If I told you, you would leave
Wow! OK, I can’t believe I actually finished this. I tend to start and never finish. So this is the first fan fic I have ever written and I’m not sure how all of this works but I hope you guys like this.
Warnings and Triggers: low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, eating disorder and dub-con
This is my fill on Prompt 1012.
Enjoy!
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“Hey, babe.”
That’s the first thing Blaine heard when he stepped into the loft. Next thing he knew Kurt was pressing him against the door and kissing him passionately. Blaine moaned into the kiss.
“I like this greeting,” he whispered.
“Really? Well, there’s more where that came from,” Kurt replied with a smirk.
Kurt had been so affectionate lately. And Blaine loved that, but he’s just too tired for sex. After a day of classes, study group and working at the diner, he’s dead on his feet.
“Mmm… maybe next. I’m so tired right now,” he tried to press his lips to Kurt mouth, but Kurt frowned and turned away.
“You’ve said that every day for the past week. You’re always too tired. When will you stop being tired?”
“I’m sorry. I just got so much to do in one day that I just want to rest and hang out with you when I come back from the diner.”
“I’m busy and tired, too, but I still want you. Why can’t you just do this for me?”
“Kurt —”
“What’s the point of this? I hardly see you and when I do you don’t want me!” Kurt yelled.
Would you leave me?
“I always want you! Look, let me just drink some water and then we can do whatever you want. OK?” Blaine could feel a lump forming in his throat at the thought of Kurt leaving him. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you stay.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“OK. I’ll be waiting,” Kurt singsonged and trotted over to their bedroom.
After downing two glasses of water, Blaine felt better but still too tired to even think about sex. With a sigh he opened the door to the bedroom. Kurt was already stripping out of his shirt.
“Well, hello there,” Kurt pulled him in for another kiss. Blaine did his best to not appear worn out and kissed back enthusiastically. Kurt pushed him down on the bed and laid himself on top of him.
“Too many clothes,” he murmured against Blaine’s neck. He made quick work of both of their clothes and uncharacteristically threw them to the floor carelessly.
Blaine insisted on the doggy style, not wanting Kurt to see just how unaroused he was. Throughout it all Kurt kissed his back and told him how much he loved him, never realising how Blaine didn’t do much but let out the occasional fake moan.
When Kurt climaxed, he pretended to do so too and collapsed on the bed.
Kurt kissed his cheek and cleaned them up. Laying the duvet over them both, he cuddled Blaine, said a quick thank you and slept.
Despite being so tired he thought he might pass out, Blaine couldn’t sleep. His mind replayed the words Kurt had spat at him:
“What’s the point of this?”
If Kurt didn’t see the point to their relationship then Blaine would have to make him see just how much he loved him.
I love you, Kurt. I’ll prove it to you. I’ll do everything.
ª©ª
Blaine stepped into the loft with a single red rose. He spotted Kurt on the sofa watching TV and quietly crept up behind him. He took the rose and gently tickled Kurt’s nose with it.
“Oh my Gaga!” Kurt turned around and giggled at the sight of Blaine with the rose in his hand.
“My kind Sir, look what I came across on my way back to you,” Blaine giggled as he spoke with a faux British accent and held out the rose for Kurt to take.
“Why, you are too kind,” Kurt mimicked Blaine’s accent and took the proffered flower.
“I thought we might have a nice light supper and then spend the rest of this fine evening watching a film.”
“I believe I have a better idea: how about a nice light dinner and then spend the rest of this fine evening making love?”
“I — Of course. Anything you like,” Blaine said quickly.
“Good. Come on! Help me with supper,” Kurt dropped the British accent and trotted off to the kitchen.
ª©ª
Laying in bed, when Kurt was sated and already asleep next to him, Blaine cried. He never thought he would have to have sex when he didn’t want to. Tonight he had just wanted a romantic night with Kurt watching movies and sharing popcorn. He hadn’t been in the mood for sex. But he could say no and risk Kurt getting angry and leaving him. He loved him too much.
