Advice on going off track.
Since a lot of people who follow this blog are working very hard towards degrees/fields/careers/companies/positions they want, I feel like I have something important to say.
I worked myself to the very edge for a year (essentially gave up everything that wasn’t grad school, including seeing my child go through kindergarten, seriously my MA program was insane), got a 3.9/4.0, got the degree, and got hired in the exact district/position I went into grad school to get. I 110% thought that I had made it, dreams on lock, done. I withdrew all other applications and turned down 2 other offers.
I began work/PD on August 7. I quit September 15.
The reasons for my resignation aside, I want to say this: handing in that letter of resignation was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to admit that the deep fear I felt in grad school (I was going into debt and basically missing a year of my kid’s life for something I would end up hating and it would all feel like a waste) had come to pass. I had to admit that I am not the right person for certain types of education. I had to admit that I had reached my limit, which is something I have rarely done in 25 years. (I also had to admit I had probably fucked up in turning down other offers/withdrawing all my applications because I got this idealized dream job.) So now I am back to an uncomfortable grey area where I have to work in a different environment until jobs I do feel I am a good fit for begin to pop up again, and it sucks but I’m doing it.
So, you might get EXACTLY what you have worked for 2, 4, or 6 years to get and love it, which is wonderful and I hope you do. But, you also might work very hard for a long time and get exactly what you want, and fucking hate it. Which is really, really hard to accept and deal with. But it is survivable. Eventually, after the regret and depression and feelings of hopelessness you will come out the other side prepared to try again in a different environment in your field or change direction altogether. The most important thing is that you are gentle with yourself. Give yourself room to heal and know that it isn’t your fault and that things are dumb sometimes and we all have to try our best to get through. The hardest part for me was just admitting that my dream wasn’t a good fit for me and I have to figure out a new one.