talk to me like the rain

told my therapist i’m transmasc, we talked about a lot of stuff about why it’s coming up now and what it all means and basically just, confirming that i’ve gotta say it out loud soon. She had me say it again at the end of our session and I realized I don’t know what words I want to use yet, I went with transmasc nonbinary cause it felt like it explained it outright but it’s not quite right either, I’ll find it though

then she said it back to me. and i cried

i have to say it out loud soon and it’s going to be hard but it’s only going to get easier.

i’m transmasc, I am nb, I am a lil guy, I am a small queer man (lowercase man, like how you say min at the end of silverman. queerman)

now i just have to tell my straight boyfriend that i am not a woman and that we have to talk about identity and sexuality now.

oof

I've said for a bit now that with my family I don't have a lot of issues with gendered words but over the last couple days this voice in my head is getting louder about telling my partner that I'm closer to boy then I am girl. I've been quietly NB for years (longer than even I thought cause I conveniently forgot that I was trying to figure this all out more than 5 years ago to the point of buying a packer.. but then a couple months ago it was all "where did this come from I feel like a fake cause I've never even thought about it before". Sorry hun no you just buried the memory of it), but I've been "dating a straight boy" for 4.5 years and now I feel like saying that is invalidating to me. Cause if he's straight and dating me then I'm a woman.

I thought I was fine with the core people (my immediate family & Connor) using whatever pronouns and words for me, but now I don't think Connor fits that anymore. I need to feel like he doesn't see me as a woman, and I think it's been a problem for a bit that I only just sorted out..

And honestly thank u to sex education season 3 for the Cal/Jackson arc cause that hit me like a ton of bricks, I've buried this part of me and this need from my partner and Cal pointed right at it and now I can't ignore it.

I'm working really hard in therapy to figure out who I am and what that means, and how to listen to that part of me. Find what's me and what's other people, other influences. I still really gravitate to people and things that feel like a mirror but I'm thinking that I have started to figure out what's an idealized mirror and what is a genuine reflection of me, so I was nervous about this draw to the Cal/Jackson relationship but I think it's one of the good mirrors. The deep urge to tell Connor I'm not a woman, period, and that I need him to do some work on his own, feels like a direct line to the core of me and it's a little frightening to feel it and to know that and to know it could really shift a lot both inside me and outside.

This became a therapy journal entry I'm sorry I just need a bit of encouragement to say it out loud and am not sure where to turn for it

I can't believe i feel like this right now

I've been waiting for and wanting this for so long and now I'm here and it's like I've got one foot out saying this isn't real or I'm not being genuine or I don't deserve it or my poor little 16 y/o self just entirely unable to cope with any

I'm a mess. I don't know who I am. But at least a photo of me felt right today.

I think I'm a boy