into the wild

There have been some unfortunate turmoil bubbling in my cauldrine these past few days. I am alone here at school, no one to share time with to distract me of my sorrows of being such an individual. I am a pathetic person, passing up opportunities to attend themed parties and drunken bafoons filling their glutton bodies with guzzled beer head and yager bombs. Instead I sit in my bed, filled with chip crumbs and empty cans of ginger ale, staring blankly at a computer screen filled with an infinate number of pixels creating a picture for me to gaze at for hours on end... No wonder I have a head ache. I will admit to taking breaks from such a saddened waste of time to do more important things; like draw a picture or read a book. Last night I managed to read over 150 pages in one sitting, never to leave for the bathroom or for a snack. I had no idea where the time went, I just sat there and time was the least of my worries. Instead I was fixated, fascinated, practically turned on by the words that Krakuer had formed together into a book titled "Into The Wild." It is an inspiration to me, not because of McCandless himself, but just for the mere fact that his doing what he wanted had no effect on others, yet he seemed to influence a handful of people who didn't do shit with their lives. He was a rare character. A fine source of being who actually acted upon what he aspired to do with his life. Many people can't take that risk... but it shouldn't be so risky in the first place. He is more brave than I will ever be, and if there are people even braver... it doesn't mean anything. Chris still did something that many other people couldn't do. The others if there are any should be admired just as much, but McCandless happened to be the only one that made sense of a lot of the things he wrote. Many people who ventured the same as McCandless were usually insane or someone in the bloodline was. McCandless isn't Jesus, that's not what I'm saying at all. But he's close to it and I feel as though Krakuer depicted the significance behind revealing the unidentified .

Escaping

As I become more cold-faced into the direstion of a heartless class and sit in my memory foam chair, I stare at a pixel screen and anticipate its usefullness. I stare blankly, trying to shoot an idea in my head on how this class benefits me, but only shot blanks. Its meaningless manifests inside of me, eating away at my pale pink brain and makes me think I know enough and there's no room for thought. God damn! I don't want to liquify into a bowl of porridge... My tongue so dry I can't even speak... It's disaster here, Ground Zero, silence fills the room yet all you can hear is the tapping of consinants and LOLZ, screaming at the computer to process it all in, or else they'll call the Geek Squad. Its like rape for a computer; an overload that it says no to.

What good am I? What good is this god forsaken class? Set me free! Before I am captured in this technological cell for the rest of my life! I am desperate to see color on the walls other than different shades of white, people who don't wear John Deer and Dead Head tees, teachers who don't speak from their asses and noses, an atmosphere that reeks of tobacco, and a mountain view that could make you orgasim! I'll search for it all and I'm ready to discover my paradise somewhere.

a hole in my heart is filled.

"This is the verdict; light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. All who do evil hate the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But those who live by the truth come into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of GOD." John 3: 19-21(TNIV)

This verse has pretty much become my testimony. The more you feed off of darkness, the more you distance yourself from GOD. That is when you become weak, succeptable to impure tendancies. If you fill your heart with his light, his love, his grace, and recognize just how powerful he is and that he chose his power for good, then you realize how you should be at GOD's mercy.

I have filled my heart with GOD's light and have never felt so complete. I had forgotten him and I pretty much slapped GOD in the face with the things I was doing with the body he created for me. I will never want to do that again and I have become devoted to him again. To be honest, I am scared that it's going to be harder than I thought, but I know that GOD will benefit me and be wth me through any tribulation that encounters me. That is how I know he's real, because even what I fear cannot effect me with him on my side.

GOD is good all the time, but he doesn't have to be. He brought his son to Earth, an extraordinay man who was all the things man strives to be and watched his people crucify him. Why? Because we had filled our hearts with such darkness that we allowed it to control our deeds, our actions, and that is what our actions lead to. But if that were never to have happened, we would have never been able to truly become closer to GOD. There would be no room for his light in our hearts, and now there is such a brightness inside of me that I pray will never leave. That is the truth and the truth shall set you free.

Besides the feeling that all has gone to hell..

I've been thinking about our world in a better sense. Yes, our world is kinda.. dwindling into oblivion, but there's a part of the world that is naive and thinks that it is at peace. Nature roams this world without a care in it's liberating head. The future is unpredictable and the nature acts on that with vivaciousness and love. I love that. Nature is a canvass that I like to paint on a lot, something I didn't appreciate so much as a kid but most definitely appreciate now.

When I was a youngster, I would walk on Jone's Beach in Connecticut and there would be a pile of boulders that the waves pushed together from the sea and made it into a wall. I would walk all over them, pretending they would be rooms to a house... One rock was the kitchen and the other was a living room. Once I chose which rock was the bedroom I'd lay on it and look up at the sky and watch the seagulls pick up clams from the shore and drop them on the pavement. They would push away the broken shells and take a quick swig of the meat that they found, and fly away to search for more. Using nature as my fix away from boredom is what I miss most about my childhood. Now whenever I'm bored I type on this or on other things, when really I should be making a fort right now, playing house, or even building a castle out of cups.

ah, to be young...

Now and then, I need to make decisions and they are hard to make... I believe in myself to make the right decision, and I choose him. I do choose him. If I were younger though, it would be the furthest thought from my mind and I would never have to worry about it. Remember this, stay young as young can be, I would rather have done that than try to grow up too fast.

There are times when we want color to explode in our lives, when we need our own little colorshow... Our life is just silly and dull, and all we want to do is liven it up a bit. There is a time to be vivacious and courageous, spontaneous and surprising and it is when we act on that time that we make the best memories.

Lets be daring once in a while, the feeling is incredible and the chances of regreting it are high... but who the fuck cares? live for the moment and decide for yourself what actions you want to make.

let your stars shine and the rings of smoke escape from your lips with grace.

let the sun shine bright in your eyes and stare at its overwhelming beauty until they dry up.

let your colors show. let the madness flow.

Become a soldier and know how good it feels to be free from sorrow, abandonment, neglect and heart ache. Be strong and brave.

you'd be surprised at how liberated you'd feel.