no offense but like…. more saving…… more doing…… that’s the power of home depot

wound up on the USDA agricultural research service website for info on a plant and got a popup asking if i’d like to sign up for email updates. i am not someone who usually does this, but i was most definitely not expecting to be offered an email service from the USDA this evening and decided why the fuck not. after typing in my email, i was taken to another page with a dropdown menu, and in short this is how i discovered that not only does the USDA agricultural research service offer email updates, but you can sign up for text message updates too, and goddamn if i’m not gonna blindly jump on that strange and unexpected opportunity 

i want to update this saying that i’ve been receiving USDA text alerts for under 24 hours and the only two ive gotten so far are 1. a text reminding me to ‘certify my acres by july 15th’ and 2. one asking if i’d like to ‘participate in or extend my CRP contract’. i have no idea what either of these things mean but both times they came through as a push notification and for a solid 20 seconds instilled the fear of god into me as i 100% believed i had not one but two deadlines fast approaching for my nonexistent acreage 

oh yeah baby

3/7/18

this is a call out post for my little trash man who wont let me go anywhere

just in case anyone wanted to see him in action

Me bustin open the Church doors during service and running towards the Baptism pool:

This is the funniest fucking tag on this post

The San Francisco Examiner, California, February 25, 1935

Sometimes I think humankind hasn’t changed at all. 

I dunno about the average man but I think we can make an educated guess about the person who wrote this article.

I sent a letter today - something I haven’t done for years

It’s full of plastic bread clips

It’s for Science

At the risk of loosing some mystery, I think I should add some context:

There’s this website-I mean, scientific organization called the Holotypic Occlupanid Reasurch Group.

They are a group of abiologists who study and classify Bread clips.

I found a species that has not yet been described:

Yay for citizen science 👍

wtf?

Apparently HORG is widely appreciated by pediatricians since knowing exactly what kind of Occlupanid a child may have swallowed makes removing it safely much easier

HOLY SHIT HORG IS BACK ON MY DASH!!! Also I’m so glad that they help pediatricians, that’s very nice.

Foot

The beans are growing nicely this year.

if ur feeling desperately sad this summer, wait until it gets dark and half quiet and then open a window. cool air and passing cars are gonna heal ur heart. i promise

I’ll take “things people who don’t understand clinical depression say” for $500,Alec.

hmmm interesting theory considering how I’m on 40 mg of Prozac daily & see a therapist regularly bcuz I’m actively suicidal the majority of the time but sure, go ahead & be a dick on my light hearted post about something small u can do to momentarily relieve some of the crushing burden on ur life lol

*sees everybody moving to reddit*

thats it, this is the funniest addition to any of my posts ever

i threw a bunch of vines into a shakespearean translator and they’re all great great but this one is definitely my favorite:

“Love looks with the heart, not with the mind, and therefore, Cupid is blind wench. I ain’t nev'r gonna cease loving thee… wench”

huh!?

Y’ALL SEEING THIS???

When women want to fuck monsters:

When men want to fuck monsters:

Conclusion: men are fucking cowards.

I laughed out loud in the middle of a staff meeting.

I have yet to see a “not all men” and I’m surprised. 

via @trillgutterbug

If Dr. Seuss Books Were Titled According to Their Subtexts

my theatre teacher has all of these on a wall in his classroom.