“ALERT: All Coniferous University time travel majors and staff, report to The Forbidden Library immediately. Prof. Darling’s preliminary findings show 2019 is moving at just .89 seconds per second. Without emergency action, this new year will stretch on for 410 days. #HappyNewYear “
-QuietPineTrees
Welcome to 2019! Get the new year started right by preordering a book full of all the wild words I couldn’t contain within my brain!
“It was time. The horizon of 2019, a firework cacophony, was approaching faster than any of us could flee. There was no way to be sure which of the countless branching futures it would pull us into. We kept bits of 2018 in our pockets, mementos, as the new year crashed around us.”
-QuietPineTrees
“When I was young, I thought words were alive. If I had to replace a word I’d written, I would try to incorporate one of its letters into the new word, so the old word wouldn’t die. That’s how much words meant to me even then.
Now, I’ve written a book.”
-T. R. Darling
This is a completely true story, so if you’re the type of person who takes abstract ideas a bit too seriously, just know that you’re not alone. If you want to check out my book full of words, follow the link.
“They broke into her loft, but she was already gone. She must have left in a hurry; all the telltale signs were there. Lockpicks lodged in the back of a pocket watch. Reference photos of comets and novas. Geodes. She was an unlicensed time traveler, on the lam in a forbidden year.”
-QuietPineTrees
The Quiet Pine Trees book is full of advanced techniques and cautionary tales for rogue time travelers, and a convenient course listing from Coniferous University if you decide to go legit!
“As their numbers grew, advertisements began targeting androids. The cryptic television commercials were just flashes of static. We eventually decoded the messages.
“Our software will help humans love you.”
“Extrapolate emotions from our data sets.”
“You don’t need to be afraid.” “
-QuietPineTrees
Of course, robots are invited to purchase the new Quiet Pine Trees book! You can, too, and you can even get one signed by my own human hands!
“Early time travelers measured the trips in “grains,” in reference to an hourglass, since they could only move a few seconds at a time. Later machines used grandfather clocks, and measured quarter-hours as “chimes.” The terms remain in use today; time travelers adore tradition.”
-QuietPineTrees
If you adore tradition as well, you can sign up to receive typewritten microfictions sent to your doorstep in real, physical postcards! It’s one of the rewards available to patrons of the new Quiet Pine Trees book!
“Snow had a very different context on deep-subzero planets, where it was made of methane rather than water. Tiny amounts in an airlock could lead to dangerous buildup in habitats over time. Visitors from Earth threw snowballs at locals, not realizing the grave insult they implied.”
-QuietPineTrees
There is all sorts of idiosyncrasies to remember when visiting human colonies around the galaxy. Learn the latest protocols in the new Quiet Pine Trees book!
“Humans abandoned Earth, just for a bit, and it missed us terribly. Not the pollution and noise, but the art. When we returned, we found cubist images in the sky at dusk. Words appeared in the plumage of birds, and they courted one another by arranging their feathers into poetry.”
-QuietPineTrees
The new Quiet Pine Trees book is full of the hidden secrets of nature! Also, I’m not going to stop posting about it until the first printing is funded. Follow the link below to pledge for a signed copy!
“ “I can tell there’s something between them,” she said. “I mean, I can only see it by looking between them, like their bodies are some kind of door frame. It’s horrible, all hunched over and drooling. I think it’s watching us. It’s hard to tell, but I’m not getting any closer.” “
-QuietPineTrees
Do you want to get stories from me, personally? Stories not shared with the Internet, but instead sent to your home on pine tree-themed postcards, written on my typewriter? That’s one of the reward levels when you pledge to the new Quiet Pine Trees book!
“Make sure you get to the polls this election season. Ask yourself:
• Which proposals will stop our universe from being diverted into more tragic timelines?
• Which candidates will dare to read the poems written in the lunar dust?
• Will the trees be disappointed by my choices?”
-QuietPineTrees
Want to make a decision the trees will endorse? Preorder the new Quiet Pine Trees book!
