not to alarm anyone but there is a fictional man loose in my brain. keep an eye out.
Photography by october blue (away) on Flickr
thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.
this changed it all
Guy who fakes his death every time he gets mildly embarrassed about something he did
c’mon everybody!!! *runs off excitedly and no one follows me*
24.03.2024 | 4 PM
graves grow no green that you can use.
gwendolyn brooks