Saturday cocoNUT Fever

Remember my super duper complicated brainiac math equation a couple months back.. No? well let me just apply it again here for ease of reference. Write it down this time, you guys! [{spring time sexy + summer time sexy} - garbage guts 2 (fall/winter) x your life = 100% sexy

] #math. I will admit however, my phat little equation has definitely fallen by the wayside this last month (and let me tell you, these hips certainly don’t lie) and party girl Marianne has been running rampant through the streets of YYC like a wild chicken with her head cut off.

Real talk though, it’s kinda hard to rock my cream on cream on cream when my fucking cream shorts don’t fit over my creamy white ass. Speaking of creamy (this time low fat, obvs) last night I found myself in the kitchen stewing up some absolutely delicious Coconut Thai Chicken soup. I’m on the liquid diet game this week folks, because I’mma become one with those shorts next weekend and find. me. a. husband., with a vacation home South of France.. or Barbados. Either will suffice.

Phat ingredients:

Melt coconut oil in a soup pot. Add jalapeno, onions and garlic and saute until fragrant (a couple of minutes). Pour in coconut milk, broth, ginger, lemongrass, lime zest, fish sauce and chicken in to the soup pot. Simmer for 15 minutes. Add the mushrooms, lime juice, and tomatoes to the pot. Simmer for an additional 5 minutes. Garnish with cilantro.

Beans this, beans that.

it seems as though i have recently acquired somewhat of a life and have been totally neglecting my poor little blog and all its loyal followers (aka my mom). so sorry followers! (mom)

For all you fellow garbage gutters (FGG's) out there, my most recent creation is a total game changing boner jam. Chocolately, delicious black bean brownies!!

Fit butt + rich husband /2 (his bank account) = set for life #math. So put down that mocha latte girl, lunge your ass to the kitchen, cause we about to get right for the summer.

Ingredients:

Directions: Preheat the oven to 350° F.  Grease a nonstick 9 x 9-inch square baking pan with baking spray 

Blend the black beans, eggs, cocoa powder, sugar, oil, almond milk, balsamic, baking soda, baking powder and coffee in the blender until smooth and pour into a bowl. Fold in 1/2 cup chocolate chips. Pour the brownie batter into the prepared pan.  Sprinkle the remaining chocolate chips evenly over the top of the brownies.  Bake the brownies about 25 minutes.  Allow to cool completely before digging your diva nails in. enjoy

ALRIGHT FOLKS, HERE IT IS. INTRODUCING MY LATEST AND GREATEST HEALTHY DESSERT! SO EASY, SO SIMPLE .. JUST LIKE ME. DRUM ROLL PLEASE

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Ya kittens, you're reading it right. 3 clean ingredient vegan peanut butter cups.

As most of you have already put together I am most definitely not vegan. I have the utmost respect for individuals living this lifestyle, but for me i just couldn't possibly give up the fur jackets and lamb skin chanel.. nahhh ain't willing to go without. kidding. i wish. But honestly, i just don't feel as though I could do away with dairy and eggs due to my damn garbage gut sweet tooth. I've tried many vegan recipes on for size but most just kinda straight up suck! They are a) expensive b) i look like an absolutely blonde bimbo idiot trying to pronounce the ingredients c) when da f*** will i EVER use brown rice syrup again. AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR BROWN RICE SYRUP!!

however, the other day when i came across this recipes i could hardly wait to try it out! peanut butter + chocolate + coconut oil= totally. go make these right now. 

200 grams 72% dark organic chocolate squares

3/4 cup organic peanut butter 

3 tbsp of coconut oil (divided)

You will need a double boiler or small pot with a bowl (this was obviously the dumpster bitch method i used) to melt the chocolate and about 12 paper cupcake or muffin liners

First melt the chocolate. Set up a double boiler system ..or pot with water to boil with a bowl on top (be sure bowl does not touch water) and set to medium high. Add in chocolate squares and 2 tbsp of coconut oil. Allow to melt completely.

