((Filling this in our RP group teamverse, in case anyone is confused))

The first time it happens, Tony is tired and grease-stained and stumbling his way to his quarters after a solid seventy-two hours in the workshop. There’s only a few people still awake in the tower at this time of night, and most of them have retreated to their own suites by now.

So Tony is surprised to discover that someone is actually talking to him, and he turns towards the voice sluggishly. “Huh?”

“Jesus, Stark, you don’t look like you should be able to stand at this point.”

Hill. Of course. At least it isn’t Fury hiding in dark corners again.

Tony scowls. “You sure know how to sweet talk a guy, don’t you?”

“My job description doesn’t include flirting with you, that’s Pepper’s job.”

He thinks she’s smirking at him, but everything is a little fuzzy by now. There’s a retort practically on the tip of his tongue, but instead he sways on his feet and leans against the wall.

“Alright, smart guy, I think the snark-off is gonna have to wait, let’s get you to your room.” Maria grabs one of his arms and throws it over her shoulders, bracing him with one of her own around his waist. “Last thing we need is someone finding your unconscious ass in the middle of the hall.”

“Aw, I knew that there was a fluffy, caring center underneath that concrete shell,” he snickers, turning to press an obnoxiously loud kiss to her forehead.

Come morning, he doesn’t remember his trek to bed. That is, until JARVIS shows him the security footage. Pepper cackles while he frantically checks himself for scars that indicate she came back for a vital organ as revenge.

——-

The second time is CPR.

There are Doombots attacking the city (honestly, doesn’t Doom have better things to do?), and one of them manages to get off a lucky shot that splits a hole in the armor, rattles his head hard enough to knock him out, and sends him crashing into the river.

When he comes to, his faceplate has been ripped off (guys, there are emergency releases, we’ve been over this, there was a PowerPoint!), and he is coughing up water. Hill is leaning over him, and Tony is able to turn his head far enough to see the Hulk pacing behind her, growling at the hovering medical staff behind him.

“Did someone have to kiss me this time?” he croaks.

Hill rolls her eyes, but looks relieved as she sits back on her heels. “If it makes it any better, Hulk protected your honor by keeping strangers from attempting it. And I’ll make sure to purge any pictures of it from the internet for you. I don’t kiss and tell, after all.”

—–

The third time is shortly after the stray spell decides it would be fun to out him in a female body. He would be happy to ride this one out in his own torn jeans and grease stained t-shirts, but Hill ends up convincing him that a trip out to obtain some more form flattering clothes is in order.

Tony is thankful that she applies the same laser-focus to shopping as she does to missions. What could have been an all day struggle for him alone is wrapped up before lunch. Tony slumps in an uncomfortable mall food court chair, already annoyed at how sitting certain ways are now more difficult or downright uncomfortable.

“Don’t look so down,” Hill - no, Maria, she’s seen his tits out today while bra shopping, they are beyond the point of first names - says sympathetically, coming up behind him. She sets a smoothie cup down beside him, then ruffles his hair and kisses his cheek. “Give it a few days, and you’ll get used to it.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” he mutters, glaring back at the two older women a few tables down who keep whispering to each other and shooting Tony and Maria disapproving looks.

—–

The fourth time doesn’t come until his body and mind are his own once more, after his run in with HYDRA and Loki’s scepter.

Waking up in medical this time feels like trying to swim up through mollasses. He becomes aware of himself in bits and pieces, first the feral of the IV in his arm, the heaviness of hid eyelids, the ache in his head, and the restraints binding him to the bed.

He inhales sharply and starts to struggle until there’s a hand on his shoulder, gently pressing him back down. “Easy, Tony, easy. We got you back, you’re safe. Just breathe.”

“Maria?” Sluggishly, he turns his head to the sound of her voice and cracks his eyes open to squint at her.

“Right here, Stark. I’m going to check your eyes, okay? We need to make sure it’s actually you in there now.”

He only flinches a little as she shines the penlight in his eyes, and is relieved to feel her loosening the restraints a moment later. He rubs at the marks his wrists, instinctively feels for the arc reactor in his chest, and then freezes when his hands settle over his stomach - his decidedly flat stomach. “She’s - where did she - did they take her?” His volume has increased to the point of his voice cracking, and he can hear the heart monitor beside him going crazy.

“Tony. Tony! She’s safe! You gave birth while they still had you, but they didn’t find her before we got there. We got her out at the same time as you. She’s with Clint, and she’s safe, I swear to you on my life.”

His breath escapes him in a rush as he slumps back on the pillows. There are pinpricks of moisture at the corners of his eyes, but he couldn’t care less at this moment. “Thank fucking god,” he gasps, and before he can process it, he’s half laughing and half crying in relief.

There’s a hand on his forehead, brushing back his bangs so that Maria can press a soft kiss to his forehead as he falls apart a little.

—–

The fifth time doesn’t happen until the day she comes to tell him that Ultron has been wiped off the face of the Earth.

It feels like he has been carrying one of his suits on his back for months and finally gets to set it down, so strong is the relief. He stands there, staring at her, dumbstruck, for several long moments.

Then, he was crossing the room with quick, long strides and grabbing her by the shoulders. He kissed her left cheek, then her right, and then kissed her right on the damn mouth, before pulling her in for a hug tight enough to crack bones. “Grazie. Grazie mille, Maria, I can never repay you for this.”