Had a very serious mental breakdown last Sunday and did this. What the fuck is wrong with me??? Why did I do this?? And why did I want to do so much more??? I’ve been clean for months and before that years. What the hell is wrong with me??? Fuck I need help and I don’t even know how to ask for it or where to go. I can’t get it back in the hospital. I can’t. I won’t do outpatient either. If I go to the hospital they’re going to do more harm than good. Please fucking help me. I literally want to tear my arms and legs apart like I used to do everyday. Nothing is stopping me and that scares me.

I am in a really bad place right now and if you love me I need to know

CW: depression, rape, drugs, alcohol, relationships

Alright, you didn't talk to me for two years. You left. I LOVED you. Like, love. Ya know that crazy thing? It's weird. You left, told me you were gonna be back in two weeks. Next thing I know it's been two months and you're not coming back. You have a job. You have like permanent roots and shit 1000 miles away. I thought there was still something there. Idk love does that to a person. It's does crazy shit. I'm so in love I'm about to leave literally everything I've ever known in my entire life to live with the target of these feelings, right? Then. Out of fucking NO WHERE. "I don't want to talk to you anymore. I don't love you. See ya around never." HEART. BREAK. Broke me as a fucking person. Like fucking destroyed my entire desire to even take in oxygen and be alive with a pulse and whatnot. Get crazy into party scenes. Literally don't know where I am for days at a time and don't talk to any of my family to the point I'm pretty sure they thought I was dead a few times. Got raped. A couple times. Drugs and alcohol ravage my body. Get an incurable STD. Finally realize MAYBE THIS IS NOT HEALTHY FOR MY BODY. Go home. Stay home. Cry. A lot. Keep crying. And even through all of it I check my phone every. Single. Day. To see if the person I love changed their mind and realized they made a mistake. Months have gone by. Still have hope. Reconnect with an old friend from high school. Literally stay up all night watching YouTube and making jokes. Just catch up. Hang out all the time. Still checking my phone every couple days. Realize I'm dating someone?? How the fuck did that happen? Move in together. Everything is moving so fast. Stop checking my phone. Still have dreams. Have hardcore PTSD. Night terrors. Stay up some nights and every now and then the thoughts of what could've been HAUNT ME TO FUCKING TEARS. A year goes by since last contact. Wow life is crazy different. Have legit full blown panic attacks when I see anyone that looks even slightly like that person I loved. A couple more months go by. Go on vacation. "Will you marry me?" Get engaged. LIFE IS WEIRD, RIGHT? Happiness. Wow that feels weird. What is this? Another month goes by. Contact. After two years. Full blown fucking panic attack at work. So many thoughts. Terror. Actual legit terror. Mind floods with the past. Whats happening? Talking. Talking. Talking. Not feelings. No. No? Nope. Just...closure. And then. A giant weight lifts off of me and for the first time in two years...I relax. Weird. New feeling. Relaxation. It's like...nothing happened..? No. That's not right. No. That is. Not. Okay. That's fucked. You left me. LEFT ME. With NOTHING. Anger. Insatiable anger. Like nothing I have ever felt in my entire existence. Why the fuck should that happen? I suffered. Yeah, my life is amazing now. But I fucking suffered and you get to act like nothing happened. That's fucked. I fucking loved you with every single fiber of whatever fucking stardust I'm made of. My soul neighbor because you said we weren't soul mates. Just neighbors. I should've fucking known the whole time. But I'm easily manipulated and people take advantage of my generosity and gullible nature. And that's not even the worst part. Even having gone through everything I went through and knowing everything I know. A tiny piece of me still belongs to that fucking person that left me. And that person acts like nothing. Fucking. Happened. Instead tells me about the girls he likes and asks for my fucking advice on how to date them and eventually fuck their brains out. Like, I'm glad you're better and what not I'm glad you found yourself or whatever but fucking Christ. It took me two years to get closure and it fucked me up. Bad. I'm literally dying. I'm trying to live my life to the fullest. Yeah. I want to be your friend. I do. I really do. No one ever understood the way my brain works like you did. I had never, have never, and will never be as close to anyone as I was with you because of the way you understood me. Part of me will always belong to you. But. I'm still dealing with some shit.