Without him I’m worthless. He’s the only person who loves me. Even though I’m fat and ugly. He loves me and I need to keep it that way. Starting with losing weight. Nothing can be done for my ugliness, I suppose. But I can be thin again. Then he’ll stay.
ª©ª
Blaine woke up an hour and a half early to go for a run and hit the gym. He stuck a note to his pillow telling Kurt he’ll be back soon and jogged out of the loft. With every step he took and every weight he lifted he reminded himself that Kurt will love him more when he is thin.
When he returned to the loft, Kurt was already dressed and cooking breakfast.
“Hey, where were you?” he asked.
“Just out for a run and the gym,” Blaine kissed Kurt on the cheek and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower.
“Blaine, breakfast is ready!”
“Coming!” he entered the kitchen, hair still moist and face flushed from the hot shower.
He dished himself a half the portion he would normally eat and only ate a bit of it.
“Don’t you want some more? You’ll be hungry today,” Kurt looked slightly concerned.
“No, I’m really not hungry,” and with that he got up to start cleaning everything up.
ª©ª
This went on for three weeks. Blaine hardly ate and soon his stomach caved in and he was always cold. He wore more layers than Kurt and drank lots of tea to keep himself warm. His complexion turned ashen in colour and his eyes lost their light.
When he stood half naked in front of the mirror one afternoon, all he could see was ugly.
Why am I so ugly and fat? What does Kurt see in me? I’m so… so worthless. I’m still the size of a whale.
The tears started rolling down his cheeks and he scratched at the mirror, trying to rip himself from it.
I’m a whore! I never say no to Kurt, just let him do whatever he wants with me.
But if I say no then he’ll leave me. He’ll see how ugly and fat I am and leave. Like everybody else did. I just want to hold on to him for a little while longer.
He didn’t notice Kurt had walked into the room. He didn’t hear him step towards him. It was only when he heard his own name spoken so lovingly that he turned around and saw Kurt standing behind him.
“Blaine. What happened? Why have you lost so much weight?” Kurt touched his protruding hip bones.
“Nothing. I’m fine,” Blaine quickly put his shirt back on and flopped down on the bed.
“Fine?! Blaine, this isn’t fine. In the last couple days I’ve noticed the way you always look so tired and sad and I’ve just been waiting for a day when we both have enough time to talk about it,” tears were welling up in Kurt’s eyes as he lay in front of Blaine and put his arm around him.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine.”
“Blaine, please. What’s going on?” Kurt pleaded. He just didn’t understand. He had noticed that Blaine ate less at breakfast but believed him when he said he just wasn’t hungry and was going to have a big lunch. And when he stopped eating supper, he took him at his word when he said he eats with his friends at the study group.
“I just wanted to not be ugly. So you would keep on loving me,” Blaine sniffed as he buried his face in Kurt’s neck.
“Blaine, I’m never going to stop loving you and you are not ugly. You are beautiful,” Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine’s curls just the way he know he loved it.
“But I’m fat,” he spat the word out like it was poison.
“You are not fat. You gained some weight in the beginning and you weren’t fat or ugly then. You were still beautiful. And you’ve lost all the weight you gained and more now. You’re underweight, Blaine,” Kurt heart broke when he heard how low Blaine’s self-esteem was. He’d never known. Blaine had always been so confident.
“I am fat, and you’re going to stop loving me and leave,” Blaine was sobbing now. He couldn’t hold all the pain in any more.
“I love you, Blaine. Forever,” Kurt insisted. “Let me show just how much,” Kurt started pealing off Blaine’s shirt.
“Kurt, no.”
“It’s OK, Blaine. You’re beautiful,” Kurt whispered against his bare skin.
No, you don’t understand. I’m not in the mood for this. I don’t know why I’ve been like this lately but I just don’t want to do this. Please stop!
