"Family"

Is it just me, or isn't family supposed to have your back? When all else fails and you can't count on anyone else... family is supposed to be there for you. NOT MINE. One thing I've been learning over the past year, they're just like every other fucking person out there. Maybe you get lucky and get a few good ones... maybe. The rest could give a fuck about you unless it directly effects them. I used to get depressed seeing all my friends having family near by, especially during the holidays. Now, I really don't know why I thought that way. I was once asked why I come off as so independent and stubborn... because when no one steps up for you what other choice do you have? So yeah, call me a bitch. But don't forget how I became one. It wasn't over night.

Spoonie questionnaire

1. What have you been diagnosed with? (And possibly self diagnosed with). I was first diagnosed with psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis... A few years later rheumatoid arthritis also. 2. What will you tend to do at nights when you can't sleep? I usually watch YouTube videos, find a movie or two... rub a ton of bio freeze on, definitely take a long hot shower. 3. Worst experience/side effects of medication? Either the burning sensation from shots or being on methotrexate and my liver starting to fail... hard go explain but it just made me feel like shit. 4. How has your condition impacted your mental health? I'm alot more irritable, I still strive for a glass half full mentality but some days it's just not their. There are times ending it seems blissful, no more pain. No more pitying looks, no more judgmental assholes. 5. Describe your social life. Seriously lol I kind of have a social life... I date on occasion. But I can't be physically active like I used to be, it puts a damper on things. Especially being spontaneous, I can't go without meds... I need a certain number of pillows, etc. 6. Hardest thing to do when you are flaring? Get out of bed. Try not to cry and become more depressed. 7. Your worries for the future? What will my quality of life be when I'm older? 8. Favorite comfort food? Oriental top ramen with a sandwhich. 9. Tell us a valuable lesson you have learned through being unwell? Never take your health or body for granted. Enjoy it while it lasts, because it won't. 10. Name 3 things you miss, taken from health limitations? Standing for more than a few minutes, being able to horse play, the ability to wake rested and not have to base each day on how I feel. 11. How old were you when you started noticing symptoms? Apparently I was a child, around 5 or 6. I had intense "growing pains" that I was later told were a pre cursor to r.a. I got my first psoriasis patch at 17. 12. Biggest injustice about living with a chronic disease? No one notices or cares until you have a physical manifestation of the disease. Even then, if you happen to be overweight everyone thinks it's because of the weight that you have these problems. 14. What items could you not live without, related to illness? Naproxen, bio freeze, a cane or scooter. My gas cap lever my grandfather made for me. 15. Can you remember being pain free? Kind of. It's like a very distant memory, almost a dream. 16. Do you know anyone in real life that shares your condition? Yes, my aunt and grandmother. Unfortunately recently my cousin as well, we recently found out. 17. One symptom you would love not to have? I can't narrow down to one... maybe the swelling? 18. Lovely things said to you/ignorant negative things said about being sick? Just lose weight, if you work out you won't hurt so bad. Or just push through it. I don't recall anything lovely ever being said. Oh, personal favorite... be glad because some people have it worse. 19. Are your family largely supportive or ignorant to your pain? It depends, mom's side is supportive. Dad's side tries to be supportive but ends up being ignorant. 20. Describe the feeling after walking up/down a flight of stairs. Knees hurt and somewhat burning sensation, lower back is tight and stiff feeling. 21. Any natural supplements, powders or treatments you would like others to know about? I've heard about the jaffe Miller technique done in accupuncture... ginger is supposed to be good for inflammation. Staying away from acidic or nightshade foods help. Bio freeze is amazing and it's otc. 22. What is the biggest thing you would like people to understand a out your illness? It's not an old persons disease, and please stop giving me advice. I've been dealing with this for 12 years, trust me I've heard and tried it.

