today I learned that if you want to slash someone’s tires, don’t slash all four; only slash three because if you slash all four their insurance will pay for it but if you only slash three they have to pay for it all out of pocket 

today on satan makes a blog post

Life tip: if someone slashes 3 of your tires, slash the 4th one yourself and blame it on the person who slashed the first 3. Now, your insurance will pay for it.

Life tip: If you slash 3 of their tires, hide out nearby until they discover their slashed tires. Take pictures of them slashing their fourth tire. Show police when they arrive on scene. Convicted of insurance fraud and still have to pay for tires.

i feel like i’m reading a Spy vs Spy comic in text format

This is so good

when the date arrives late

date: hey! sorry i’m late.

me: hey! Nice to meet you, where you been? (Blank Space™. Single by Taylor Swift from the album 1989 released November 10, 2014. Format: CD single, digital downloaded. Genre: Electropop. Length: 3:51. Writers: Taylor Swift, Max Martin, Shellback. Producers: Max Martin, Shellback. Big Machine Records© All Rights Reserved)

trans gothic

- a trans woman publicly comes out. shes beautiful. another trans woman comes out. shes beautiful. another trans woman was murdered. she was beautiful.

- everyone knows a trans man. you are friends with a trans man. your cis friends even know a trans man. people talk in hushed voices about trans men they know. the media is silent. trans men dont exist.

- it’s quiet around you. someone find out that youre trans. ‘have you had the surgery?’ they ask. have you had The Surgery? you dont know what surgery theyre talking about. you dont know what surgery youre supposed to have. your appointment is in 3 days.

- you come out to your parents. ‘we love you’ they say. your birth name echoes in their minds. we love you. they misgender you daily. they misgender and misname you in front of your friends. we love you. they havent kicked you out yet. they remind you every day that they are Good because they havent kicked you out. they misgender you. they misname you. we love you. we love you. we love you.

- when you come out to your friends, they make an effort. they switch names depending on the situation. they keep you safe in front of those youre not out to. in private they correctly gender and use your name. your friends keep you safe. time passes. you both stop caring. they use your name with everyone. they use the correct pronouns with everyone. no one seems to care or notice. you are safe. 

- gender neutral bathrooms are starting to appear everywhere. every store and every restaurant has a new bathroom attached. they keep appearing. you dont know where theyre coming from. you feel safe. you dont know where theyre coming from, but youre not afraid.

- a child asks if youre a boy or a girl. you cant answer, you dont know how to explain. their mom hushes them quickly and walks away. youre confused. the child is confused. the mother knows. the mother always knows. the kid doesnt care.

- another child asks if youre a boy or a girl. ‘no’ you answer. the child looks you up and down. ‘okay’. the child doesnt care. 

A normal day in band

Band director: Ok, let’s play that section one more time!

Me:

When your lady on her period.

this got  funnier as it went

“Don’t call her a bitch but

GET YOUR BITCH SOME CHOCOLATE”

Facts 😂

There needs to be some sort of induction ceremony

This is the only comedy sketch that doesn’t make fun of women and their period. It try’s to make you relies how weird and annoying periods really are. That’s really refreshing

kazoo. not even once.

Person being interviewed: that’s all she really does…ever since she bought that 5 dollar kazoo… Person on couch: [aggressively kazooing darude - sandstorm]

Pastel Diamond Sweater

This is the level I need to be at

Idk what I find more amusing, the vine or the fact that Shakira approves of it

SEND THIS TO SOMEONE WITH NO CONTEXT