a pop up just randomly came up but I couldn’t see it and it just yelled ARE YOU A GIRL OR A BOY I was so scared

I read American Girl books as a child, so whenever I hear “raise the roof” I think of a barn-raising party where a  bunch of people build a barn and then have a disco

“hi princess u got kik?”

how about i give you a swift kik to your balls

my friend texted me “my mom got me one of those egg-shaped lip balms for easter but it just feels like i’m rubbing a fruity lube-y dick on my lips”

there are two girls at my school who have gay sex because they don’t want to have sex with their boyfriends because that’s against the bible

saturday night a guy literally said “I promise I’m not sexist”

like oh, you promise i’m sorry

I can’t believe YOLO was 2012. Yolo was two years ago.

the fact Edward has a recurring inner dialogue about how he can’t tell if Bella is scared or horny when she’s around him

imagine one day he desperately asks Jasper whether Bella is horny and Jasper’s just like I beg your fucking pardon

sometimes i remember that the CIA sent a woman to kill castro and instead she changed her mind and slept with him instead. imagine the CIA to fund your trip to cuba so you could fuck castro. legend.

vibe check! (bursts into tears)

The Oliviabot has been sent from the future to warn us of a terrible calamity, but we’ll never understand her message because she can only communicate one word at a time.

america

*goes up to a lesbian couple* so which of u is the cheetah (built for speed in open areas) and which of u is the jaguar (built for strength and stealth in wooded foresty areas)

there is literally no logical, emotional, aesthetic, philosophical, moral, or sexy reason for the sun to be gone at 4.30 pm 

Vampires can come out earlier

One sexy reason