Scorch

When

Distraction

Slutty Witch

since twilight is randomly trending i just wanna say that the real reason renesmee tried to kill bella in utero was because she heard her decide to name her fucking renesmee

Honestly shout out to people with anxiety and panic disorders, y'all don’t get enough recognition for your hard work. Pushing through your body’s instinct to fight/flee/freeze at the slightest worry is a whole new level of strength. You’re battling almost everyday against a fast-acting animalistic response that humans have been experiencing since the dawn of time, a response that is literally designed to take full control of your actions away from you. That takes so much courage and perseverance. You’re strong as fuck.

i always thought of a king sized bed as being a bit bigger than a queen, but now that i have one, i can tell you that a king sized bed is an absurdity. i can sprawl out, and my husband can sprawl out, and the cat can sprawl out, and none of us are touching. i reach out in the night, and find only pillows and plush walruses. i reach further and eventually find his elbow. he rolls over the comforters to try and find me. “i have crossed oceans of bed to be with you,” he says. there is a vast expanse of bed untouched, unmapped, unexplored. the cat is still trying to sleep on my face.

This is the opposite of a creepypasta

The Hard Times absolutely crushing it like always lmao

so i’m currently working at a law firm and the other day one of the attorneys was talking to me and he mentioned that he’s “not very confrontational” and i was like you are?? a lawyer???

and he said “yeah but in court there are rules. i can argue with some shmuck in a suit in front of a judge no problem, but when i leave the courthouse and go home i’m not gonna argue with my wife about dinner. there are no rules in our kitchen. i would die.”

the only reason i still have depression is because i can’t take my brain out of my skull and blow on it like a ds cartridge

Loose,

Footloose,

All of your feet are loose.

Feet,

Loose feet,

You’re going to lose your feet

I’m not bringing your food in the bed. This is not mothers day and you are not a mother.

I can’t wait to go to Italy this summer so I can meet the Pope and propose some new ideas:

Maybe dogs lick us so much because they know there’s bones beneath our skin

This is the worst one by far, thanks

This has just always been a thing I’ve known but now I wonder if it’s common knowledge bc it should be;

If you’re going to a doctor about anything, instead of just describing the symptoms, describe how it has affected your life. ‘My arm hurts when I straighten it’ will usually get you ‘wait a few days to see if it gets better’. ‘My arm hurts when I straighten it, and it has stopped me from being able to drive or use my computer at work, so I can’t function properly’ will usually get you a lot more consideration, and usually tests or a prescription.

This also applies for mental conditions, including gender dysphoria.

Make sure your physician knows the effect that your condition is having on your life, as this makes it a lot harder for them to dismiss you. This also makes it easier to hold them accountable if they ignore a dangerous condition, should you wish to pursue legal action.

every time i have an inner transformation i pick up duolingo again

Millennial self change is marked by duolingo and meal prepping