In a small bowl, scoop out about 3/4 cup of peanut butter and add remaining tbsp of melted coconut oil. Mix well and set aside

Line a flat dish with muffin liners. With a spoon scoop in a little melted chocolate to cover bottom of each liner. Place in freezer to slightly set. Add a small scoop of peanut and coconut butter mix in the centre of each cup. Scoop more melted chocolate to cover. Return to freezer for about 20 minutes. 

OATS N' HOES

1 cup gluten free oats               

1/2 tsp cinnamon                    

pinch of sea salt                      

1/2 tsp baking powder                       

3 tbsp apple sauce                 

1 ripe banana, mashed

3/4 cup unsweetened almond milk

handful of dried cranberries, blueberries, raisins, seeds, shredded coconut --whatevs ya fancy party people

1 tbsp vegan chocolate chips

preheat oven to 350F

In bowl add banana and mash. Add in rest of ingredients and mix well

I baked in cute paper muffin cups.. some muffins stuck to the paper and I most definitely then consumed the cute paper. no fear though y'all.. paper= tree, tree=vegan. If you're not down with my vegan cooking equation, a small loaf pan would suffice for your diva kitchen ways. 

I scooped about 2 heaping tbsp into each serving

Bake for about 35 mins

Eatting with soy-free earth balance or natural peanut butter as a spread is yummy yummy. Enjoy!

Kale me maybe?

Kale & Quinoa salad with dates, almonds, & citrus dressing

Its official. I'm a huge F bomb.. a foodie.. I'm a total foodie.

For the salad and toppings: 1 tablespoon olive oil 1 large onion, diced Salt 1/2 cup red quinoa 1 small clove garlic, smashed 1 bunch lacinato kale 1/2 heaping cup whole dates 1/2 cup whole raw almonds

For the dressing: 1 clementine or mandarin orange, juiced 1/2 lime, juiced 2 teaspoons maple syrup 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Saute onion until caramelized, remove from heat and set aside.

Rinse quinoa, add it and garlic to saucepan over medium-high heat and saute for about a minute to both dry and toast lightly. Add 1 cup of water and bring to boil. Cover, turn heat to low; cook for 15 minutes. Turn off heat leave the lid on for an additional 5 minutes.

Slice bottoms of the kale stems off, and cut rest of the bunch into fine ribbons. Slice dates into quarters. Roughly chop almonds.

Make the dressing: whisk the juices together. Whisk in maple syrup and olive oil. Stir 2 tbsp of dressing into the quinoa after it finishes cooking.

Assemble the salad: toss the kale with all of the still-warm quinoa and the caramelized onions. Toss with half the dressing and taste (add remaining dressing if desired.. but ladies ive said it before and ill say it again.. yall need to do the math.. small thighs + rich husband = chanel) Toss in dates and almonds and I added a small handful of spelt flour sesame seed sticks because they taste awesome and look pretty.

its official. youre a hipster kale eattin fit bit 

VEGAN cookies .. Who is this girl???

I would say the hardest part of making these cookies was trying to stay focused on pronouncing ingredients needed to the the hotty mcdude working at the natural food store, rather than getting lost in his eyes imagining our natural, raw lives together .. Cooking delicious cookies for our bohemien children frolicking in the feilds. Alright, snap out of it.. Who are you kidding Maritime Barbie, that bro saw right through your vegan game. I got high maintance written allllll over me. Better luck next time.

Real talk.. Everyone start shopping at organic planet on 104th. total dude magnet .. I like it there.

2 cups spelt flour 2/3 cup cocoa powder 3/4 tsp baking powder Pinch of sea salt 1/2 cup earth balance, softened 3/4 cup turbinado sugar 1/4 cup organic cane sugar 1/2 ripe banana 2 tsp vanilla 1 cup organic dark chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 and line baking sheet with parchment paper

Whisk together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and sea salt. Set aside

In large mixing bowl, mix softened earth balance, banana, sugars and vanilla

Stir in dry mixture mix until well combined, then stir in the chocolate chips

Roll dough into balls place on parchment lined baking sheet. Cookies won’t spread out much so there doesn’t need to be a lot of space between the balls.

