Wow, Weird to be back.
I used this blog to help me cope with so many different things in my life, until I got sick. The disease spread like fire coursing through my veins and it took away every single part of me. Until, almost, there was nothing left. The disease quickly affected my friends and family forcing me to push them away and distance myself from anyone who got close. As one by one people left and fell away from me, even strangers having their own awful thoughts about me I sank into a hole. It enveloped me. The worst feeling was I let it take me, with no fight at all. I grew to like the darkness despite how anxiety inducing it was, I enjoyed all of the colours fading in my worlds, I became so numb I dragged blades across my skin and closed all of my doors to everyone so I could be completely alone. No one to see, no one to hear and nobody to judge, how I looked or how I felt or what I thought. So I escaped into other lands, beautiful, intriguing, excitable, safe and even cute, scary or fluffy. Music became a vice, Social media became a vice, Anime became a vice and I would constantly dream about being able to game. When I was young I felt the same wonder, the weightless feeling of pure ecstasy. But along my way to adulthood I lost this. Aggressive arguments at home, sexual assault, bullying, self harming and fighting with my own sister made everything so overwhelming. I exhausted myself by constantly trying to keep everyone afloat. Except myself. As dramatic as it sounds I really enjoyed it, making people happy made me happy, but as the praise and recognition got less and less I found myself going to extreme measures to feel ANYTHING. I have been like this my whole life. But the biggest knock in the head was just over 5 years ago. My Ex Boyfriend. He came up seemingly out of nowhere and was very lovely and polite, seemed to have issues of his own and it made me happy to help give him some time away from his struggles at home. Then the red flags. The drug misuse, the ghosting and playing me and another person off against each other for his own personal gain. I needed to escape my own life too so I played up to the act, pretending I didn't care either and pretending I enjoyed constantly doing drugs or drinking. This went on for a very long time, I couldn't focus on anything my whole world moved at a million times an hour and all I did was stick on autopilot and get lost in my own head. 5 Years later I am 22 and 51 weeks old right now. I have a boyfriend who loves me, I am reconnecting with important people in my life and most importantly, I feel the most myself than I think I ever have in my entire life. I might not ever fully recover from some of the awful experiences that I have gone through but I am so ready to become who I want to be. I have my dream job in mind, my dream house in sight and the best partner by my side. I am so incredibly fortunate to have everyone I love coming back into my life and massively lucky that I had an audience to help me. Every single person who ever liked, messaged or reblogged anything I've ever posted I am so grateful. Stick around to see what I do next? Ellie =^-^=
