it’s been so long since i’ve touched this strange blue hell but i have nowhere else to put this so it’s going here i suppose
it’s been…5 days? i think? of the most depressed i’ve ever been, unwilling to do much other than stay in bed and convince myself it has more to do with being under the throes of two different raging hormones trying to right themselves in my head than the fact that i got a taste of what being happy felt like a month ago, after -as dramatic as it sounds- years of just existing. i truly forgot what being happy felt like until that night and coming back down to earth hit hard. i feel like a ghost, out of sight out of mind. i wouldn’t mind that but i miss feeling warm. this existence feels cold. and this is all so very dramatic but i’d rather sound dramatic than have someone waste emotions on me. yelling into the void is easier. maybe being a ghost on this rock in space is what i’m here for, floating around in the background until someone stumbles upon me.
i don’t know if you’re reading this (you know who you are) and it might make you feel guilty, like maybe you’ve been shitty but in the back of my mind i knew it’s kind of always been me that’s shitty. i can feel it happening again but i’m okay with that, it’s how we work. i’d rather you exist on the same plane with people that work right, people that live rather than just exist. if anything, i should feel guilty for this.
i’ll stay on the spectral plane where i belong, trying to figure out if this really is the chemicals in my brain splitting me or if this is just me. this all sounds so very hot topic and teen tragedy but honest at the same time, maybe moreso with myself.
