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"Then why aren’t we doing it?"
"Your wish is my command..."
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"If all you’re going to do is insult me, then get out. If you’re really up for some fun, then shut up and start thinking.”
"I already know something fun we can do."
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"Like what? Picking on the fat kids in the park? That isn’t my idea of fun, Wade."
"No, your idea of fun is mugging helpless people on the street."
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"Yes. And you can like it, of you can fuck off."
"Wow, rude. Come on, lets do something fun."
▁ ▂ ▄ ▅ ▆ ▇ █ [ Text ] █ ▇ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▂ ▁
❝I think Emmy has a new boyfriend.❞
"Surprise! Surprise!"
"New boyfriend, you say, as if you ever actually counted as one."
❝--I did!
...You are aware I tapped that once, right?❞
"You kissed."
"She was fourteen."
"And you never did anything more."
❝Come on, everybody wants a slice of this sexy pie. I bet'cha she's sitting at home right now frothing over the thought of me, waiting for me t' call her up.❞
"Riiiight."
"So call her up then. Put her outta her misery."
❝Fine. I will.❞
ıllıllı [ "Hello?" ] ıllıllı
❝Emmy, my favouritest little bitch in the entire universe, what's up?❞
ıllıllı [ "Wade, this is not a good time right now." ] ıllıllı
❝Oh, you getting laid?❞
ıllıllı [ "No--" ] ıllıllı
❝You wanna?❞
ıllıllı [ "Fuck off, Wilson." ] ıllıllı
❝So that's a no???❞
ıllıllı [ "Yes that is a NO!" ] ıllıllı
❝You wanna hang out then?❞
ıllıllı [ "Like I said, Wade, this ain't a good time." ] ıllıllı
It never fucking is. ❝Got'cha.❞
ıllıllı [ "Okay, see you around." ] ıllıllı
❝Nah, you won't.❞
{ C A L L E N D E D }
Emmy fucking Damon. The way I wrote that made it look like Emmy is fucking Damon. In all truth, she probably is. See the thing about Emmy Damon is that she's precious. Not in a My Little Pony meets Barbie sort of way (OMG! DID YOU SEE THE BARBIE & THE NUTCRACKER? B-E-A-U-TIFUL!!!)...But precious as in valuable, I guess is what I'm tryna say. To sum it up: she makes my dick hard, my brain melt, my heart hurt, and my lips smile. You could call her my kryptonite...purely theoretical though because I ain't a pussy who actually has a weakness like kryptonite. Superman is such an underpants wearing crack head)... Do you notice I'm getting meaner and my language is getting fouler? That's called the Emmy Damon Effect: Coming soon to a Hell near you. Sign up now to get a free sample (I take no returns. I have no liability for any suicidal thoughts or horrifically emotional breakdowns you may have in relation to this product.) Emmy Damon is a waste of my time. She don't wanna be my friend any more. And I gotta accept that. Except I can't. Because that fucked up dwarf is the bane of my existence. She hates me for leaving, but what prize did I get? I got turned into this. That's the kicker. If I'd have stuck around, I probably would never have ended up being Deadpool. I'd have remained Wade Wilson. And Emmy might never have met Blue, then joined S.H.I.E.L.D. Chances are, we'd have stuck together, maybe even got together. We're so fucked up, we probably would have had a couple of kids by now, too. All of us living in a caravan in a trailer park some place. Emmy with a chronic smoking habit and me an alcoholic with boundary issues. Our kids would hate us, resent us, wish we were dead, and then flee from their home as fast as they can and more twisted than anyone before them. It'd be me and Emmy again then. She'd have multiple affairs and I'd dabble in cross-dressing in her clothes and wanking over myself. We'd hate each other yet never leave each other. We'd argue more than we actually spoke to each other. And she wouldn't wanna be my friend any more. Then one day, one beautiful day, Emmy would stab me to death in my own caravan kitchen. She'd set me alight in our patch of garden but then the stupid bitch would fall asleep with the fire raging on outside. Before she knows it, the caravan is engulfed in flames and she burns to a crisp. We both die angry at each other, and our kids don't mourn us. And then that's it. Our story ends. Doesn't that sound like the dream?! Shame I ran away and my face got all gross. Maybe it still could have happened. But with that frosty god of green eyes interested in Emmy, and with Captain Americunt marching around her, I don't stand a chance again. That's the worst part of all this. Me and Emmy are the past now. I am her old best-friend, not her current one. An old crush, not a current one. The first love of her life, not the last one. I used to know her, but I don't no more. She's more of a stranger to me than a companion. A memory rather than a reality. And she don't wanna be my friend any more.
{ I N C O M I N G C A L L }
❝Hello?❞
ıllıllı [ "Hey, Wade. It's Emmy." ] ıllıllı
❝M'kay...❞
ıllıllı [ "Do you want to come over?" ] ıllıllı
❝Why?❞
ıllıllı [ "So we can hang out." ] ıllıllı
❝I thought it wasn't a good time?❞
ıllıllı [ "It wasn't. But I sorted that issue out now and I got some free time. And, if you've finished being a moody little shit, I'd like you to come over so you can claim that pizza I just ordered you." ] ıllıllı
❝Cheese?❞
ıllıllı [ "Pineapple." ] ıllıllı
❝I fucking love you, woman.❞
ıllıllı [ "I'll take that as a yes. See you soon." ] ıllıllı
{ C A L L E N D E D}
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"I shouldn’t have come here. I should have known all you’d do is take the piss." She dropped the katana on the floor and turned towards the door. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes.
Wade gasped then picked up his katana and stroked it.
"It's okay, baby, I got you now. That evil pancake won't hurt you any more."
