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HEART ON HEAVEN

@patientlywaiting4u / patientlywaiting4u.tumblr.com

I started this Tumblr on November 3rd, 2012 – that’s 6 years ago – and its purpose has always been to instill God’s love and the importance of self-love in whoever comes across it. All this time the things posted on here were also for me…so much for me…because I was struggling so much with accepting God’s love; and it was such a big fight to love myself as well. SELF-LOVE has been my biggest fight. I get messages all the time from people about what I wrote in my description box. Today, I want to make something very clear though: I am no longer that shattered, broken, shell of a woman fighting my way through life. I feel loved, whole, beautiful, wanted…no part of me is unwanted or lost or empty or broken. I’m NOT on a roller-coaster with God and I’m not unsure or questioning His love or presence. Getting where I am has been a fight! It took a lot of tears and facing things that I wanted to keep hidden away. It took years of counseling and opening up and being vulnerable. It took years of allowing myself to not just be pursued by God…but allowing Him to hold onto me and love me – this was a fight, because love was always being offered and I never felt deserving of it, until now. I’ve ran away from God so much...for a while I said that ‘I am His prodigal daughter and I am so LOST and WANDERING’…so now that I’m feeling how I’m feeling…it’s hard to put into words…but like that Parable of the Prodigal Son I turned around and God was waiting for that moment and…He ran out to meet me; cause I’m His daughter and there has never been a moment where He did not love me or want me. God won’t leave us broken! All He needs is our willingness to allow Him to work and if we give Him that He can take any trial and turn it into something beautiful. I don’t just believe that…I’ve lived it…I am living it. Being sexually abused can destroy any person but I fought hard and never gave up on myself. Facing those memories can break any person…and I learned to acknowledge the feelings and face them and hand them over too. “Take all your pain…your ugly…your baggage…put all that stuff in a box and give it to God” and leave it there! I hope my blog inspires you to allow God into your heart and I hope you come to love Him and Love YOURSELF too. ‘You have captured my heart…my daughter…my bride!” Songs of Songs 4:9 God whispers, “You are my daughter. You are mine. You have always been mine.”
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A feeling of emptiness settled over me last night. I went to a young adult group and there was a talk about Saint Ignatius of Antioch. About how he choose martyrdom over living in the world.

Earlier in the day I had been listening to The Poco A Poco Podcast "Contemplative Spaces". I didn't listen to the entire podcast, but what I did pay attention to hit my heart, because I had been wondering about that same topic. Why do I find so much time for social media, online browsing/shopping, television etc. but I can hardly spend an hour in silence with God. When I am praying, why do my thoughts race on a million things other than Him who loves me the most...beyond a love that I will ever be able to fully understand.

God I love you. I want to know You. I want my soul, my heart and my mind to be a place where You can dwell peacefully. I say these words to Him and I mean it...but then I do the opposite of what will help me to love and know Him.

Normally, when I feel this way I rely on 'retail therapy' and scrolling endlessly on social media or some other vice. Then the emptiness covers me fully, because there's no fulfilment in any of it. There's no peace. There's no real joy.

In the discussion section of the talk last night, one of the guys said: he realized that the things that he relies on from the world is an indication to him of what he needs in His relationship with God. He pursues relationships that he knows aren't for him...he needs more intimacy with God. He listens to music to fill a void and give him closure...He needs to spend more time with God and listening to what God is saying to Him.

I didn't say anything in the discussions, but I was talking to my friend after and I said, today and listening tonight made me realize that the world really doesn't have anything to offer me. Well at least the things that I seek fulfillment in. I have deleted all shopping apps and social medias off of my phone. I have cleared my browsing history and blocked those sites and apps.

I want to find fulfillment, happiness, peace and joy without these things. I want to experience life with Jesus as my only source. I want to be out in nature more. I went hiking this past Sunday...I haven't been in years...and that gave me so much peace.

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i-must-have-flowers
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indigoserenity

A reminder for my ladies: EVERYTHING TAKES TIME. YEARS. So start right now with the little that you have and stay consistent. Drink a glass of water instead of soda this time. Do one workout. Take a walk. Take up a class. Read a book. Start the treatment. Learn that language. And try that EVERY SINGLE DAY. A little bit every day, but I tell you something, you will see the results in YEARS. Yes, you will get that degree AFTER A FEW YEARS. Yes, your hair will grow long, AFTER A FEW YEARS. Yes, you will be in shape, you will become who you want, you will heal, you will speak that language fluently AFTER A FEW YEARS.

Just keep doing what you're doing and don't give up. Ok? Ok. Love you, bye bye 💌

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i-must-have-flowers
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theblob1958

people are saying do it scared, but you also gotta do it alone. you'll miss out on so much you want to do if you wait til someone will do it with you. do it scared and do it alone.

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perfectquote
“Make sure you don’t start seeing yourself through the eyes of those who don’t value you. Know your worth, even if they don’t.”

— Thema Davis

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