Lightly press down on each ball to flatten them out

Bake for 8-10 minutes

Double stuffed with love Oreo Cookies

Long story short.. my roommate is way better than your roommate. Some of you may know her, some of you may not but shes definitely the type of girl that we all love to hate. Shes a) blonde, blue eyes, tanned skin b) 5'10 with legs as long as a baby giraffe and c) she is the biggest garbage guts ive EVER met in my whole life and weights 125 lbs soaking wet. like im talking 3 jumbo chocolate bars for snack, pizza for breakfast, followed by a box of cinnabuns for lunch and 3 truck loads of chinese food for dinner and I kid you not has the god damn body of a victoria secret angel. like WTF. how does that even happen? Here I am eatting greenery and running 10 k a day to feel guilty for even walking down the candy isle and my babe roomie treats her stomach like a landfill and is glowing healthily because of it. Anyways. that felt good to get off my chest. kidding. i love the girl.. but i really do think someone should study her because we need to duplicate her genetics and make them available to the world. I believe earth would be a much better place because of it.

Anyways the other day I came home to a very pleasant surprise! Tess had baked a treat she'd seen online which she informed me was healthy!! was she feeling okay?? I wasn't so quick to dive in head first but with further interrogation about ingredients used i could hardly believe my eyes. Waddup Healthy Oreo Cookies .. in-fucking-credible. Shes the best.

1/2 cup of spelt flour

1/4 cup cocoa powder

1/4 tsp baking soda

large pinch of salt (don't skip this the salt helps to enhance the chocolate)

1 tbsp sugar

2 tbsp of honey or agave

1/2 tsp vanilla

2 tbsp coconut oil, melted

2 tbsp milk

Filling:

1/2 cup greek yogurt

1 ripe banana

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

For Cookies:

For Filling:

Jesus, Mary Kate & Ashley.. Amen

Giving into a cheat treat once a week is basically an inevitable fact of life for me. Sugar is my form of crack and I can only sweat out my withdrawals on the threadmill so many days in a row without completely blacking out day 5 and waking up in the SaveOn bulk candy isle getting a quick fix. Once a cheater, always a cheater folks. That being said I try to limit my "blackouts", and silence the zero fucks given voice whispering sweet nothings about demolishing sour dinos into my garbage guts as much as possible. With great indulgence comes even greater guilt, and if anyone knows me well enough they know my guilt sets in about 2 minutes post binge fatso-ing. However, with my new healthy lifestyle in place the results of my over whelming guilt has me frantically rushing to the kitchen finding some sort of green remedy to purify my sins. After yesterdays "leaning tower of shitza" (frozen yogurt topped with 2000 cals of candy) date with Kirstie this is exactly what I did. My creation was a healthy, light, Zucchini noodle salad for supper.. or as you city folk would say, dinner. You can take the girl out of the Maritimes.. but you can't take the Maritimes out of the girl.  

Ingredient:

3 zucchinis

1 pack cherry tomatoes

1/2 mango

1 avocado

1 inch peeled ginger

Juice of 1 lime

Pinch of sea salt & pepper

I used a Julienne peeler (as I don't have a spiralizer) to create long thin strips of zucchini, I then threw them in a frying pan on low-med heat with olive oil to cook for about 5 minutes.

blend chopped tomatoes, 1/2 mango, avocado, grated ginger, lime juice, salt & pepper into a bowl and mix in noodles when cooked- place in fridge for about 20 minutes for the noodles to soak up the sauce.  Voila!

my apron is made of 100% wife material

Paleo Morning Glory Muffins

1/2 cup mashed sweet potato

1/2 cup shredded coconut

1/2 cup of raisins

1/2 cup of chopped walnuts

1/4 cup of honey

1/8 cup of shredded carrot

2 eggs

1/2 cup coconut flour

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp baking powder

Preheat oven to 350F. Combine all ingredients and blend well. Coat muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray (or use muffin liners) and divide batter among six cups. Bake for 28-30 mins or until cooked all the way through.

