tests and wheelbarrow tests he thought were just rather strange cuddles! I was even surprised that he let me knuckle his paws without pulling them away wondering what I was doing. His welfare was definitely my priority and I never did more than one test in a row before I gave him his dinner.

I’ve got a lot more involved with our animal welfare and behaviour group this semester. I have a lot of ideas and felt like I wasn’t really as involved as I would like. I created a logo idea which was good fun as I’m not the most talented when it comes to computers (I was also just using paint, so it was hard work!) and also helped with this terms discussion group. Our topic was religious slaughter and I was a little worried about the wording we used. The groups that have questionable slaughter methods are also the groups that are the highest targeted for hate crimes – and often when non-stun slaughter methods are brought up a lot of people who don’t actually care about animal welfare jump on the band wagon to bash religious groups. It’s something I certainly don’t want to be associated with, but it turned out that my worry was unnecessary within our discussion – we mostly came to the conclusion that issues with slaughter were much wider than religious slaughter and there are much wider issues within the industry that need looking into. I got really quite anxious before the discussion – I think it was because I had a bit more of a role than at the first one before Christmas. I said nothing at the first discussion but this time I did say a bit – but I really need to work on my confidence at speaking up! I had quite a bit more to say, but didn’t feel I could say it – I know it’s something I need to work on, and I’m sure I will get better with practice but other than that I’m not quite sure how to improve! 

I’ve also designed a potential new logo for our VetSoc. It was another one done just using a scanned in image and paint but I think I managed to be a bit neater than on the AWBS logo! I joined our vet school choir which was really good fun – I hadn’t been in a choir since school. I forgot how much fun it was to take over a classroom in the evening, rearrange the tables and chairs and just sing. Looking forward to the next rehearsal!

Thehardest part of this term has been making a tough decision about my gerbil, Dawson. I had been monitoring him for a long time, as he had a scent gland tumour, but a couple of weeks ago he went downhill. I knew that I was going to have to make the decision to have him put to sleep, but after a lecture about recognising pain and suffering I suddenly worried that I may have allowed him to suffer. That was something I found really hard to bear – after all Dawson had done for me, he got me through my final year of animal science and helped me get my 2.1 I had to make sure I did best by him. Euthanasia is a blessing and a curse. It means we can end our pets’ suffering but knowing when is the best time to put an animal to sleep is tough. We can’t ask our pets if they’ve had enough, if it’s time although I know I certainly asked Dawson to let me know when it was time. With animals, we are able to make this decision but we can’t ask them if it’s the right one – in humans, we’re able to let doctors know when we’ve had enough but they can do nothing about it. Being so busy, I didn’t have much time to process what had happened and instead my thoughts ran away with worrying that I had allowed him to suffer, that I hadn’t made the decision sooner. Having had more time, I know I didn’t allow him to suffer unnecessarily. Up until the weekend before I had him put down, he was acting normally even when he didn’t know I was watching. He was eating, drinking, digging, jumping (even the big gap between the chair and sofa in my lounge), and interacting with his brother. I was monitoring him for pain with my downloaded rodent pain chart, his coat was well groomed and his tail was still wagging. On the day I took him to the vet, he lay quite still in my hands but when anyone else tried to hold him he became much more active. I hope that means that maybe I got to know how he was feeling a bit sooner than some people might, and so I made the decision sooner, before he really began to suffer. I really hope he trusted me, and I feel like he did. It was probably a coincidence, and probably should read anything into it – although, it does no one any harm and it made me feel better so whatever – but I was sat talking to Dawson before driving down to the vet. He was in a travel pod, and I was stroking him, telling him what was going to happen and I asked him again to tell me if I was making the right call. He suddenly climbed into my hand and wagged his tail – and I took this as his answer. I don’t regret at all making the decision to end his life, neither do I regret waiting until that day to do it. One thing I hate is that I couldn’t be with him in his last moments – because of how it happens, he was taken away from me, and that hurts. He was with strangers in his last moments, and that is something I can’t change. I brought him back home, so his brother could see him. I did worry about how Flash would cope on his own, but he’s been doing okay (and is still just as made as always!). He looked at Dawson for a long time and then climbed on top of him. Something I should have done was to show the budgie – she looked for him for a few days, I didn’t realise just how much she noticed them. Euthanasia is a big responsibility as a vet, but I hope that being able to help an animal, to end its suffering, to give it a peaceful ending will also be a blessing.

On to something more cheerful and less deep, I will be lambing in less than a week! I can barely wait! I am really looking forward to getting stuck in again, and helping bring some new lives into the world. I love lambing, although, ask me again in about four weeks and you might get a different response! Lambing is hard work – physically, mentally and emotionally – and it’s seriously tiring but I always get the best sleep during lambing placements. It might make no sense, because there is so little sleep involved but actually the quality is great because you end up crashing into bed and completely passing out for a couple of hours! Lambing also serves as a sort of reset for me – because you end up so busy there is very little time to think about anything else. I’m also hoping it will be a good boost for losing weight – I’ve already managed to lose about 2 stone but I know the pounds tend to drop of lambing for three weeks.

