MagnusPod Shitposts, Probably

plunged into the deep end

Bothering the beast

Nothing bad will happen to them!!

One of my favorite things is taking someone to the Great Lakes for the first time - or describing how you can fly over them and see only hundreds of miles of glittering blue water and no coasts at all; how they have their own Coast Guard (the only lakes to do so); that the Earth's rotation steers their currents; that they're studied using ocean models; that they have wrecked more than 6000 ships - and watch them realize that the word "lake" is misleading and that they had no idea of the size and majesty of them at all.

Some fun facts about her majesty, Lake Superior:

One of the things I resent most about being Animal Brain Apex Predator trapped in Maximum Productivity Society is that I have to work when the weather is gross, instead of following my natural instinct to burrow myself into something dry and soft and sleep until Optimal Foraging Conditions

It is dark and cold and wet and miserable and I have a warm dark quiet hideaway full of food and drinking water that is safe from interlopers and for some ungodly reason instead of holing up there to conserve my energy, I am standing up in a brightly lit beige room for several hours. A possum wouldn't put up with this shit. I'm going to bite someone

imagine if doorways grew back like scabbed over with fresh drywall and you had to keep carving them back out with a jabsaw to keep the doorway clear etc

Imagine if the membranes recoiled in pain every time you did this. Imagine if over time, some doorways became accustomed sensation. Imagine that very rarely, some even seemed to enjoy it.

*sleepover host voice* imagine if you two went to sleep

Oh for gods sake kids it’s like piercing an ear - that’s why you put a doorframe in - you don’t hang a door in drywall, you gremlins. You frame the door. It’s like those gauges that people put in their ears - the hole stays. It won’t scab over with a doorframe in it. You’ve lived around doors you whole life, you little clowns. Lights out

Oh my goodness what an honor to be Calvin’s dad

imagine if doorways grew back like scabbed over with fresh drywall and you had to keep carving them back out with a jabsaw to keep the doorway clear etc

Imagine if the membranes recoiled in pain every time you did this. Imagine if over time, some doorways became accustomed sensation. Imagine that very rarely, some even seemed to enjoy it.

*sleepover host voice* imagine if you two went to sleep

Oh for gods sake kids it’s like piercing an ear - that’s why you put a doorframe in - you don’t hang a door in drywall, you gremlins. You frame the door. It’s like those gauges that people put in their ears - the hole stays. It won’t scab over with a doorframe in it. You’ve lived around doors you whole life, you little clowns. Lights out

Oh my goodness what an honor to be Calvin’s dad

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

this joke would get the exact same reaction in 1870 that it gets in 2021 and I love that about it

Imagine walking into an Italian restaurant, looking the other customers in their eyes and saying, “wait, this place serves pasta? What’s pasta? I’ve never even heard of pasta, but it’s probably not good.” 

that is what you sound like when you’re a Tumblr user who has never heard of Cecil Palmer

[ID: screenshot of two Tumblr tags. The first reads, “well of course they haven’t had pasta”, and the second reads “not since the ban on wheat and wheat byproducts.” End ID.]

dont be funnier than me on my own post

Church of Whale Fall