Fiesta in your mouth

I received a challenging and slightly backhanded message prompting me to action today reading “what… you just not going to blog anymore??..” (emphases on all the “…“‘s) I could just hear the doubt and sass all the way from little ol’ PEI (where she, my sister, obviously has little to do this time of year. Because doesn’t the Island completely die off and all the locals go into hibernation until the grass turns green and the mainlander fuckwads flood our beaches and ask us idiotic questions such as “so like where do you get your groceries?” and “where do I park my car to walk around the island?”(that’s one of my all time favs) "oh just out back there.. throw me your keys, ill take good care of your RangeRover" *while you're gone for the next 6 weeks walking around the island, idiot*. can you sense my hostility? Kidding.. tourists are alright.. Many of my fondest memories growing up involve telling them Anne of Green Garbage ahem Gables isn’t even real. SPOILER ALERT*!*..gets me everytime. Anyways, back to publicly dissing my sister. What Teresa, do you think I’m just laying around listening to music with my feet kicked up withholding all my delicious new creations from you?? I guess that is what I’m doing LOL! Big sisters are always great for calling you out on your shit. But what you all didn’t know is that I’ve been having a bit of a rough time these last few days. I… I… haven’t had the internet!!! I’m Amish in the City (def like Carrie Bradshaw Amish and I wear chanel bonnets and Louis V canvas satchels) but tots similar concept. “Someone hand me my Kate Spade chalk and slate so I can draft up a blog post and Deer Courier (I image this is what they used pre-Canada Post) a delicious recipe to my sister”- me 2 minutes ago. Long story short amish the internet and I don’t want to go another mennonite without it. Ok, I’ll actually stop.

This recipe is slightly deceiving as there actually isn’t Tortilla in this Mexican soup.. But don’t shoot the messenger. As much as I want you all to think I’m the OG of this soup recipe .. I’m not. I got it from the Wheat Belly cookbook.

Mexican Tortilla soup:

4 cups low-sodium chicken broth

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breast, cut into chunks

2 to 3 garlic cloves, minced

1 large spanish onion, finely chopped

1 red bell pepper, finely chopped

2 tomatoes, finely chopped

3 to 4 jalapeno, finely chopped

2 avocados

1 cup shredded cheese (I didn’t do this -refer back to post about wanting smaller thighs and a rich husband)

1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro

4 tablespoons sour cream (I subbed humus..you do as you please)

Bring broth to a boil in a large saucepan over medium heat.

Meanwhile, heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add the chicken, garlic and cook until chicken is browned, 5-6 minutes

Add the cooked chicken, onion, bell pepper, tomato, and jalapenos to the stock. Return the broth to a boil. Reduce to a simmer, cover and cook for 30 minutes.

Halve the avocados lengthwise, remove pits, and peel. Cut lengthwise into thick slices.

Ladle soup into shallow bowls. Top each with sliced avocado, cheese (if you dare), cilantro and I did a spoonful of humus.

Bite Me

Ladies and gentlemen, bros and hoes, for my next trick I will pretend I'm not totally bitter and absolutely single on this vom-atrocious valentines day. That's right party people .. I'm about to take this day to the next level, lonely or not! I'm just kidding.. I'm actually such a softy at heart and I don't need no man to celebrate vday with (I know right..whatever helps me sleep at night).

Having recently decided to try and cut out the vast majority of gluten from my diet, I decided why not take this opportunity to go outside the box from my regular granola and yogurt and make my trusty sidekick/roommate/best friend some delicious valentines day inspired protein pancakes! 