Vet school is certainly getting tougher, but I am still enjoying it. There are certainly areas I need to work on, but actually finding out what might help me to improve on them is a whole issue in itself! The next four weeks are going to be a blur and soon the year will be over. Just got to hang on and try and enjoy it while it lasts I guess!

So the first set of vet school exams are over rounding off my first semester at vet school. I don’t know anyone who likes exams and I am no exception, but I am pleased with how these exams felt. I have never felt so calm in the lead up to exams – I still felt stressed and the anxiety still crept in at times but really things have been so much worst in the past. I’ve always maintained when trying to organise exam adjustments for previous exams, that the stress I was feeling would be less once I reached vet school. Exams have always been massively stressful – I can’t quite explain why, because I don’t fully understand why myself. It didn’t help that I used to pile extra pressure on myself, because it was pass the exams to a high enough standard so that I could get the right grades to get into vet school. It got worse during my first degree because I had already not done as well in my A levels as I’d wanted, and so the pressure was – do well enough to get a 2.1 or there is no way you’re getting in. Doing this lot of exams, the added pressure was gone. I’m already here. I’ve also never done exams where the exams were worth less than 60% (that I can remember). Because of the different assessment methods and different weighting that was another bit of pressure taken off. That, and the fact that I had already passed two modules and nearly passed a third! Already passing is of course not an excuse just not to try – I still revised, but I got less stressed, less overwhelmed, less worked up. Revision was more relaxed so I took more in, realised that I knew more than I thought and I really think that helped me to perform much closer to my best that I have ever been able to in the past. Christmas was really great. Having a break to reflect and relax couldn’t have come sooner. It was nice not having to get up and get on a train. My favourite present has got to be from my parents. Genetics and Behaviour of Domestic Animals by Temple Grandin and Mark J. Deesing. I’m really interested in behaviour and I find genetic aspects particularly interesting – it’s one of the reasons I chose to focus my animal science dissertation of the genetic basis of aggression in dogs. Temple Grandin is also a hero of mine – she has a great understanding of large animal behaviour and has such huge involvement in advocating both for improving livestock handling systems and for people with autistic spectrum disorders. The fact that she has been able to not only overcome additional challenges those on the spectrum have to face, she’s been able to use it to her advantage – which is something I really hope that I will be able to achieve in the not too distant future. I haven’t had too much time to have a real read of it but now exams are over, I will be burying myself in it for a few days! I also completed my first EMS placement which was a nice way to kick start the year. I am now a big fan of goats, especially bouncy kids – although it is amazing how loud they can be! Celebrating the end of exams has never been one of my strong points. But I am accepting that going out is just not really my thing. Maybe occasionally, but certainly not after pushing pretty hard for a few weeks. For me, going out is simply not the best thing for unwinding and rewarding myself for getting through exams. Instead, I’ve finally found my own style – lush bath bombs, reading, writing a blog post and getting an early night! I was also treated to take away food of my choice, which was lovely. I’m looking forward to a long weekend, but even more to getting stuck back in to semester 2.

The last few weeks have been long and hard – lots of handling assessments, coursework deadlines, and a mock consultation as well as starting the build-up to the first lot of exams – so things have been pretty stressful. I've even managed to leave my own little legacy - by drawing the new vet soc logo!

Communication is something which worries me. Having a condition that is characterised by having difficulties with communications skills (especially non-verbals); understanding and interacting in social situations; and understanding and empathising with other people means that I am constantly worried about whether I’m going to get something wrong in communicating. I get really anxious that this is going to hold me back, especially when it comes to being a vet. I think having communication workshops have been really, really helpful. Actually, I think a lot more people should do them (certainly some of the doctors on Holby...). Communication is the biggest part of veterinary. It’s a skill that I know is massively important, which has probably not helped my anxiety.

The workshops have actually showed me that I am probably better at communicating than I thought. I worry about my eye contact, but I have been working on it for years and as long as I don’t think about it, it’s actually better than I think. It can go a bit awry in certain situations (normally regarding talking about some of my own feelings which makes me just stupidly uncomfortable, my anxiety go off the scale and me to melt down just a bit sometimes) but generally, I think I’ve put in a lot of work and it’s paid off.

People on the Autistic Spectrum are often seen and described as not having empathy. I think this may be true for some people, but it’s also true for people who aren’t on the spectrum. I really care about people and I can empathise. It’s something that just worries me because whatever you read, it’s mentioned and empathy is important in building rapport with clients and in effectively communicating. Have I mentioned already how important communication skills are? You can see how I can cause myself more worry than I need...

