Sometimes, when you fall, you fly.

Trigger warning: Emotional abuse

This is going to be a long one, so bear with me.  Those of you who have been following this blog for a long time know that it started as a cosplay blog. I’m sure some of you wondered why the cosplay content went, and why I seemingly dropped off the face of the earth, and why there wasn’t any cosplay anymore when I came back.  It was a lot of things, but primarily, when I started this blog I was in the depths of an extremely abusive relationship. There’s a reason I chose Jessica Jones as my “return” to the cosplay world. There’s a reason this is my first cosplay-related post on this blog in years.  My ex and I met through cosplay. He messaged me on facebook one day, and from the start his attitude was flirtatious and romantic. I thought it had to be a joke because he seemed too good to be true. He was successful, attractive, charismatic; I was nobody, in college but on the verge of dropping out. Why would someone like him be interested in *me*? But we kept talking, and within just a few weeks he wanted me to move in with him.  And I did. I left everything I knew, my friends, my entire support system, and moved across the country with him. It was like I couldn’t say no. A few months later, we were engaged. A year later, we were married.  The problems, of course, were there from the start; but I was too blind to see them. He was cheating on me even before I moved in. I was constantly gaslit and told I was being crazy or insecure, that the many, MANY girls he was talking to and flirting with online were nothing to worry about.  I honestly don’t know how many people he actually cheated with-and I mean physically, not just online conversations. The handful that I found out about were just the tip of the iceberg, I’m sure. But that wasn’t all.  At the time, I didn’t know what emotional abuse was, and so I didn’t recognize what he was doing to me. I didn’t recognize that I was being gaslit constantly, that he was intentionally isolating me from anyone who might try to talk some sense into me, that I was being devalued and torn down every single day until I no longer believed I had any worth that wasn’t tied to him and what he wanted. If I didn’t exist solely to fulfill his needs, then I was “ungrateful” and “not appreciating what he did for me.” I didn’t want to change my entire career path because he thought he knew what was best for me more than I did? I was being irrational. I had a problem with him wanting to drive six hours to fuck someone he met online? I was insecure.  Sex was currency to him. If I didn’t give him what he wanted, he would get it somewhere else, and it would be my fault. He used me as bait to lure in other women, even going so far as to set up dating profiles using my photos to try to attract other girls. If I objected to any of it, I was being jealous, insecure, and irrational. I was a “boring lay,” and that was why he cheated. He told me he loved me, but after we broke up he eventually admitted that he didn’t even believe in it.  Five years. I gave him five fucking years. And to this day, he’s still in my head...because that’s what emotional abuse does. It changes you.  He still finds little ways to twist the knife. A few weeks ago, he unblocked me on facebook just to message me because he wanted to “tell me I’m beautiful.” Like i need his fucking validation. He just wanted to make sure that that space he carved out in my brain was still there...that I was still vulnerable to his manipulation after all this time. I hate to admit that he was right.  So, long story....still really fucking long, there’s a reason I chose Jessica Jones as my re-entry to the cosplay world. Yes, part of that reason is because it’s an easy costume and I already had all of this in my closet...but this character resonates with me on so many levels. Emotional abuse is real and even the strongest of us can fall victim to it. Jessica’s story mirrors my own in so many ways. Some of the things Kilgrave says to her could have come straight out of my ex’s mouth.  And she doesn’t do the best job of coping. She self-medicates with alcohol, she throws herself into her work. She’s bitter and jaded and kind of an asshole, but she has every right to be after what she’s been through. Here’s a woman who can bench-press a goddamn car, but just a few words can bring her to her knees. It’s a powerful message, and it’s a real one.  i’m still fighting. And i’m not going to stop. The damage he did to me is real, and it’s strong, but I fight every day not to let it define me. I won’t let him ruin the things I once loved. I wont let him take my joy away from me.  (Photo credits: Gil Photography, Mike Tuffley)

I did a little photoshoot the other day in this gorgeous dress by @soufflesong from @devilinspiredofficial! I took these photos myself in my neighbor’s yard, lol. The lighting was just too beautiful! Dress: A Midsummer Night’s Dream by @soufflesong, from @devilinspiredofficial Shoes: Baby The Stars Shine Bright All accessories made by me!  Model and photographer is me.