You're going to read this recipe and give me way less credit for being totally awesome but at that point you can all go fuck yourselves (literally.. cause if I'm single .. you're FOR SURE single).

Ingredients:

2 eggs

1 banana

Scoop of vanilla whey protein

Scoop of cocoa

Scoop of shredded coconut

Stir it all up..pour in a pan with coconut oil and fry away- when cooked top with vanilla greek yogurt, raspberries and strawberries!

The results? healthy, delicious, beautifully presented protein pancakes. I rock...No big deal. Happy Valentines day!!

Egg Pizza

This was a little something something I made before I became a famous chef turned blogger (we'll now refer to those days as B.B-before blogging.. aka Monday .. 4 days ago). Some people are just born to shine guys .. don't hate me cuz your boyfriend wantz me. Ya I totally had one of those shirts in grade 4. Which is semi ridiculous/hilariously awesome on my mothers behalf as I sure as hell didn't have 15$ to purchase it myself. Anyways, focus Marianne!!!.. back to my delicious post workout egg pizza. I came across this recipe on some instagram fitness page that is just stacked with the hottest, most fit chicks ever. So ladies, this is it. Eat egg pizza and next thing you know you'll be hot and famous.. just like me and those instagram babes!

Directions:

Beat 2 eggs and pour into pan (greased or should I say lubed ;) with coconut oil)

Cook like you would a pancake, and flip when ready.

When done, place on a plate and add steamed veggies, peppers, spinach, avacado, cilantro, goat cheese & pepper. Easy peasy!!

"Until next time, keep fit and have fun!!"

Wheat free Granola

I don't know if this is just my simple mind or not (feel free to keep your opinions to yourself) but every night before I go to bed I find myself amped with excitement over the thought of waking up the next morning to breakfast time. You may be thinking "well shit girl.. what are you cookin up in there that has you off to the races at crow piss." Perfect. I knew you were wondering that.. (drumroll) every single day, no exaggeration, I have granola and greek yogurt. Yes, sometimes i will throw in some natural crunchy peanut butter.. top with a banana, but regardless the base is the same. Yet, every night I have the same conversation with myself "sweet dreams Marianne, you magnificent human being you, when that little hand hits 7 and that big hand hits 0 it's going to be GRANOLA AND YOGURT TIME!!" Ya this is what my life has come to. Treating breakfast like its fucking Christmas morning. Wow. Its the simple things in life people. 

That being said, I've recently stepped up my game in the kitchen department and started making home made wheat free granola rather than your run of the mill, whatever is on sale grocery bought brand. 

This granola will satisfy most people's desire for a tasty good time, though its flavor and look are different from those of the less creative minded people whom are used to the conventional brands (no offense, you guys). So here's my little secret..

Ingredients:

1/2 cup of old-fashioned rolled oats (can substitute quinoa if that fancies you more)

1/2 cup of ground flaxseeds

1/4 cup of RAW hulled pumpkin seeds

1 cup of RAW cashews- yes I'm emphasizing raw (jessica smith) because no the honey roasted dipped in chocolate and rolled in sprinkles are not part of your new health regime.. good try.

1/2 cup sugar-free vanilla syrup - I bought the Torani brand from Second Cup

1/4 cup of walnut oil

1 cup of chopped pecans

1/2 cup sliced almonds

1/4 cup raisins and/or unsweetened dried cranberries

Preheat oven to 325 F.

Combine the oats (or quinoa), ground flaxseed, pumpkin seeds, 1/2 cup of the cashews, the vanilla syrup and walnut oil in a large bowl and toss to coat. Spread mixture in 8x8" baking pan and press to make an even layer about 1/2 inch thick. Bake until nearly dry and crispy (and no, do not leave your roommate in charge even for 15 minutes while you take a shower because when you get out you will realize she has forgotten all about your sacred granola and it is now black and toasty... Tess...) Let the mixture cool in the pan for at least 1 hour.

