Not Okay

Sixth week into internship and I still haven’t fully adjusted to everything. I thought at first that it had something to do with internship itself or the changing rotations every 2 weeks but now I think it’s more than that. 

I’ve been feeling restless but lazy at the same time. I rarely get excited when I’m in the hospital unlike during the previous year. I always end up unfocused and unmotivated whenever I try to study or even think about studying which is almost every night. I’ve even said out loud that I don’t think I want to be here anymore - something I have NEVER done before. 

I really haven’t been feeling like myself lately... I’ve been trying not to think deeply about it (my brain: you’ve got no time for that sinkhole because life is happening) until the people closest to me started pointing it out. 

During clerkship year, I don’t want to say that I was on fire, but there was a constant spark of warmth inside me. Always, every day. I loved what I was doing, I knew why I was here. And day in day out, I do my best to make time for my priorities. In hindsight, it must have been tiring but I was too busy living my dream to dwell on the tiredness, both physically and emotionally. That wave of being in action carried on until the one month break. I wanted to make the most of it before one whole year in the hospital. 

I think it’s just now that the tiredness from the previous year is slowly creeping in. I feel weight where there shouldn’t be any yet. I question myself, and life in general, everyday.

Will things get better? Will I feel better? 

Well there’s no other way to find out than by trying. :) 

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”“ -- 2 Corinthians 12:9

14 June 2019  -  Hoan Kiem Lake

Hello, tumblr, I’m back!!!

Third week into my last year of Med school and I’ve been struggling to find a daily routine that would work best for me this internship year. I honestly don’t know why I’m already tired, probably because of the weekly adjustment and struggle of finding my footing into another new rotation (Burn, SICU, and ORL for this week), but hopefully will get my bearings soon. Throughout the tiredness, I always try to remind myself of the goals I set for this school year and one of those is to try to write again. Looked back through my drafts in here and a lot has happened that I have yet to write about (and process) and I’m excited to look back and reminisce hehe.

But for now, it’s time to study about ORL anatomy yaaay (huhu)

Grief is a funny thing.

05 April 2018 1:52AM

“But I swear, you find the best things when you’re not looking for them.” :) 

So many reasons to be happy and kilig but also so many reasons to break down and freeze in anxiety. Lord, guide me so I’ll look in the right direction and manage my time wisely. Huhu. 46 days before the Ultimate ICC Faith Week a.k.a. Finals/Compre/Grand OSCE week. 

Kilig. Huhu.

“I’ll celebrate the truth, His work in me ain’t through, I’m just unfinished.”

04 March 2018 || De La Salle University, Binan, Laguna Photo taken before the start of Palarong Med Day 2! 

Random sanity post in the middle of cramming my Family Medicine Wellness Report draft that I completely forgot is due today. It’s been a while since I had my usual Sunday all-nighter (ish) in preparation for the coming week. I forgot how peaceful it feels like to work when the world is quiet and I feel like it’s just me and my playlist. Although it’s 3am and I’m panicking slightly but it’s okaaaay, all is good. Life is good lately, and I’m thankful. :) 

This is also a reminder to self to post about the past month (!!!!!!!!) HUHU so I don’t forget! And to start fixing my life and get back to being at least 70% student mode in preparation for finals, compre and grand OSCE. (!!!)

23 February 2018 3:29AM

I can’t believe this month is almost at its end.

Four events down and three more to go! The past weeks of preparations have been tiring but also the most fulfilling and fun. I’m forever grateful to be working with people who, through their actions, remind me over and over that work doesn’t feel like work when you love it. :) This month has also been humbling - it made me realize that you really can’t handle things (and feelings) all on your own even though it’s what you’re used to doing - and that’s perfectly okay. I’ve never been the kind of person who finds sharing my innermost thoughts and worries easy and I’m glad to have people I’m comfortable enough with to do that just beside meee. Last but not the least, the past several weeks have been filled with so much love. Idk I think I have so much love to give (HAHAHAHAHAHA) and this was the perfect recipient and in return, I got so much more love (and support!) than I gave out - from my sisses, our partners, beneficiaries, friends, and my family.