His head told him to end this, but his heart wasn’t in it. He needed Kurt. If he stopped him, he’d get mad and leave him.
I can’t lose him.
ª©ª
The next morning Blaine woke up to find Kurt already awake and staring at him.
“Hey,” he whispered.
“Hi,” Kurt whispered back. “Blaine I think we need to talk.”
“If it’s about me then I don’t think it’s necessary.”
“Yes, it is, Blaine. Some of the things you said yesterday are just… not all right.”
“I’m sorry. I knew I should have said anything. You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”
“No, no, that’s not it. I’m glad you said those things,” when Blaine scoffed he continued: “Blaine, I’m serious. If you hadn’t said anything then I would’ve never found known.”
“That was the point: you weren’t supposed to find out,” Blaine muttered bitterly.
“But, why? I thought we promised not to have any more secrets.”
“. You would see me,” Blaine tilted his head back on his pillow and looked up at the ceiling to keep his tear from rolling down hi cheek.
“But, Blaine, I see you now,” confusion coloured Kurt’s words. With every word Blaine spoke he became more baffled.
“No, you don’t. If you would see me you would leave,” Blaine croaked and tears began to fall.
“I don’t understand,” Kurt said
“I don’t want you to.”
“Blaine, please. Please tell me what’s going on in your head. As much as I’d love to be able to read your mind right now, I can’t. Tell me. Everything,” Kurt pleaded.
Blaine shook his head. I can’t.
“Please?” Kurt sighed. “OK, lets start with this: why are so afraid I’ll leave you?”
“Because you will.”
“Why? I said I’d love you forever. Loving you forever means staying with you forever.”
“I’m gonna do something wrong like last time and make you mad. Then you’re gonna leave.”
“Blaine, the cheating is in the past. I forgave you for that and you promised to never do it again. I trust you, it’s never gonna happened again.”
“But you get so angry about small things. And I’m so scared if I do something to make you mad you will break up with me.”
“I’m so sorry if I get so angry at small things. You should never feel afraid of my anger. That’s just wrong. But, Blaine, even of I get angry sometimes I’m not leaving you.”
“You will! You said you don’t see the point in our relationship.”
“When did I say that?” Kurt was getting frustrated.
“A-a-about three weeks ago when I c-came back from the d-din-diner and I was to-t-too tired for sex.”
“Blaine, that was because I felt like you didn’t want me. And that hurt me. You were always making excuses.”
“I-I-I was tired. I could never not w-want you! But you said you were gonna-gonna leave me.” Blaine sobbed, he wasn’t even trying to keep back his tears any more.
Kurt suddenly sat up in the bed and whipped his body around towards Blaine, “I never said that! Don’t you dare put words in my mouth!”
Blaine flinched, “I’m s-sorry, I-I’m s-s-so s-sorry!” he shielded his face from the inevitable blow. I deserve this.
Kurt’s face fell when he saw Blaine’s reaction to his outburst, “I’m not gonna hit you, Blaine. I am never ever going to hit you!”
“I’m s-sorry,” Blaine quickly moved his hands from his face and looked away. I can’t do anything right. Why? I’m so useless.
“That’s not true, Blaine, you’re not useless. And can get a lot of things right,” Kurt was bewildered by the things coming out of his boyfriends mouth.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to say that aloud,” he apologised.
“Again, I’m glad you did. What happened to you? You used to be so confident.”
When he didn’t get a reply, Kurt continued, “Lets got back to that night. Why did you think I was going to leave you back then?”
“You said ‘what’s the point of this?’ and I thought that if I didn’t have sex with you, you would leave.”
“What?” Kurt felt his blood cold.
“I scared that if I didn’t have sex with you would no longer want me, so I went with whatever you wanted. I didn’t want to make you mad at me for something as small as sex.”
“Blaine! For something as small as sex?! sex is not small. It’s something big. Something two people do together to give and receive pleasure and to become closer to each other. But both parties must want it.”
