Another year later

Every year is a transformative one, that’s just a fact. I’m still learning to be vulnerable, but the masculine energy in me is so damn protective, it still tries to create a barrier. The task this year is to let the feminine finally take over again, then balance it out. That’s life for you, an equilibrium of all things. Just a moment ago I read the post I wrote a year ago about T & the feelings that came along.. I thank my past self for doing so, because it brought back those wonderful feelings & memories I cherish. The goal was to give more power to those moments & feelings, not so much the “bad” or “sad” ones. Those have had way too much power almost all my life… I’ve been told two big souls & beings can’t be together right away, one year isn’t enough time to get to know each other & that it takes time to cultivate something so grand. It requires cultivation, patience, dedication, time, lots of love, faith, (perseverance?) it was thought to be doomed from the very beginning, seeing as we were both in a vulnerable state, not doing well mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. we could’ve gone deep underwater, but instead we proved everyone & ourselves wrong, we opted to swim up to the surface .. I’m proud of us for that, we are trying our damn best to break old patterns, habits, cycles, actions, reactions. We deserve to be free for own own sake.. that goes for everyone.  This may sound crazy, but it feels like we help each other recover lost parts, trigger the other for the better. T reminds me of who I really am & always have been. Sometimes it feels like I transform in different ages when I’m with him. We both do, lately it’s been out of synch.. as things are in life, aligning & re aligning again. I see friends, children, mom & dad, all trying to be liberated from the past, to be free & live as our true selves. We tried building a home & families with one half that didn’t complete the whole & so, it collapses. Leaving us to run & hide, hesitating to even try again. Yet we do, over & over until we’ve had enough, but then life presents an unexpected person that isn’t like the rest, they have the same wounds only on opposite sides.  Are we really prepared for what’s to come? Will we end up hypocrites to what we preach, sabotage ourselves once more? Do we dramatize for the sake of being a victim? Sometimes we are victims of ourselves, our own mind harms itself, it creates fear & pain before someone gets a chance to… He is a cardinal sign, the coming of life, the birth of cycles. Going from darkness to light, he is the breath in, the taking in & experience of life. As for me, the releasing of the air we breathe, death. The ending of cycles, the beginning of transformation. Water teaches us the aspect of life, death & everything in between, the profound meaning of suffering & redemption in human life & the spiritual dimension of purification I’m grateful for the opportunity to start over again. It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they’re now gone. This has been one of the most unexpected & illest surprises life gave me thus far.. I don’t know where this goes, sometimes I’d like to think I do because I’m hopeful.. here’s to the present & future, come what may, I am thankful for what I’ve received. If given the chance, I won’t hold back anymore. Enough is enough.