From my point of view pt:3

I remember growing up, anytime I made a mistake my mom would hassle me with some sort of insult. Always in Spanish so it was more harsh. Her most common was “que pendeja”, or ““no seas pendeja”. Even if I attempted something I had never been taught before, like it was supposed to be common knowledge. She was never patient with me. Mostly would dismiss me if I did something wrong the first time, after she insulted me. 

Perhaps this is why I struggled to be patient with myself. Perhaps this is why I was always in a rush to please someone, because I knew I could never please my mom. I thought I could do the casual dating after getting back home from being on my own. I just got used and then ghosted. Then I met someone disguised as a knight in shining whatever. Saying the right things, being there to listen, supporting my self care. You see, more often than not, when a man starts to get comfortable he starts to let his guard down. Well this included staying with me at my moms house, but not committing. As well as getting too cocky with not being safe, regardless of my preparation and supplies. Just as I warned, the little sign showed up. 

So here I was, about to be a parent of two. Living at my moms, in a relationship where I was expected to quit my job and become a housewife. I’ve never known that life, I was offended. Shortly after, it ended. I mean what did we expect, we didn’t know enough about one another to know it wasn’t going to work out. And in the mess of it all, they popped up again. But by then they had no fight left in them to try to rekindle that flame. My twin flame had burnt out, and somehow I felt the heartbreak all over again. Maybe because the last time I created a light in my life, I was in one of the darkest parts of my life. The trauma of the same experiences and being in contact with them brought up all those emotions. 

The day finally came where my second child was born, I had recently met someone when I was only looking for a friend. Even though my mom and I never saw eye to eye, I should have known she always knew best. She was against this friend since day one, yet it took me four years of marriage to see why. 

When will I stop trying to please everyone? 

From my point of view pt:2

I was raised by a single mother, the only thing I knew of relationships were that people always leave. Maybe this is why when things get too good I’m pushing anyone out of the door. There’s no possible way that someone would actually care to stay long enough to be som comfortable I wouldn’t need to sabotage. There’s no way anyone would stay long enough to guide me through my insecurities and teach me to be part of a whole. Because all I know is how to carry your own and don’t let anyone get too close. 

Yet I felt no worries with them. I questioned so much as I usually do and let my curiosities get the best of me. I failed and they managed to forgive me to try again. I stumbled and tried to get back to how things were before I ruined everything. Here the insecurities had grown twice their size. What if they don’t love me the same? What if they can’t be patient with me? What if… what if? All of these doubts ran that second chance to the ground. Destruction once again. Yet somehow we managed to find our way back one last time. One last time to try to figure myself out, one last time to pick the pieces up and really try to make it work. The amount of desperation ate me alive. I was willing to do anything I possibly could to keep them happy. I was impatient, I knew what they would eventually want to make them happy and I wanted to cut straight to that happiness. I wanted to take a short cut and didn’t think through how much someone would see my actions from a different point of view. From a non toxic point of view. 

Taking the easy route to happiness only lost me all hope to ever be whole. Somehow I was able to bring light into my life and love that creation with everything I could. I made sacrifices I never knew I could. I lived a lonely life with the best company. But the second someone reminded me of them I jumped to explore if I could truly find them in this someone new. I was naive, I trusted too soon. I wasn’t too careful. I let someone lay a hand on me more than once before I gained the courage to stand up and get out. All the while telling myself I deserved it, this was my karma for ruining such a perfect being. 

I had made my truce with them, I had escaped that abuse and moved back home. Only to welcome an entirely new set of battles. How long will it be until I learned to just be patient? How long will it be until I learned to just be patient?

Series: From my point of view

I’ve always gone through life switching in and out of reality. Now, as an adult, it’s hard to tell which parts were just fragments of my imagination. So many parts of my story are blacked out or erased, but also many parts seem to have just been made up so well to pass as reality. 

So here it starts; 2011. The day, good luck if I could ever manage to dig it up. It was a typical fall day. I’m minding my own business talking amongst my friends, or sitting doing my work. Then, the door opens and a glow casts around this small figure walking into the room. Who would have known this day would be the one to actually change my entire life. 

From that day forward, the parts of me that I never understood became so much more complicated. Still trying to understand myself but also wanting nothing more than to be the person they yearned for. Time and time again through this path with them, I lost myself. I sabotaged my story because it was too perfect and of course that couldn’t be true. After all, it was my story and I already had a history of distorting things. I self destructed and lost the piece that made me feel more put together than anything in my life. 

Years passed and I kept trying to fill that void, finding them in every part of someone new. Falling into abuse, manipulation, deception, loneliness, and betrayal just to try and find the person I was meant to be. A decade later and they were right to leave. I wasn’t put together then, and I’m far more disassembled now.

Where do I go from here?