“But you were getting mad again.”
“So you just said yes even though you didn’t want to do it then?” Kurt asked incredulously.
“Yes,” Blaine’s voice had become small and scared. I’m making him mad again.
“Blaine. Did you enjoy it at least? After a while, I mean?”
“I didn’t come, if that’s what you mean.”
“You didn’t – Blaine,” Kurt was crying now. He felt like he had pressured his boyfriend into having sex with him. He remembered Blaine being tired that night and refusing in the beginning and then giving in when he had started yelling. Blaine had been afraid.
“It’s not that bad. After a while you get used to it,” Blaine tried to comfort Kurt.
“Used to it! Tell me that was the first and only time.” Kurt was reeling. This couldn’t be happening.
“Ever since the first time, I didn’t want to have sex any more. I don’t know why. I just felt like a whore. I felt used,” Blaine was back to whispering again but his tears had subsided.
“All this time you didn’t want to? All this time you never once enjoyed it?”
“No,” he spoke so softly that if Kurt hadn’t moved to hold him against his chest, he wouldn’t have heard.
“Blaine. Blaine,” the name fell out of Kurt’s lips like a lament.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really didn’t. I was scared you’d leave me.”
“So you’d rather be used every night than have me leave you?”
“I’m nothing without you Kurt.” “That is not true! You’re everything. I feel like I’ve been raping you for weeks!”
“Kurt, don’t say that. It wasn’t – that. It was consensual. I always said yes,” again Blaine tried to console Kurt. He could stand seeing like this. The worst part was that he had done this.
“Because you were afraid that I would leave you if you didn’t. That’s not how relationships work, Blaine. There should be no fear in love.” Kurt sniffed. Suddenly a thought struck him, “Do you still love me?”
“Of course! Kurt, I will always love you,” Blaine’s answer came quick and sure.
“It’s fine if you don’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t after all you’ve gone through.”
“But I do,” Blaine insisted. “I know I love you no matter what.”
“And that, Blaine, is the problem. You’d do anything for me.”
“Of course I would. You’re my everything.”
“Blaine, that’s not healthy. We can’t be each other’s everything. We need to be able to live without the other. Love is choosing not to want to live without the other.”
Blaine frowned at this. In his experience, you had to give the other person everything or else they leave. And sometimes everything is still not enough. Like with his parents. He’d done everything for them. Tried to make them proud. Did whatever they wanted him to, was whoever they wanted him to be. But it had still not been enough.
“Blaine, precious, It think we should both see someone about this.”
“Why?”
“Because we need to change things in our relationship. We need to go to couple’s therapy and you should probably go to a therapist of you own as well.”
“Why?” Blaine did get this. He was fine. They were fine.
“Because the way you think is dangerous and not healthy. That kind of thinking can lead you down paths few make it back. And I want the old confident Blaine back.”
“He never existed,” Blaine whispered his biggest secret. He’d always felt like a fraud.
“That’s really sad. I just want you to be healthy. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I’d like you to find yourself. And I’d like you to do this for yourself.” Kurt kissed the broken boy in his arms tenderly.
“I don’t know how to do things for myself,” Blaine admitted. NYADA had been the first thing he had ever done for himself. Well, partly. Kurt had been a big factor leading him here.
“Then do it for me until you learn to do things for yourself. Do you think you can do that?”
“For you.”
“And then for yourself?” Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine unjelled curls.
“I’ll do my best.” Blaine looked up at Kurt and smiled.
“That’s all I ask. Come, lets make a nice breakfast and spend the rest of the weekend together and talk. OK?”
“OK”
Kurt jumped out of bed and hoisted Blaine in his arms. He kissed him softly. When they parted, Blaine let out a relieved sigh he hadn’t known he’d been holding. It was like a burdon was lifted form his shoulder.
The kiss had felt like a promise.
A promise for the beginning of better times.