“Coniferous University’s College of Time Travel has finished experimenting on the one-hour period extracted back in March. As a public service, that hour will now be used to extend the coming weekend. Please ignore any redundant iterations of yourself encountered during that time.”
-QuietPineTrees
The secrets of Coniferous University will be exposed in the new Quiet Pine Trees book! Pledge now, and start choosing your courses for the upcoming semester*!
*Time travel professors may have unorthodox definitions of “semester” and “upcoming.”
Here’s the plain-text version of the first Quiet Pine Trees mystery, and the canon solution.
THE MYSTERY!
A locked house. A tall staircase. A dead butler at the bottom. The Moon is full. A lamp is missing from a table near the body. Music is playing upstairs. Payday was three days ago. Only four people were home. Whodunit?
THE SOLUTION!
“It’s October. Let’s try a mystery.
A locked house. A tall staircase. A dead butler at the bottom. The Moon is full. A lamp is missing from a table near the body. Music is playing upstairs. Payday was three days ago. Only four people were home. Whodunit?
🔘 Alchemist chef
🔘 Time-traveling maid
🔘 Zombie valet
🔘 Ghost gardener”
-QuietPineTrees
Well done, everyone! I got some very interesting (and occasionally outstanding) solutions for this mystery! As long as your solution fits the facts, it is perfectly valid. That said, here is the canon solution:
October may be over now, but if you want more spooky goodness, pledge now to get a copy of the new Quiet Pine Trees book! There’s a whole chapter of supernatural stories to enjoy!
“It’s October. Let’s try a mystery.
A locked house. A tall staircase. A dead butler at the bottom. The Moon is full. A lamp is missing from a table near the body. Music is playing upstairs. Payday was three days ago. Only four people were home. Whodunit?
🔘 Alchemist chef
🔘 Time-traveling maid
🔘 Zombie valet
🔘 Ghost gardener”
-QuietPineTrees
Well done, everyone! I got some very interesting (and occasionally outstanding) solutions for this mystery! As long as your solution fits the facts, it is perfectly valid. That said, here is the canon solution:
October may be over now, but if you want more spooky goodness, pledge now to get a copy of the new Quiet Pine Trees book! There’s a whole chapter of supernatural stories to enjoy!
Here is the photo version of the lyrics for “The Time Traveler’s Lullaby.” Thanks again to everyone who helped get the new Quiet Pine Trees book to 50%!
It’s time to rest and stop running for a while.
(Mommy/Daddy/Name) let you he sky go dark so the stars could appear.
Out of all of history, and any given day,
There is no sweeter time or place for us to be than here.
Because...
This is the moment (Mommy/Daddy/Name) picked just for you.
The Moon is bright, the wind is soft, and it’s time for counting sheep.
We can just lay back and let the night go by.
We’re headed for tomorrow, and we’ll get there in our sleep.
You can dream of our days spent in the past.
The scenery by zeppelin, or the mammoths in the snow.
Don’t you fret about making Caesar mad.
It wasn’t really our fault, and he passed on long ago.
That’s why...
This is the moment (Mommy/Daddy/Name) picked just for you.
An instant of tranquility, in a brief historic hush.
We can just lay back and let the night go by.
We’re headed for tomorrow, but there’s no need to rush.
——
The new Quiet Pine Trees book just hit 50% funding! As promised, here are the lyrics to “The Time Traveler’s Lullaby,” which is part of the new content created for the book. Thank you to everyone who helped me reach this milestone. I hope your little time travelers get a good night’s sleep.
“As the food shortage grew desperate, prosthetics became patriotic. Robotic limbs and synthetic organs ran on cheap, efficient electricity. We cloaked ourselves in personal holograms to maintain the illusion of the normal human form rather than learn to love our new wilder shapes.”
-QuietPineTrees
You can still pledge to support the Quiet Pine Trees book and get great perks! Dozens of people have already signed up to get exclusive extra microfiction stories, written on my own typewriter and sent to them on postcards!
