why did the cake is a lie become the like most quoted portal thing when literally everything glados said was funnier 

“Look, we both said a lot of things that *you’re* going to regret.”

“Maybe you should marry that thing since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it. WELL I WONT LET YOU. how does that feel?”

“Nice job breaking it, hero”

“Look at you. sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle…piloting a blimp”

Like this bitch had a goldmine of good lines

“Maybe after you finish this test, I’ll let you take the elevator all the way up to the break room… and I’ll tell you about the time I saw the deer again.”

“It’s a mystery I’ll have to solve later. By myself. Because you’ll be dead.”

“Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by loud noise– * really loud ass train horn* “I’m sorry, I don’t know why that went off. Anyway, just an interesting science fact.“ 

“Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I’m serious, that’s what it says: A horrible person. We weren’t even testing for that.”

“Don’t let that ‘horrible person’ thing discourage you. It’s just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother’s decision to abandon you on a doorstep.”

”Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I’m sorry. You didn’t react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That’s why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.“

“Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version- [unintelligible] There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I’ll be right back.”

“This next test involves turrets. You remember them, right? They’re the pale spherical things that are full of bullets. Oh wait. That’s you in five seconds. Good luck.”

“That jumpsuit you’re wearing looks stupid. That’s not me talking, it’s right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks stupid. Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It’s a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!”

“Oh, hi. How are you holding up? Because I’m a POTATO.”

”Remember, these exhibits ARE interactive. Like a children’s museum. So that means the pits of acid are filled with REAL acid. Like at a WELL FUNDED children’s museum.“

“Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber…. is looking pretty good.”

I will never see popcorn the same… haha

why is this so funny 😂

an owl’s thoughts

i’d like to draw everyone’s attention to this portrait of a dog that’s in bella swans bedroom

i’d like to remind everyone that this dog portrait also appears in the music video for chandelier

Money doesn’t grow on trees but banks have branches

you know you're a 90s kid when your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles

the only adjectives in the english language:

1. tender

2. feral

3. horny

for your consideration

Why is Jesus Feral

- Killed a tree because he was angry that it didn’t give him fruit when it wasn’t fruit season

- Destroyed a bunch of tables and chased the owners with a whip

- Blew up and then acted like he didn’t know nobody (Mark 3:33)

- Yelled at his followers for interrupting his nap to let him know their boat was about to sink

- Healed a blind man by spitting on him

- Explicitly ordered his followers to steal a donkey for him

And that’s just the highlights from Mark.

Now who is Tender/Mild and Feral/Mild

BABY Jesus, specifically, is Tender and Mild

going to the grocery store when youre 20 makes your receipt look like this:

subtotal:                                 18.34

and you think about the $5 one for the rest of the day

going to the grocery store when youre 20 makes your receipt look like this:

subtotal:                                 18.34

and you think about the $5 one for the rest of the day

god i hate things

stuff makes me so mad

when i see items i fucking lose it

#2, Brute?

I made the ugliest noise.

It’s not even March. It’s literally more than 6 months till the ides of March. Why.

TODAY

kangaroo: (sees creature descend from the sky with a single giant multicoloured wing)

kangaroo: oh i am going to absolutely kick the shit out of that.

~~OPEN RP~~ “Mudkip” Mudkip mudkipped softly

“Blaziken!!” Blaziken blazikened loudly and punted Mudkip into orbit.