I could go out and get it but

Watching from the sidelines and critiquing is much easier

The more I watch you, the wider the space grows between me and those things I was supposed to do

My brain is loaded on Wellbutrin, Tequila, and weed. My life is starting to match my mind: the never-ending hamster wheel.

Sometimes I feel like a lion in a hamster cage, but then I quell those feelings with weed

Writing for my tumblr audience way back when felt amazing, until I wasn’t getting no checks. And my hand got lost in all the saturation.

I come here when I want to run and hide and still be seen. This place has become a graveyard of thoughts and feelings

They need to put porn back on here

But, then again, no they dont.

I moved my bed to a space where we never slept, never had sex

I sleep in front of my altar. I do not masturbate in front of my altar

When I gave up porn, I masturbated to start my morning

Now that I’m back watching, I feel like I need it to go to sleep.

I fantasize about losing my job and prioritizing myself and making films and starting my YouTube channel and being inspired and still able to pay my rent

I can eat ramen and veggies, just let me keep my place, PLEASE

Fantasies. So selfish, no?

Fucked my heart up chasing sex

Fucked my body up chasing love

And never had clear definitions of either ....

#mybad

You hurt me bad

I want to hate you but I can’t

And I don’t

Maybe soon I’ll settle on another emotion

Besides hate

Maybe in a few minutes

It will be sorrow

Trapped in yet another space where I can’t

Talk about my problems

Too embarrassed and ashamed

Too many people have seen me weak

I have a sad boy addiction

I love a “Trauma Bond”

I get off on nurturing others when I need to be nurtured

I can’t quite find a discerning line between “Poly” and “Hoe”

I’m

In

Love

Over in tumblr,

Where I am safe

I suffocated.

I defecated.

Too much shit on my chest.

These niggas are Bitch Made, for lack of better word.

The struggle with niggas and condoms

Because a Nut is more important than safety

Me and the Devil, riding side by side. He’s behind the wheel, I’m in the passenger seat. Somehow he convinced me to let him take me home. My car is parked at the venue. I believe it was a wedding. I got there super early, had been there all day. And now I was tired, and trying to avoid the storm that was coming. Those billowing grey clouds.

We engaged in small talk. He had a speech impediment. He was well versed in shit but not very smart. He told me his was “Pisces 36° with a Virgo Sun at whatever degrees.” So in more words than necessary, he was a Virgo. Not a good sign. Especially for me.

I immediately pulled out my phone. I immediately thought of my knife sitting comfortably in my bag, my bag in my car, my bag parked at the wedding venue, the venue that’s 41 minutes away from my house, that I would have to drive back to the next day. I feigned surprise. “Oh Shit! I don’t have a way of getting back out here tomorrow. Could you take me back? How far are we?” He declined.. said the best he could do was drop me off on he corner. He said it jokingly, but I knew he was serious. As the methods of my escape raced through my mind, I got myself together, and woke myself up

fear is debilitating

Flyleafing

Tumblr is where I/you when I have tapped all the sap out of all the other social media outlets and grown dry with jealousy. Notebooks don’t feel safe anymore because I/you lose them. I don’t recognize my handwriting. And writing feels weird. My hands don’t twist like that no more, laced around a pen. Now laced behind my phone while my thumbs — my opposable, seemingly worthless, ring less thumbs —Notes app has failed/betrayed me. Cuz I/you lose my phone or didn’t back up to iCloud or got water damage or many of the other seemingly uncessary reponsiblities you neglected.

So here I am on Tumblr.

Still needing and audience. Just maybe a smaller one who has no idea who I am.

So Tumblr ...... long time no see...

You off porn now, huh? Niiiiice ...👀

Me and you was supposed to hit it off, you remember that? You were my Art School Rejection rebound joint. I made art for you and painted you pictures of all our fans, all our reblogs, all our likes. I even made it to @blackfashion once or twice.

I ain’t been doing shit for real. I mean I been doing a lil something. Made a short film, made it to some festivals. Done some acting...

I been chasing dollars. I been moving on whims. I been depending on blessings. I been not making plans. I’m moving through the air. Flyleafing. Loving everything too little.

Let’s get emotionally sloppy online

Another blow to the gut, I’m eating it