my granddad just called me to tell me how big his cauliflowers are growing and it was so cute theyre “TWICE as big as the ones you get in the shop”

i told my granddad this post has 3,500 notes and he said ‘who are they? do i know them?’ he wanted me to list everyone and see if he knew anyone

If you don’t reblog cauliflower granddad, then you’re just a mean person.

white people

i always thought of a king sized bed as being a bit bigger than a queen, but now that i have one, i can tell you that a king sized bed is an absurdity. i can sprawl out, and my husband can sprawl out, and the cat can sprawl out, and none of us are touching. i reach out in the night, and find only pillows and plush walruses. i reach further and eventually find his elbow. he rolls over the comforters to try and find me. “i have crossed oceans of bed to be with you,” he says. there is a vast expanse of bed untouched, unmapped, unexplored. the cat is still trying to sleep on my face.

the song mamma mia is the equivalent of saying “i’m back on my bullshit”

Don’t break up. Fix the problem. Start the romance again. Go on dates again. Work on winning each other over again. This is why there are so many failed relationships. If you love each other and are best friends then breaking up is not the answer.

ok, but what’s the mood for the month of august?

Two things I need Today's Youth to know:

1. Anything the government says is propaganda

2. 99% of vegetables taste better roasted

a 7 year old that i have met 2 times just came out of her room and sat next to me on the couch and without saying hello she said “if you didn’t want to die, then why were you born?” and her mom said “PLEASE, Mackenzie. go upstairs” and she crossed her legs and said “no, mom. i want to hear what she has to say” ???

Her mom also told me that she “does this all the time”

Kids cartoons in the 90s: Trying to sneak in dirty jokes

Kids cartoons today: Trying to sneak in gay characters

on cats

pros of being made of liquid:

get place

reloxing

armour

cons of being made of liquid:

DISOPEAR INTO THE ABYSS

“REMEMBER ME AS I NOW AM HOOMAN”

This is by far the greatest thing I’ve found in a junkyard.

So about a year ago me and my friend Nathan were walking around the “Pick-a-Part” in Clarksville Tennessee… We were searching for car badges and a spoiler to put on his trashy conversion van. While going through the lot we found what is probably the single greatest car to ever drive on any road in the world.

You are looking at… a Dora the Explorer themed gangster car… I’ve seen spongebob themed cars, Newport themed cars, sports team themed cars, but THIS.

trumps them all.

OH BUT IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

You see… there has to be a reason that a car like this…

Would end up in the junkyard… SO me and Nathan did some looking around and tried to figure out why…

I still can’t believe the decals on this…. wait…

HOLD ON ONE FUCKING SECOND!

OH!

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

YES! SOMEONE ACTUALLY GOT SHOT WHILE DRIVING THEIR DORA THE EXPLORER CAR IN CLARKSVILLE TENNESSEE!

And THAT, is the single greatest thing I’ve found in a junkyard to this day.

okay this is totally wild but i RECOGNIZE THIS CAR

and i actually have a picture of it from its functioning days - this is dated 2012 -

parked in front of an adult store!

Dark tumblr show me the history of this car

Show me the forbidden Carfax

my mom likes to tell me “you have to pick your battles” well im full of rage and im picking all of them

— Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

I was teaching kids today and they got fixated on the usual ‘are they dead now?’ question when I was talking about historical figures. So I was just like ‘Yes, they’re dead now, everyone who was alive in the 1800s is dead now.’ and then one kid was like ‘Except for you’.

I’m sorry to hear about your scalp.