this year has been crazy and beautiful and just everything in between. 

there are so many things I’ve learned this year and so many lessons and lovely moments that will stay with me forever, but something I’ve noticed is that I don’t feel the need to fill the spaces with other people anymore. 

I remember last year when I felt the absence of company down the moments I would brush my teeth and every second felt like hours. I felt lonely and I felt there was always something or someone missing. 

now that it is nearing the end of 2017, I feel quite at peace in my space. Seconds no longer feel empty and silence is fulfilling and restful, not hollow. I don’t reach for my phone as much in order to feel connected. I don’t need to feel connected all the time. my loneliness is not lonely, but full of love, joy, warmth, contentment. 

the moment when a friendship starts to become one sided and I’m always the one to initiate is the cue for me to bounce yall

cause I actually take my friendships seriously

Man, the title of this is pretty lame and cliche, but this article speaks volumes on things I could not put into words. 

Dear you, 

I’m not mad at you. You probably didn’t even know that I was and I honestly don’t know if you even cared at all at this point because I don’t know what I believe about you anymore, but I wish you the best. I will keep my distance. I just wanted to say that I still care for you and I only wish you the best. You gave me good company and made me happy for a time, but I’m a firm believer that there are far greater things ahead awaiting us than anything that we leave behind. 

With love and kindness, 

me

I’m working on building a life that I love where I don’t feel like I need to escape. 

When I was 15, I thought that love meant late night phone conversations that lasted until morning, but love was not meant for me yet.

At 17, I thought that love chose you but you had no say in it - that love was cruel.

At 20, I thought love was better than anything I could have ever dreamed up - that love had finally arrived and would stay.

At 22, I thought love was confusing - that love demanded so much of me that I no longer recognized myself anymore.

At 24, I learned that love was nowhere to be found, but that it would come only if I allowed it a place to grow.

Now, I am learning how to build a home safe enough, strong enough, good enough for her to live and thrive. I am learning that love has always been with me and love was always waiting to bloom if I let her.

I hate that my family wants me to do all these things but can not or will not help me at all. 

But no time for pity or complaints. Just gotta keep moving forward and make the most of what I’ve got and I’m sure I have more than a lot of people. 

After a long week nothing sounds better than coming home, getting into my sweats, putting on a face mask and watching tv with some wine and pizza.