He glanced up defensively at Emmy.
"Where are you going?"
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"Subtle."
She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. Closing her eyes, she saw a familiar pair of emeralds staring back at her. A shudder ran down her spine.
"I keep dreaming of him."
Wade knew exactly who she was talking about. The God of Strangeness or something.
"The pizza guy? Yeah, me too. Except in my dreams he's always bringing curry instead of pizza. Freaks me out."
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Guiltily, Emmy looked away from Wade. She had tried to kill herself. Not quite intentionally, more like a reaction to stress and a product of her mental instability, but she had tried nonetheless. A good ol’ slice of the wrists. More a cry of help than an ending of her own life. It was only after she had woken up from passing out that she realized what she’d done. I was so stupid.
"I don’t want your stupid pancakes, Wade."
"Hey--These pancakes are not stupid, Emmy. They have feelings and thoughts. They might be dark thoughts and tough feelings, but they're feelings nonetheless. Sure, they may have a hard time coping with said feelings, but that doesn't mean their lives are over. They are beautiful pancakes with people who love them!"
Was he actually relating Emmy to a plate of gross pancakes? Yes, yes, he was.
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"Uhh…no thanks."
Emmy scrunched her nose at the sight of the pancakes.
"Uh…yeah, I tried. Afterwards. After I found out."
Wade's 'Emmy senses' were tingling. He knew there was a link missing somewhere. He knew he should have been wondering how is wifey--as he now called her--was immortal. But there was something niggling away at him. Duh. She tried to off herself. Yeah, after she found out she could heal. No...before. What?! That's how she found out she could she could heal. Oh...shit, dude, you might be right. I AM RIGHT!!!
"Emmy. I'm gonna ask you a question, 'kay? Did you try to kill yourself before you found out? No judgement here. Though a little judgement because WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? Okay, no, I'm sorry. I'm calm. Calmy, calm, calm...Pancake?" He held the moldy pancakes up again.
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"I don’t…I don’t know. I mean, the evidence suggests I can. But…But I don’t know how."
She stared at him helplessly. Wade was the first person she thought of when she discovered her new ability. It’s a shame he wasn’t somebody she thought of before she found her new skills, perhaps then she could have avoided this whole disturbing mess.
"Do you want a pancake?"
He handed her a mold-covered covered plate full of rotting pancakes. He learned that offering food was a method of being comforting.
"So...have you tried offing yourself? I mean...you might be immortal. Don't off yourself though if you haven't done so already. I do not recommend it. Because yanno, you might not wake up again. And then there ya go...Whoops, accidental suicide."
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"Wait for it."
A few seconds after she spoke, the signs started to show. The skin on her arm tightened and a strange tingling feeling rippled across the scar. And then that was it. The arm started to patch itself up, the scar healing and disappearing from sight.
"YOU CAN HEAL?"
Wade laughed and whimpered at the same time. His fingers delicately stroked the arm, his mind racing with questions and theories.
"Holy shit. Lemme stab you."
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Taking a deep breath, Emmy took off her jacket. There was still blood on her white shirt from her earlier experiments.
"Okay, uh…"
With force, she stabbed the katana into her arm, slicing from wrist to shoulder. The pain was sharp and almost unbearable, but the disbelief and curiosity was the prompt for her to continue. The wound was deep, nearly a slice right through her arm. The blood dripped dangerously onto Wade’s floorboards. "Sorry about the mess."
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Wade glanced between the katana, Emmy's arm, and the blood dripping on the floor. Is this one of those weird sexy dreams I'm having? Where really disturbing shit happens and I'm both aroused and disgusted.
"Uh... Listen. I'm not sure what is happening. But if this is meant to turn me on, I think you're strangely achieving it."
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Emmy took the katana, a nervous expression on her face.
"Okay — Don’t shit your pants, Wade. But…Well…I gotta show you something."
"I already shit 'em."
He tapped his foot impatiently.
"Get on with it."
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Emmy sighed, rolling her eyes.
"I’m not getting naked, Wade."
She glanced around his apartment, searching for something decent to use. When she couldn’t find something useful on sight, she took to rifling through drawers and boxes.
"Jesus, Wade, for a maniac you’d think you’d keep something sharp around. Gimme a knife or some shit."
Not wanting to watch her invade his privacy by searching through his stuff, Wade took a sip of his coca cola before practicing his best surprised face in the mirror.
"Poetic."
He squinted at her before lifting up the sofa and pulling out one of his katana's. He handed it to her, a smirk evident on his face.
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Emmy stood there, her hands trembling. Her dark eyes focused intently on the person opposite her. Slowly and unsteadily she spoke.
"Listen — Don’t freak out, okay? I just…I gotta show you this."
Wade eyed Emmy with unimpressed eyes. She had woken him up from a deep sleep and he wasn't amused.
"Are you going to get naked? Because I'm ninety-nine point nine percent sure I don't care about what you're going to do next unless it involves you stripping off."
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When they got to the bottom step, she sat down on it and stared confusedly up at Wade. “But then who will be my dad? If my first dad is in heaven, doesn’t that mean somebody else has to be my dad? It won’t be fair if I don’t get another one.” Her bottom lip jutted out.
Wade sighed, rolled his eyes, and then sat next to the inquisitive child. "Look, kid, you don't get another dad. I didn't get another one. Nobody does." But Emmy did. Well you did kill her first one. Yeah but come on, he was a dick. Still her dad though. Not her real one. "But hey, I'm your uncle Wade, right? I've known your mom since she was the same age you are now. And I ain't promising anything, but if you ever feel like you need somebody to talk to that isn't your mom or Tony or Pepper, you come to me little ginge."