so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

what an amazing story

ITS BACK

How to find fanfic from the olden days

So you’ve discovered some old 90’s show and damn, you so want to read the fic for that, but you can’t find it. It’s from The Olden Days before Tumblr, before AO3, and in some cases, even before Livejournal and fanfiction.net. It was in the days of Geocities. It was NOT in the days of yahoo groups because even I don’t know how to take you back in time that far. But I did recently go and dig up all the old Star Trek: Voyager fic so let me show you how to proceed. Here be dragons, of course. Also vampire slayers. Warrior princesses. The smoking dude from the X-Files, whatever his name. And lots and lots and lots of Star Trek. 

Lastly, remember that fandom was dominated by straight white women for a long time and the earlier you go, the more infuriated you’ll probably be by depictions of POC and queer folk. Keep in mind that a lot of the fic was written while the show or book series was still ongoing, so sometimes big revelations etc. will not be featured. Sometimes, new versions of canon didn’t exist yet - for example, LotR fic was solely book fandom fic before the movies. 

Respect your elders when you encounter weird fandom quirks of those days. This is free fic archived for your pleasure, don’t be a dick about it.

— Francesca Coppa, “Introduction to The Dwarf’s Tale,” The Fanfiction Reader (via francescacoppa)

Someone put it into words. I gotta sit down

have a ficlet

Pin-up

 December 1978.

The firstthing Sirius did when he came home was kick his bed. He did it with such power that it bumped against the wall, making one of his landlords shout, “Hey!” from the flat below. The dark-haired beauty on the pin-up across the bed threw him an irritated look over her shoulder before lying back down on the beach, presenting her scantily-clad back.

Weiterlesen

You know, it’s been about twenty (!!!) years since I started fleshing out this Sirius, and to this day I haven’t found a fanfic writer who explored his undoubtedly difficult relationship with Dumbledore. That guy gave up on him via hearsay. Where is that fic?

horse people are weird

what does this mean

horses can see demons

@betterbemeta are you able to translate this? Is it true horses can see netherbeings?? Will we ever know the extent of their powers???

I think I have reblogged this before but I’ll answer it again bc its a fascinating answer I feel and i was more funny than informational last time.

The truth is that horses see what they think are nether beings, I guess. They have a perfect storm of sensory perception that, useful for prey beings, marks false positives on mortal danger all the time. Which is advantageous to a flight-based prey species: running from danger when you’re super fast is much ‘cheaper’ than fighting, so you waste almost nothing from running from a threat that’s not there. Versus, you blow everything if you don’t see a threat that is there.

Horses also have their eyes positioned on the sides of their heads, which gives them an incredible range of peripheral vision almost around their entire body with only a few blind spots you can sneak up on them in. But this comes at the cost of binocular vision; they can only judge distance for things straight ahead of them. Super useful for preventing predators sneaking up from the sides or behind, but useless for recognizing familiar shapes with the precision we can.

Basically we now have a walking couch with anxiety its going to get attacked at any second, that can see almost everything, but mostly only out of the corner of its eye. It has a few blind spots and anything that suddenly appears out of them is terrifying to it. Combine that with that it actually has far superior low-light vision than us, and that its ears can swivel in any directions like radar dishes, and you’ve basically given a nervous wreck a highly accurate but imprecise danger-dar.

To be concise: all horses, even the most chill horses, on some level believe they are living in a survival horror.

This means that you could approach it in a flapping poncho and if it can’t recognize your shape as human, they mistake you for SATAN… or you could pass this one broken down tractor you’ve passed 100 times on a trail ride, but today is the day it will ATTACK… or your horse could feel a horsefly bite from its blind spot and MAMA, I’VE BEEN HIT!!!… or you could both approach a fallen log in the woods but in the low light your horse is going to see the tree rings as THE EYE OF MORDOR.

However, they actually have kind of a cool compensation for this– they are social animals, and instinctively look towards leadership. In the wild or out at pasture, this is their most willful, pushy, decisive leader horse who decides where to go and where it’s safe. But humans often take this role both as riders and on the ground. They are always watching and feeling for human reactions to things. This is why moving in a calm, decisive way and always giving clear commands is key to working with this kind of animal. Confusing commands, screaming, panic, visible distress, and chaos will signal to a horse that you, brave leader are freaked out… so it should freak out too!