I completely worked myself up over doing a mock consultation. I don’t know why, really, as it wasn’t an assessment. It was purely for learning. I ended up frustrated with myself because I completely lost it for a minute. Having been a student ambassador for my school during my last degree I knew how anxious I could get before open and visit days. My anxiety had managed to step up a bit, but on those days I would be a pacing bag of nerves, and somehow as the days kicked off, I found a switch and got on with it. I felt so disappointed that I didn’t seem to find this switch when I needed it this time. My lecturer really helped me out, made the situation less stressful and I tried again. And hey, taking out one element I wasn’t so bad. Although I was seriously disappointed I think I’m more proud because all I wanted to do during those few minutes was run for the hills!

As well as learning that I am actually not that bad at communicating we did a workshop on learning styles and personality types. I learn primarily visually (by watching) and kinaesthetically (by doing). I think this makes sense for me, as I do struggle to take on board information if someone is verbally telling me. I find too much information or too many instructions just told to me like that a little overwhelming and also any background noise or other things in the environment that could result in a bit of a sensory overload mean it’s not going to go in.

The personality types was more interesting – I don’t know whether people can really be pigeon-holed, and I think some people may be split or can even vary depending on their mood. It was interesting to see how differently the personality type groups worked in the session though, particularly the expressive people! My personality type came out as analytical – I am more introverted than extroverted and more thinking than feeling. I tend to agree on the most part. I’m probably more introverted than maybe I thought, but then again it varies depending on how I’m feeling, what’s going on in my life etc. Generally social situations are stressful for me, but I’m not sure how much that’s to do with being introverted and how much it’s to do with being on the spectrum and terrified of making mistakes/ misreading situations and so on.

Stereotypical analyticals are not fans of physical contact. I think I fit with this for the most part, because any kind of physical contact makes me feel awkward and panicky and I just don’t know what to do with it. But then, being the contrary person that I am, I sometimes feel I could really do with a hug, but the idea of a hug freaks me out and then I overthink it and blah. I’m certainly never going to be a huggy person, but I have got better with physical contact, in that I can hug people I know really well and I don’t freak out when people make physical contact. I’m certainly better if I don’t get the chance to think about it (I knew someone on my previous course that just had no respect for personal space and I just got used to it), so maybe it’s just a case of working on my flight zone (had to throw in a handling reference...)

I did find the dog breeds that had been matched up to the personality types quite interesting. The whippet had been assigned to the analytical type and funnily enough I have had someone decide that if I was a dog breed I would be a greyhound (a bit like a big whippet) before. They decided this because they see me as a bit aloof and highly strung (I jump at my own shadow, no joke). I can also (and maybe this comes as a surprise looking at me) move pretty fast. Not for very long, it’s a very short burst of speed but I have surprised a few people in the past! I was thinking about what type of horse I would be before doing this workshop as well, and I decided I would probably be a hotblood like a thoroughbred (again, not going on my physique... my BCS would not be ideal for racing) but I spook easily, am actually fairly springy in the way I move (I know I look like a plodder but I do bounce and I think that it probably makes moving far more painful with my hypermobility etc. because springing makes it far easier to subluxate joints...) and I often have too much energy (when I’m not chronically fatigued), I just can’t use it up without putting myself in pain. Think I fail at being a human sometime...!

Although I’ve found I’m actually not the worst communicator, have still been having problems with communication. I am really not good at communicating how I’m feeling and this has been becoming a bit of a problem recently. My anxiety has been super high and I’ve just not felt I can talk to anyone – probably because I’ve convinced myself I can’t and the worse I feel the harder it gets. Hoping that a break will be a good thing!

Yesterday we had a visit at the vet school from someone at least the students (if not a few of the staff too!) were pretty excited about. Noel Fitzpatrick (a.k.a. the Super Vet) has played a role in setting up the new vet school and his first visit to us came at a really good time. I had certainly started to feel the strain and was starting to really need the Christmas break but having Noel visit has renewed my enthusiasm and reminded me of exactly why I’m here. He is such an enthusiastic individual who genuinely cares about animals, who seemed just as excited to meet us as we were to meet him. It reminded me that I have come a hell of a long way to be here – and I’m actually not half as stupid as I think sometimes as I have made it to vet school. And I’m here to be a vet, the career I have been chasing since I was a child – the only career I could really imagine myself doing. It was a great reminder that I have made the best choice of vet schools for me and I am so grateful Surrey chose to offer me a place.

This whole semester has simultaneously felt like forever and gone by in a blur. Even though things have been tough and I am seriously glad that Christmas is only 2 days away, it has been the best time of my life so far. I had a goal that I wanted to be able to actually enjoy vet school in a way I haven’t really managed with anything else. My whole life I have been trying to get here, so sometimes I missed things or didn’t enjoy the moments, the little things because I was looking to the next thing that would get me here. I regret that a bit, but I can’t go back so I wanted to make sure that I don’t do the same here – and only look to the future. Sure, I’ve already found what right now sounds like the perfect residency (in Veterinary Behaviour) and we’re obviously being prepared to be the best vets in our future careers. But I also feel that I’ve managed this goal so far – and I’m really proud of myself and all I’ve achieved in the last few weeks. Here’s to a break that results in renewed energy and enthusiasm.

#SurreyNotSorry