“My worth gets diminished as I am reminded that I have “failed” on the marriage and carriage counts. Me! This bold, liberated, independent woman. I mean, I work out, eat well, I mostly show up to work on time,I’m a good friend, a solid daughter, a hard worker, my credit is good,I take out the garbage before it gets smelly, I recycle, and I won a Golden Globe! I’m killing it! So, why? Why do I get snagged this way?As if all that I have done and who I am doesn’t matter….
Frankly, I often get a little confused. So, here is something I have done way more than I care to admit: Trying to gather the courage to tell my ex (whom I love by the way) that I want to date other people even though we were no longer together—we are broken up and have been! And during this last bout of doing just that, I did what enlightened ladies do and I got out my journal. I’m sitting there freewriting, maybe conversing with my inner child, and I write down: MY LIFE IS MINE. My life is mine.
Those words stopped me in my tracks and honestly brought so many tears to my eyes. So many tears to my eyes. Seems so obvious, but obviously it wasn’t. Because I have NOT been living my life as if it was my own.I mean to a certain extent yes but on a deep level no. So, if my life is actually mine…then I have to really live it for myself. I have to put myself first and not be looking for permission to do so.
But, when I put myself first, what comes back at me from well-meaning people—most men, social media, random ladies at the gym, Mike Pence,whoever—they tell me in all sorts of ways that I am being selfish,pushy, aggressive, controlling, relentless, stubborn, a slut, a nag,oh, and my favorite, a ball breaker, because god forbid a few balls get broken along the way.
When we put ourselves first by doing things like saying no, speaking up,sleeping with who we want, eating what our bodies intuitively tell us to eat,wearing training bra’s instead of push up bras, posting a picture without using Facetune…we are condemned for thinking for ourselves and being ourselves,and being ourselves, for owning our experiences, our bodies, and our lives.
That kind of stuff is seen as threatening and scary and it’s certainly not what the patriarchy had in mind. Join me for a moment and imagine: What would it be like for women to completely own our own power, to have agency over our own glory and our sexuality, not in order to create a product or to sell it, or to feel worthy of love, or use it as a tool for safety, but instead as a WAY OF BEING? Imagine that…truly owning our own power, agency, and sexuality.
I am trying to gather all this energy around me, step into it, and match it with my realization that my life is mine. My “I am the chooser, 45-year-old life” …is MINE. It’s no coincidence that these two forces are meeting at the same time. So here I am sorting out what MY LIFE looks like when it’s fully mine. It takes a certain bravery to do that. It means risking being misunderstood, perceived as alone and broken, having no one to focus on, fall into or hide behind, having to be my own support and having to stretch and find family love and connection outside of the traditional places. But, I want to do it. I want to be the Brave Me, the real me, the one whose life is my own.”