Meanwhile, combine the pecans, almonds, dried fruit and remaining 1/2 cup cashews in a large bowl.

Break the cooled oat-flax mixture into little pieces. Stir into the nut-fruit bowl. VOILA! yum, yum, yum

** I often double the recipe just to make my life easier. However, I won't lie.. I don't double the syrup and oil as I personally want smaller thighs and a rich husband.. you do as you please. But lets be real ladies, we're all little leprechauns chasing that pot of gold.. so be easy on the syrup so you can be the quickest and most nimble leprechaun with the hottest ass. Everyone wants to marry that leprechaun. **

Every Monday my Maritime crew gathers together for "Maritime Monday"..how original. We do various things around the city .. usually go for drinks, just chill and enjoy each others company.. watch Heritage Moments and discuss which commercial we should reenact for Halloween 2014 (spoiler alert!!) Last night I decided to have a Valentines day themed gathering. Lingerie: optional, Pillow fight: MANDATORY!! Its 7pm and my guests are about to arrive so I fluff my pillows, throw on my most Valentines day appropriate outfit (grey over sized DAL sweat pants, which have been titled “my mystery pants” in the past .. we won’t get into the history of those quite yet, and a similar fit/comfort level hoodie. I know what you're thinking .."How is she possibly single??") No but actually I dusted (and I emphasize the word DUSTED) off some lingerie to go greet my visitors at the front entrance to my building. I'm not talking bra and underwear here people.. I'm talking baby doll. Anyways that's besides the fact, my point is here are these bitches in their layers on layers, ball caps and all! Helloo.. I thought we were having a Victoria Secret angels night not a Rosie O’Donnell look alike contest. That's the last time I’ll be hosting a pillow fight with these ones!! Enough about me and my lack of opportunities to wear lingerie, lets have a look at the deliciously easy dark chocolate dipped strawberry bouquet I made!

I think this recipe is quite self explanatory. Strawberries + melted dark chocolate = wife .. I mean a delicious simple valentines dessert.

GIRL GONE MILD

Hi, my name is Marianne and I’m a girl gone mild. This is my new motto to life, my new excuse as to why I’m not going downtown this weekend to be harassed by all the idiots that even plenty of fish want nothing to do with, the reason I’m now blogging. For the first time in my life I feel I’m really flourishing into the young, semi- responsible, semi-attractive, not quite mature yet woman that I’m meant to be. “FOMO” is a motto of the past my friends and F4 are my passions I’m now focusing my energy towards. Fashion, Fitness, good Food and Funny shit.

For the past 23 years of my life I’ve told myself (and everyone east side of Montreal..  yes I said east side and yes I am a Maritimer) I couldn’t cook. No reason as to what happened or when I even tried.. I just couldn’t. No epic fails that I can now mention on my R rated BLOG (can you believe it.. Marianne has a blog!) about being the only human alive to ever burn water. Nothing.

So you may be asking yourself “bitch please, how can you just go from being as useless as tits on a nun to almighty Marianne 2.0?” a) great question b) I went crazy! Not literally.. but not far off it. I completely lost myself in who I thought I should be and what I thought was cool rather than channeling (or should I say “chaneling”..where my ladies at???) my true self. I found myself really wanting to be a better person FOR ME. Get fit again, get a real job (as in use my $30,000 education I partied my ass off for..i mean worked my ass off for...worked), eat well (I quickly realized my "coffee and squats" diet wasn't exactly a wise health regime), look winter time sexy.. which then obviously blossoms into spring time sexy and if you keep your dumb ass in check even when all the kool kids are sitting on patios you can then be summer AND fall time sexy. And seriously guys, I’ve done the math .. that equals a 100% good time. So anyways, back to me being a crazy bitch. My 2.0 story started 2 months back, I found myself on the phone one morning going off on some rant to my mother about poor Marianne. She stopped me right in my tracks and said the quote of the century “Marianne, you either need to check yourself or check yourself in somewhere”. And that was it. I checked myself.