Today, I fucked up... by helping my friend clean out his basement with his dad

A few summers ago, I went over my buddy Timmy’s house to help him clean and move his shit from the basement up to the third floor. His grandmother was moving to a condo and Timmy was taking her place. I get there and as usual, smoked a joint, ripped a ton of boges, and began cleaning up.

After a half hour of moving/cleaning, Timmy’s dad who we’ll call Joe Dirt, came down to see what us assholes were up to. Now Joe Dirt is the type of guy you don’t wanna mess with. He may not be the biggest guy, but his strict personality and tough upbringing makes up for it. It’s important to note that Timmy and Dirt have the kind of relationship where they always love to bust each others balls, especially while at work. Joe Dirt owns a business and he and Timmy always go at it…even when there are customers shopping around.

For example:

“Hey Penis, stop sittin’ while you piss and help this guy find “XYZ product!” Joe Dirt said to Timmy while he was in the bathroom.

“You better watch it old man or I’ll throw these shit rags at you!”

“Timmy, if it was raining pussy, you’d still get hit in the head with a dick.”

Stuff like that.

Anyway, Joe Dirt came down, called Timmy a “Penis” like he always does and offered to lend a hand.

Within five minutes he began complaining.

“This place is a goddamn mess! What the fuck did you do down here! This place is a shithole!”

“Is this how you treat someone who pays the BILLS?! Your mother should have spat you on the wall!”

He then looked under Timmy’s bed to find a bunch of condom wrappers with the used rubbers stuffed back in them.

“Jesus H. Christ! There’s a bunch of loaded jimmies under here! You’re lucky I’m not knocking you out right now! Who the hell would wanna fuck you!? I bet they were all dudes, you queer!” he yelled.

Obviously, Timmy and I were trying our hardest to contain our laughter so he wouldn’t get any angrier. Joe Dirt then headed over to the closet, opened it up, and began ripping stuff out. We walked over to see what kind of shit he was uncovering.

After a few shoes and articles of clothing flew past our heads, Joe Dirt gets his hands on this HUGE duffle bag and heaved it out of the closet. He unzipped it and began inspecting the contents inside . He reached in and pulled out a water bottle filled with a musky, damp, amber colored liquid with a bunch of sediment resting at the bottom. He appeared confused and reached in again to pull the same thing out, and then again, and again and again…

I turned to look at Timmy, who was covering his face with his hands.

He then started pulling out 2-liter bottles filled to the brim with same yellow liquid. After a couple of those, he reached down further into the bag and lifted out a huge glass mason jar with the same substance inside.

He put the jar on top of a dresser, analyzed it, then looked at the entire collection of bottles.

He finally realized what the fuck this all was…

I looked back at Timmy who was beat red, then back at Dirt.

“Tim…is this…is…IS THIS A BAG OF PISS!” Joe Dirt yelled as he shoved the bag into Timmy’s chest.

“Ummm…..yea.”

The expression on Joe Dirt’s face was a mixture of angry, sad, and confused. I’m not sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.

I however, started to laugh like I’ve never laughed before.

“What’s so funny? How would you like it if I went over your house and hid piss in your closet?!” he said to me.

I was too choked up to muster any sort of response.

“I’m so disappointed in you! What the fuck! Where’d all this piss come from!?” Joe Dirt asked Timmy.

“Ummmm probably from the last five years.” Tim said quietly.

“Are you some sort of retard?! What? Are you embarrassed to use the goddamn toilet?! Are your dicks so little you piss on your balls? No wonder there’s so much piss on the toilet seat every time I go in there!!!”

“When I had friends over at night, they were too scared to wake you up by going to the bathroom so we pissed in bottles.” replied Tim.

“What did you assholes do when you had to shit?! Did you squat out the windows and drop loads all over my patio!”

I was hysterical. I couldn’t breathe. The idea of Timmy stockpiling 5 years worth of piss in his closet only for his pissed off Dad to find was too much for me to handle. Not only that, but chances are he pulled a few bottles out that I filled up myself.

“What else am I gonna find in that closet! A bunch of crusty socks stuck to the floor!? A bunch of rats fucking?! I can hear them right now!”

That was it, I had to get fresh air. I literally could not breathe from laughing so much. I jogged towards the stairs and in doing so, bumped into the dresser causing the mason jar filled with the aged bladder juice to fall and shatter all over Joe Dirt’s shoes.

He wailed like a banshee as he jumped back in complete horror.

The smell was so vile and rancid that he immediately covered his mouth and ran upstairs without even realizing he was tracking his pissy shoes all over the place.

I fell to the ground with tears streaming down my face. Timmy grabbed a mop and rapidly cleaned the foul bodily fluid as fast as he could.

It took me a good 20 minutes and a couple cigarettes to compose myself. I laughed so hard and so much, that my sides were hurting badly. Any longer, and I think I would have caused a hernia.

In the end, we cleaned up and moved everything nicely. It took a few weeks for the smell of rotten piss to go away and for Joe Dirt to forgive me for ruining his nice Nike’s and some of his carpet. He wouldn’t even let me in his house. I remember I had to spend a few hours scrubbing his carpet to get the stains out which sucked because I couldn’t get the smell of piss of of my mind all week.

However, “Is this a bag of piss?” has become one of our favorite catchphrases of all time. Even to this day the story never fails to make us, or anyone around, laugh.

TL;DR: Helped my friend clean up one day. His dad lent a hand only to discover a bag filled with bottles of piss inside his closet. I accidentally caused a mason jar filled with piss to fall and shatter every where causing the dad to freak out. I had to get on my hands and knees to scrub the carpet and wasn’t allowed back over for a few weeks.

By: RivyGucci

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