Tom reads "Kingdom of Earth" (Stories Before Bedt…:

Men

I'm so tired of men... I know these days women are just as bad at being "players"... but since I don't date women it'll be men we talk about today. I think the largest problem is with how many are opportunists. I will give an example, I was on a popular dating website until recently and in my profile it stated that I was not looking for anything more than friends, networking or relationship. Now, if I ran across someone who didn't mark anything I was interested in logically I'd move on to the next. Not men! Why is it they take everything as a personal goddamn challenge? And when you stick to what you say, they get angry! If you'd just learn to fucking listen there wouldn't be any disappointment! It's really not that hard. I know it takes people of all kinds... but I am SO tired of running into these people... they say you get what you put out... so where the hell are the guys that say what they mean!

I loathe being interrupted.

This really echoes what I have to go through each and every time I meet someone new, and they give that look I've come to recognize. Being on the receiving end of pity so often... I understand the feeling of sympathy even remorse when witnessing what the physical side of an auto immune disease does. I just wish healthy people would understand, help when it is Asked for, let me do tasks because if I stop I will lose what little capability I have left. I won't always have help, so I need to struggle through and do it on my own. If you are still healthy and able bodied, cherish it each and every day. I only got to experience 17 years of feeling that good. Some get less time than that.

This made me smile, even though today it's alittle much too.

Thoughts...

I heard this earlier and it really struck me... As just wow... When you pray for patience do you think God just gives you patience... or do you think he gives you opportunities to be patient... everything we are given is an opportunity, and a gift. So often I hear people praying for everything to just be... and while we don't always recognize it our prayers are answered. However, it is not up to us to just expect God to handle everything so that we may not have to do anything, we need to seize the gifts we are granted and make a change, the change we prayed for and God has given the opportunity to take.

Love this so much... don't ever think that whatever deed you do is too little... long as it is done with pure intentions.

Random ramblings

So ever since I was little, and I'm certain we all go through this throughout our lives... I have developed crushes on certain actors/musicians. Shocking right? ;) it's not usually about looks though it's who they are, how eloquently they speak or stand on certain issues... recently I've developed a crush on Tom Hiddleston. It's silly in a way because I've never met him... and probably never will but I just love how confident he is, and especially how smart he is too. A man with brains is my weakness. He could be a totally different guy behind closed doors... but something tells me he's not. Anyway, just something I had to get out of my head :)

Everyday tricks...

I've come to learn the hard way that it takes more time and patience for me to do every day things... such as picking things up from the floor, if you can get a grabber... or be like me and use your toes to grab :) I know how this sounds but when my hip or back is hurting if it can be grabbed and lifted with my unhurt leg... why not? Another huge helper is shelf liner, these are great grippers for jars, door knobs, anything you need the extra grip on. If all else fails... i do relent and ask for help from my loved ones... it's a tough pill to swallow most if the time but we all need help sometimes :) also, if you have trouble getting up from a low couch... I struggle with this All The Time, put your arm on the arm of the couch or chair and simultaneously roll toward the arm while using your legs to help yourself up. It's awkward... and if you have knodules on your elbows it can make them a little sore, but it works if you don't wish to ask for help or are alone. Hope this helps :)

Case of the "what ifs"

So, I started college with good intentions. I was going to strive for a 4.0 gpa… I was going to make friends… I was not only going to obtain my Bachelor’s degree, I was going all the way to the top with a Ph.d! (rhyme not intended ;)) Now, a year in I am not so sure this was a smart idea. I have rheumatoid arthritis, I was diagnosed when I was 17 and just about to enter the military. Over the past 11 years, I’ve had my ups and downs like any other person would, but with a few more complications thrown in just to spice things up. I’m to the point now where I can not work, due to the level of pain and the state of my joints. What I’m really struggling with is, should I accrue this debt and gain additional knowledge… knowing that I may not be able to use it once I graduate. Or quit now, and save myself from being in too much more debt. The case of the what ifs… seems to be a theme lately. Thoughts or advice?