SO MANY LEARNINGS AND FEELINGS AND UGHHHHH. This month is just making me realize that I can do so much more and be someone so much better. At this moment though, I also really miss studying and being a regular med student but yaaah, accumulating all the motivation and inspiration first before I go back to that. :) Thank You. So so much.

05 February 2018 Caritas Month Exhibit Opening

A big weight lifted off my shoulders because this weekend made me realize that I should stop worrying (too much) about these amazing girls. Ahhhhh. The past few weeks have been stressful and should have drained me emotionally but magically didn’t (!!!) and I have these girls and my batchmates to thank. 2017 was not the best year for me so I started 2018 with high hopes and so far, everything’s been going well. Having new people in life is great - it’s giving me more things to look forward to! 

Always always thankful for this family. 

26 September 2017

Today marks the official end of Phi Service Month! Coincidentally, today is also the most relaxing (surprisingly), enjoyable, and self-reflecting(???) day of ICC, so far~ 

For the past few days, I’ve been trying to see where and how I should start on getting a handle on things again so I could make the most out of our Integrated Clinical Clerk year - the year rumored to be the easiest one, and when you’ll have the most time. I’m so happy because I finally felt the push to get my life organized again instead of just living week by week, feeling like I’m barely hanging on to the edge of an imaginary cliff. I feel like I’m returning to the old me that I lost at some point during second year of med school, amidst all the exams, work, stress, lack of sleep, exhaustion, etcetera, and I really couldn’t be any more content now. :) Ahhh. Sure, there’s still work, there are still problems, there’s still stress, but being given more time for myself to breathe and relax and focus is honestly so refreshing and it did wonders to my mindset, and I’m thankful. 

Having more time is a double-edged sword, though. It’s so easy to get lost especially when you have the talent to spend hours online without noticing said hours pass by... That’s why I’ve been spending the past few days writing on my tumblr a lot, thinking, reading Med blogs, listening to good music. I’m trying to find my center, choz. I’m trying to organize my thoughts and prioritize. I’m setting my goals for the year! I’m looking forward to actually being busy doing things I love! HUHU. Thank you, Lord, for this year - the breather we all need. :) 

Non-related photo? Was just really happy to have had Makchang with my Caritas babies today hehe~

23 September 2017 12:53AM

It frustrates me how I can't have control over things that are going wrong, over things I want to change the most. Life has been frustrating and maddening recently, and sometimes my heart just breaks over the littlest of things. This isn't a little thing though... But I'm grateful for people who are like sunshine for these dark days - I'm grateful for people I can always come home to.

18 July 2017 || Shifen Waterfalls

8.22.17 Told myself I’d update this over the summer and yet here I am making my first post in more than a month. And it’s barely an update post, huhu. If I could escape back to Taiwan right now, I would. Or to anywhere else, really. I don’t know… Huge changes in just a span of a few days and I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I just do the bare minimum required from me now and I hate it. I need to get my life back on track but I think I need a breather first. Next week is going to be especially hard but I cannot wait for the first long weekend of September. 

For now, just hold on self. You have been happy before. You deserve better. :) 

AND PLS DO YOUR WORK HUHUHUHU ASLFJAKLSFJHDGK BAWI YEAR IN ALL ASPECTS REMEMBER??? U GOT THIS

Lifting it all up to You. Please.

AMSEP CSMU Taiwan x Philippines 2017

Manila, Philippines

Photos from the golden era when I still had time and I still liked to run outside. I’ve been wanting to post appreciation/grateful photosets and posts about the recent happenings in my life but I’ve been too lazy to write. So here’s a photoset that has been in my drafts for literally years. LOL at myself. Been looking through my drafts because I wanted to post past travels (e.g. Vietnam 2016) -- because being a travel blogger is THE goal HAHAHAHAHA half char -- but I got distracted because I was surprised that my draft folder contains a lot of things... I’ll go through them one by one to finish and post all once I’ve worked up the drive to post about end-of-LU4 things. 

But basically, I’m just really thankful for a lot of things. That’s the general theme of the end of my school year and the start of this midyear break: thankfulness. Hopefully I’ll pass this start-of-summer laziness phase to write all my feelings away so I’ll have something to look back on during ICC year. :)