On one hand, you’ll get horses that will decide that they are the leader and you are not, so getting them to listen to you can be tough– requiring patience and skill more than force. On the other hand, a good enough rider and a well-trained horse (or a horse with specialized training) can venture into dangerous situations, loud and scary environments, etc. calmly and confidently.

The joke in OP though is that many horses that are bred to be very fast, like thoroughbreds, are also bred and encouraged to be high-energy and highstrung. Making them more anxious and prone to seeing those ‘demons.’ All horses in a sense are going to be your anxious friend, but racehorses and polo ponies and other sport horses can sometimes be your anxious friend that thinks they live in Silent Hill.

Reblogging some horse knowledge for certain people who write fantasy books but know nothing about horses *cough cough*

How to find fanfic from the olden days

So you’ve discovered some old 90’s show and damn, you so want to read the fic for that, but you can’t find it. It’s from The Olden Days before Tumblr, before AO3, and in some cases, even before Livejournal and fanfiction.net. It was in the days of Geocities. It was NOT in the days of yahoo groups because even I don’t know how to take you back in time that far. But I did recently go and dig up all the old Star Trek: Voyager fic so let me show you how to proceed. Here be dragons, of course. Also vampire slayers. Warrior princesses. The smoking dude from the X-Files, whatever his name. And lots and lots and lots of Star Trek. 

Lastly, remember that fandom was dominated by straight white women for a long time and the earlier you go, the more infuriated you’ll probably be by depictions of POC and queer folk. Keep in mind that a lot of the fic was written while the show or book series was still ongoing, so sometimes big revelations etc. will not be featured. Sometimes, new versions of canon didn’t exist yet - for example, LotR fic was solely book fandom fic before the movies. 

Respect your elders when you encounter weird fandom quirks of those days. This is free fic archived for your pleasure, don’t be a dick about it.

have a ficlet

Pin-up

 December 1978.

The firstthing Sirius did when he came home was kick his bed. He did it with such power that it bumped against the wall, making one of his landlords shout, “Hey!” from the flat below. The dark-haired beauty on the pin-up across the bed threw him an irritated look over her shoulder before lying back down on the beach, presenting her scantily-clad back.

Weiterlesen

You know, it's been about twenty (!!!) years since I started fleshing out this Sirius, and to this day I haven't found a fanfic writer who explored his undoubtedly difficult relationship with Dumbledore. That guy gave up on him via hearsay. Where is that fic?

CRIMSON PEAK (2015)

— Holy Sh*t: A Brief History of Swearing by Melissa Mohr - A Review (via tylerweaver)

being gay is fun and cool until youre around heteros and theyre saying things. Then being gay feels significantly less fun and cool

Correction: If you’re around HOMOPHOBES and they’re saying things.

this is a perfect example of heteros saying things and ruining my fun

Happy birthday, sabaceanbabe! :)

The first time Annie lays eyes on Finnick Odair, she’s twelve years old and it’s her first Reaping Day. She knows she doesn’t have to be afraid; a female volunteer will step up, all of Greenbeach has been whispering about it, and Annie will be safe. But she still finds herself trembling like a leaf; people call her delicate. 

Annie isn’t reaped. Landa Molere steps up for the fifteen-year-old who is. Meanwhile nobody steps up for the boy, who’s from the Middletown square, not from hers, and who’s fourteen, a fishermen’s brat, tall and ocean-weathered skin, climbing the stairs to the stage up on the screen. Annie stares at him. He’s pretty, no acne scars, but that won’t help him in there, because fourteen-year-olds don’t win.

His close-up hovering above them bigger than life, Finnick Odair glances at the camera although he should have learned in Games school that you shouldn’t, scared, moribund, licking his lips. Then he waves, tentatively, not at the camera but at the crowd, and a second later, Middletown’s applause is ringing through the speakers. Another second later, everybody around Annie, in Greenbeach has joined in. He’s dead but he’s theirs, and he’s asked. 

Annie might be delicate but all the women in her family are tall, and she’ll hit a growth spurt when she’s older, everybody says. Her back will get stronger, from swimming classes at Games school, and so will her arms; eventually she’ll stand a chance. But that will be then, and she wonders if the boy on the screen would have grown even taller than he is now, if he’d have considered volunteering at eighteen, what he’d have looked like as an adult man.

It shouldn’t matter, because he’ll be back to Four in a coffin, and Annie is safe for a year.

But she could have been that boy, female and twelve but just as dead, and it does. 

Just randomly thought about this one