Memories Been Made-9 months of touring with a baby
I gave birth to Schwa on October 21st, 2015, about 5 months before we released our last record United Crushers. It’s been an adventure touring a new record with my new baby on my hip; hooked to my boob most of the time. Anytime it’s hard I am the first to remind myself I chose to do this so I have nothing to complain about. People have actual hard lives outside of their control but this is something I chose to do. His passport is filled- he’s even been as far as Australia. We have been greeted by venues with baby bottles, bibs and Nappies. Most venues have been very accommodating but at the end of the day I’m not Adele and I play rock clubs that often have vomit in the corners and smoke stained air. Venues don’t seem to say ever “oh Poliça is bringing a baby; we should clean the backstage bathroom for the first time in 5 years.” Our “office” is grimy, moldy and full of germs and so much of my day is spent sanitizing toys, washing hands and dropping elderberry and zinc down both our throats.
Bringing a baby on the road is about being creative, patient and a good listener to baby cues-which I sometimes am. Our schedule is constantly changing like our environment. I try to provide some consistent things for Schwa like the ability to nap no matter where we are by having a good baby carrier that I can strap him on me in and dance the halls of airports, ferries or parks to rock him to sleep. We walk outside everyday and look for semi clean places to crawl around because he is at the age of exploration and he is obsessed with being on the move. It’s about having a bag of books to look at from home that we read over and over again. We watch videos of his favorite person-his big sister Pela-reading books to him. I have to admit that I deal with post partum depression, like many mothers, and touring has both compounded and relieved the darkness and isolation of depression at different times. I am grateful to be able to keep working/performing with Poliça but I am often so tired and disconnected from the person who wrote the songs I’m singing I end up confused on stage. In front of a crowd I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable in my body. I feel like being a mom has engulfed me and I feel the opposite of the singer and songwriter who helped form Poliça. I’m only "mother" and a tired mother. I love my kids and mourning the life I had before them is in tandem with also loving the life I have with them. The feelings exist at the same time. I eat dinner with Schwa at about 5 every night. We find some baby friendly situation in every city and I cut up half my dinner in 12 month old size bites. He’s pretty well behaved in restaurants because of this life style. He likes to eat and he likes to yell and smile at everyone else in the restaurant. I put him down to sleep in the bus and then the nanny I’ve brought on tour takes over while I nap a little, catch up on emails or FaceTime my 8 year old daughter at home in Minneapolis. Then I shower and get dressed for the show. I slowly sip a few cups of matcha which will be the source of any energy on stage. If that matcha doesn’t work because I’ve only had three hours of sleep the night before with an hour nap besides that, then I drink a can of coke onstage. Sometimes when I’m on stage I think about sleeping and my eyes shut while I sing. Sometimes when I’m on stage I think “this is the perfect situation for cocaine if I wasn’t breastfeeding.” Again I love my son and I’m lucky to not have to leave him at daycare. We are very connected and well attached because he goes where I go. I’m sure he will grow to be independent and resilient because he’s dealt with a lot of changes and rolled with the punches. I’ve seen the world through his eyes and he’s my little travel companion but I also look forward to leaving him at home while I go to work and to perform without kids in tow; knowing they are happy and safe sound asleep in a bed that doesn’t require a set belt. It’s been a wild ride and a million memories have been made touring with a baby but I would not do it again and thanks to birth control I will make sure it never happens again.