Why

Why. Why. Why can't I get you it if my head. Why. It's been two years. I was lost. I lost you. I lost myself. I lost my friends. I found drugs. I found alcohol. I found misery. I found a very unhealthy job. I very slowly started to find myself again. I sobered up. I quit my unhealthy job. I started to fix myself. I got a job. A job where I got to wear clothes. I got a promotion. I found a better job. Management. I went to the hospital in anaphylactic shock. Three times. Was told if I didn't quit my good management job I would die within a few weeks. Quit my good management job. Was very ill for a few months. Couldn't take care of myself and couldn't be alone. Lost myself again. I had to borrow money multiple times to keep my apartment. Almost lost myself for good. I finally got better. I found another job. No where near as my good management job but still a job. I am finally finding myself again. I'm happy....ish. I don't know. I feel like I should be happy. But fuck. Why can't I get you out of my head.

I doubt you will ever read this but,

I have decided to start thinking with my head instead of my heart. My heart aches for you but my head is beckoning me to freedom. I do not want to move on, even if it does lead on to better things in the future. I still much rather have a really shitty, poor future with you then the best future with anyone else. My brain is telling me I will be happy again after some time. I deleted Facebook from my phone and the messenger. When I decided, against my better judgement, to log into Facebook and found out you blocked me on Facebook and I'm guessing you blocked my number as well. Probably best for both of us. However, I do wish that you will get ahold of me when you are here at the end of this month. I at least want to say goodbye in person. You were my bet friend for two years. I do love you, but I want to say only as a friend but in all honesty I'm not really sure anymore. Well, goodbye, Teddy Bear🐻

My heart is broken

But it will heal. It will take a very long time but this is just the beginning. I'm trying to blog my recovery and maybe I'll make it my YouTube channel. Just somewhere to vent for awhile since the person I vented to about everything is no longer a part of my life. I miss him dearly though.

He told me he’s moved on

but honestly, i don’t think that it true. Maybe I am in denial. We have been apart for almost 6 months and in those 6 months we have had ups and downs from being so far away and we have had good times and bad as well. We finally make, what seems like solid plans to be together again and finally be living our fantasy, and he tells me he’s not in love with me anymore. This was a few weeks ago. I, once again, don’t believe this. I think it’s just been too long since we have seen each other, he’s too busy all the time, and we don’t talk a lot. I also think he is on the wrong medication that just makes him numb sometimes. I think he is just numb to the feeling of love and is scared of getting hurt but I’m not him and I don’t know what he is thinking inside his head. He told me I could still move up there to be with him but it would be nothing more than being friends. Of course, this broke my heart, I felt like dying and I came very close to just killing myself and ending the torture of a (kinda-sorta) break up again. I decided that I was going to do whatever it would take to make him love me again no matter how long it took and no matter what I had to do. I tried to talk to him everyday, I tried to make him see things the way I did, and all it did was push him away even more. Instead of trying to be loving, he interpreted what I was doing as being clingy. He then told me that because of this he doesn’t even think we can be friends and we need to just end everything we have and pretty much never speak again. I told him that he misunderstood. I don’t think he realizes he is one of the only friends that I have left, and on top of that he is my best friend. I might not be his best friend anymore but he is mine. Yes, I am a little nervous that I am going to arrive in New York and he is going to tell me about someone that he met, my replacement, but I also have faith that he is telling the truth that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone at all. We went from talking almost everyday, to talking every few days, to not talking for a few days, to him telling me I’m too clingy. I feel like I should be angry but I’m just hurt. If I don’t get to move to New York and convince him that he is just suffering from distance and anxiety, than I don’t know what I’m going to do. He kept saying there are reasons for what he wants but he doesn’t want to talk about them right now and that’s what makes me panic. That is what makes me so scared. I will not be able to move on until I know what those reasons are and until I see him in person and get to touch him and feel him in my hands and arms, see him in person with my eyes and not on a screen. I can’t wait until after Christmas. I want out of here so bad. I just want to be with him. 

Trying very hard to just be numb.