“Picture, if you will, a lovely English spring day. The weather is not exactly warm, but at least it’s not raining.
“It’s Maundy Thursday. Hot cross buns and creme eggs abound. But more importantly, it’s also the first of April, when all the world unites in merriment upon the anniversary of Fred Weasley’s nascence. Incidentally, a much less handsome and interesting man was also born on the same day in the same year, but he hardly merits mentioning.
“Imagine that on such a day, and in honour of such an occasion, one rather pathetic chap unearths long-forgotten passwords to once again gain access to this very blog. The year of our Lord two thousand and twenty-one marks nine years since he first roled the play in this strange land with its ever-shifting shades of blue. Seven since he sold his soul to us. And long has it been his tradition to pace these dusty halls upon an April, to greet old friends; to chuckle at his own jokes; to reminisce, but not to regret. Never to regret.
“He checks his messages. What does he find, do you think? Close your eyes and picture it as you continue to read this post. Sweet messages from friends? Yes, a few. Things he’s long neglected to respond to? Aye (and Gomorrah). But what else? What arrests his breath? What flutters his heart? What grips his spirit, his very loins with that heady concoction of revulsion and elation which has so long eluded him?
“Wonder no longer! For I tell you that what greeted him, as unasked and unexpected as a stiffy in class, was his first—and our first—hateful anonymous message.
“This situation, dear readers, is the one in which our mun found himself today. And on his behalf, I would like to thank the venerable tosspot who sacrificed those precious seconds of their life to bless us with this singular honour. We feel important, we feel relevant—undeservedly relevant for a blog that posts twice a year, tops. We can think of no better birthday present.
“Thank you, magnanimous stranger. And fuck you. But mostly thank you. You’ve brought us far more joy than you expected, and certainly more than you hoped.”
