life hack: date a guy who’s tall enough to always be looking at you from the same angle you take selfies from

this one scene in the latest simpsons episode got dangerously close to classic simpsons levels of heartfelt

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Baby Yoda origin story

why don't people in zombie apocalypse stories ever just wear suits of armor? you think any zombie is gonna get their shitty rotting jaws through this?

I'm gonna rip and tear my way through the zombie apocalypse completely unharmed because none of the undead hoards will be able to get through my plate mail

everyone else is like "oh we gotta stay inside the most secure places possible and never leave" and I'll be storming through the wastelands in my bloodstained suit of armor, blasting the Doom (2016) OST and plowing my way through waves of the undead. one of them tries to bite me but his shitty rotting teeth don't even leave a dent in my armor before I turn his head into paste. I'll be unstoppable until I die of dehydration or something like an idiot

this goes along with my other pet peeve about zombie apocalypse stories, namely: why does no one ever think to ride a bike? 

bikes are quiet- if the zombies react to loud noises, they won’t hear you on a bike the way they might hear you in a car. bikes don’t need gas, meaning you won’t be stranded if you run out. bikes are much, much easier to maintain than a car- there’s no computer that can short out, no fiddly engine bits that could kill you if you mess with them wrong. you can learn how to maintain a bike with a couple weeks’ worth of classes. almost every adult knows how to ride a bike, and without cars on the road, it’d be much safer to do. 

what i’m saying is

Oh it got better

(good save)

Bad idea for a Romantic Comedy The Chief of Police is married to a Mob Boss, and they have to keep “just failing” to catch each other. When one of them hits the other in a shootout, it’s followed with “Oh I’m never going to hear the end of this…”

“So how was your day at work?” “YOU FUCKING SHOT ME! THAT WAS MY DAY AT WORK!”

We clearly have different definitions of bad.

hot take i know its fun to joke about it because how school systems have treated us all poorly and made us out to believe that we are stupid but none of you are stupid. none of you are stupid. there are so many types of intelligence and just because yours isnt the one that lets you excel in a broken system that doesnt mean youre stupid

the smell of Home Depot is cathartic

fairies live in the lights & chandeliers section, gnomes live in the outdoor gardening department

Stop romanticizing home depot

pixies live in the paint aisle. fuck you

interviewer: ppl claim you’re immortal

Keanu:

He'a growing his beard back to start the cycle all over again.

OMG???? FUCKING EMERGANCY

Amazing takes on Jo Rioux’s drawthisinyourstyle challenge on Instagram by Dasha Goysan, Hieu Nguyen, Tereza Grollmusová, Shirouu, Rick Wang,  Aveline Stokart, Muzzammil Jamaludin, Tatyana Chernakova and Gabrielle Ragusi

https://www.instagram.com/p/B2eYb2AlrsE/?igshid=1f4tlapylohow

Ah, to be a sleepy prison guard on the way to a chair by the cell of an adventurer… Maybe I will wear my oversize ring of keys extra loose tonight.. who knows what could happen if I were to uh… doze off.. ;)

I have found the greatest video ever.

New Sitcom Idea

A lesbian couple gets a shocking surprise one day when God (played by Laverne Cox) shows up at their door. Upset at how humans had turned her message of love and acceptance into a message of hate and discrimination, she decides it’s time to send Jesus back to earth and wants the lesbian couple to raise Jesus. Hilarity ensues.

No need for homophobic or transphobic jokes when you can have exchanges like “Ma'am your son turned the water fountain into wine again and got all the other students drunk” “Jesus Christ.” “….. I’m not sure if that’s suppose to be you responding to me or you requesting to speak to him.”

Also jokes about infinity-“Ask your mom”.

Kid: “Mom, can I sleep over at John’s place?”

Mom #1: “Oh, I don’t know, sweetie. Ask your mom.”

Kid: “Mom, can I sleep over at John’s?”

Mom #2: “I don’t know, have you asked your mom already?”

Kid praying: “Mom, can I sleep over at John’s place?”

God: “Have you asked your moms already?”

OH MY GOD YALL ARE KILLING IT

Title: Jesus, Mary & Josephine

FUCKING YES

I kind of don’t care if I’m going to hell. This is hilarious, and I would watch it.

this totally made me think of this post

it got better